[splitimage]

Don't know why - maybe it's because I'm starting a new job in January, or because I'm feeling better than I have in a long time, but I've been thinking a lot about my Christmas in 06 and how bad it was. It really was the start of my recovery journey.

I went to rehab for the first time in Aug. 06 because I was sick and tired of the roller coaster that I was on. It was a good decision with a bad outcome. I went and talked to the head of HR and told her I had a drinking problem and needed time off to deal with it. She immediately started the process to send me to the rehab that they sent everyone to in the company who had an addiction problem. There was no assessment done as to what type of treatment I needed. Unfortunately the rehab I was sent to was completely unequipped to handle patients with mental illnesses and they didn't warn me that once you stop using your mental illness could get worse, and they didn't warn me about post acute withdrawl syndrom (PAWS). I dried out in the rehab and went back to work immediately. That was a huge mistake. I was too sick mentally to be working but thought I could just push through. But my brain was really fried with the PAWS and my depression was worse than it had ever been, so no surprise I relapsed becuase drinking was the only way I could feel normal. My drinking got way worse than it had ever been before I went into rehab and I started phoning in sick so I could stay home and drink. I finally showed up at work drunk one Fri. in Dec. That was the final straw. I was strongly encouraged to resign and given a very generous financial package to make sure I left quietly. In hindsight it was the best thing the company could have done for me, but at the time it devastated me.

I proceeded to go on a very heavy drinking binge for 5 days. I came to sometime in the night of the 24/25'th in a horrible withdrawal. I knew I wasn't safe because I've had withdrawal seizures in the past so I knew I needed to be on valium to get through the detox. I waited until 9 am on the 25'th and got my landlady to drive me to the hospital ER. So I spent Christmas day 06 in the ER hooked up to a bunch of machines that kept beeping because none of my vital signs were normal. The Dr's thought I was either going to have a heart attack or stroke out because my blood pressure went up to 180/150 and my heartbeat was really irregular. I was a seriously sick puppy. It also really got through to me how messed up my life was, cause I kept hearing the staff refer to the chronic alcoholic in room 3. I had one Dr. tell me that there was no point in treating me because all I'd do was drink again - I remember that pissed me off. Normally when you show up at a hospital here in withdrawal they stabalize you and then send you to one of the city detoxes, but they decided I was too sick and admitted me to the hospital for 4 days. While I dried out they ran a whole bunch of tests on my liver and sent a social worker and a psychiatrist to see me. They treated me really well. They also hooked me up with their own outpatient rehab.

That rehab was equipped to handle mental illnesses and they really don't give up on people. I kept relapsing, but they never kicked me out. I finally managed to get some sober time and then went IP at a psych hospital for my depression. I spent the rest of 07 mostly just learning how to function without booze. Some days all I could manage was to sit looking out my window drinking herbal tea.

Since then it hasn't been easy as I've really struggled with relapse and mental health. I had to repeat rehab in summer 09, and I went in for another psych admit this past summer. But since about Feb. 07 I've been sober more than I've been drunk, and I've slowly pieced my life together.

This time round, I'm really active in AA and I've went in much more open minded about the whole higher power concept. I did a step 4 & 5 and am currently starting on step 9. I still want to drink some days, but I know I have too much to loose to risk it. Plus I take Antabuse to help keep me sober.

Tomorrow I'm going to have a nice day. I'm going out to a friend's place and we're going to make books and have a nice dinner. We're just going to hang out. This friend has stuck through everything with me since 06 and has been my biggest supporter. I feel really lucky to have her.

I'm not sure what the point of this story is. Maybe I just need to get it out of my head because I feel like I've come a long way. And maybe it will give some hope to someone who is new to sobriety that if you stick with it, and keep coming back from your slips, life does get better.

--splitimage

[Mustkeepjob32]

I'm glad you're feeling better after coming such a long way. I think you starting a new job in January is also such a good sign that 2011 should be a good year for you.

[Gus1234U]

stick to it, and keep coming back,, life DOES get better ~!! and here's a little someone to watch over you,, when times are hard~~ Best Wishes,, Gus

[Christina86]

thanks for sharing SplitImage I'm so happy to have been able to meet you. It gives me motivation to not drink too, hearing people's stories about alcoholism.

thanks. Merry Christmas.

[2009Dutch]

Thank you for sharing this and I think there is a good point in your story; for me, new to sobriety as an inspiration and maybe for you to get it out of your head. And maybe as a warning for all of us, to remember how killing alcohol is.
I wish you a happy and blesssed Christmas.