It never ceases to amaze me just how powerful the addict brain is. How much it tries to consume me on a daily basis. How much my addict brain make me differ from a "normal" person. I did some informal studies of my own. I was watching the all popular Basketball Diaries (featuring Jim Carroll's life on the streets) with a person that is not an addict; a person who never had the want or desire to try drugs and never got hooked in the first place. This person was my sister. My biological sister. As we sat and watched this movie, which most non-addicts would say is sad and scary. I, however, craved and itched for the drugs. This cue, though never once did I use heroin or meth, was so deeply threaded in me, so natural and biological that I craved for a drug I have never used before despite watching the intense turmoil it caused another person. Why is it that I can crave so hard when watching something so horrible happen to another person using the drugs, while my sister sits in fear and confusion as to why anyone would ever want to use after watching that; I sit and day dream of the day that I can get my hands on it.

The cues are still so strong, but being 16 months (almost 17 months) clean, I am able to fight off these awful cravings by "playing the tape through" or by coming to forums like this and sharing my "strengths" in recovery. I say strength in quotations because I still fumble over that word. Why would a craving 16 months down the line be considered a strength? I believe it is because I have overcome that struggle, one minute at a time, and added another day to my victory march with addiction.

I struggle with addiction, though the fights with my addict never cease, they do get easier. I am learning everyday more about my addiction then I could imagine. Through shows, through books, through my own experiences and the experiences of addicts around me. I know I am not alone in these cues that run so deep to my bones. I am not alone with cravings that beat me up from the inside out. I am not alone in the victories I achieve daily. I am an addict, for life and I am forever grateful that my eyes have been opened so wide so I can help others just beginning the path down addiction by taking their first drug, and those on the path to recovery; living one day at a time.

For that I am grateful.

[Leed]

Horray for you! I'm proud of you for resisting that demon drug!

Yes, we ARE addicts/alcoholics for life. But the fight DOES get easier the longer we are clean/sober. That does NOT mean that we don't have to be vigilant!! We DO because that darn disease just sits, waiting for us to stop resisting -- waiting for us to relapse. And regardless of how much time we have clean/sober, we CAN relapse!! I have seen people with 30 YEARS go back out for "further investigation" -- to see if it was still like it used to be. That's the insanity of this disease! All lies.

You're right -- you're not alone in either the fight or the victories of one day at a time. We're all in this together. And if we try to help other newcomers to get/stay sober as we did, we can only help ourselves too.

Thanks for the post "Born" ~ And God bless !! Hugs, Lee