[merighteouswow]

Every morning I get up and eat oatmeal for breakfast, take vitamens. I go work out 3 times a week. Every day I try to eat salad or something healthy for lunch. Some days I smoke, some days I don't. Every afternoon or evening I get this horrible craving to stuff something into myself. After lunch today, I went to the store and bought a cake mix, 2 brownie mixes and a box of twinkies. And I hate myself for it. I smoked 3 cigs today and I hate myself for it. I want soooo bad to just give up and go to bed, and if I didn't have my kids, I would. I'm so scared I will pass this depression on to them that I put on a mask whenever they are around and pretend to be happy. It is so hard. I hate myself so much. I just wrote an email to my T telling him I am just ready to give up. I hate feeling this way and I hate living this way.

[LookingforCalm]

Did you get in touch with your T? I really hope so!

I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad. Here to help if you need it!

[merighteouswow]

I sent him an email yesterday, but he hasn't emailed or called yet. Sometimes he doesn't read his emails but twice a week.

[madisgram]

for eating things you wish you didn't. how bout buying fruit to end the sugar cravings?
i'm a recovering alcoholic and our "cure" is abstinence. but first we have to make a decision and committment to change out behaviors that harm us, ie alcohol.
as for our children, there's nothing we can control about what's in their genes. the good news since you suffer from depression, know the symptoms, you will be able to spot the prob if one of your children shows the symptoms. this way you can help them get the help they need sooner. it's possible none of them will suffer from depression. so try not to spin your wheels on this. worrying won't change the outcome at all.

[merighteouswow]

I have fruit. I buy healthy groceries all the time in hopes that I won't go out and get stuff when I crave, but to no avail right now. I am in the middle of a bad bout of depression right now, which makes it worse.

[madisgram]

especially when we're depressed i think we should be extra kind to ourselves. lavender bath soak, maybe some sweets, and don't feel you have to be upbeat. you need your mental energy to just deal with the depression. the children will be fine if fed and clean. they have lots of resiliency. try not to worry. when u feel better later on u can take them for a treat somewhere. do you feel like a movie right now? is that something you all could enjoy without stressing u out? just an afterthought. hope u feel better soon.

[merighteouswow]

My kids are teens so I they can take care of themselve. but I still feel guilty when I'm like this because I'm all they have and when I'm like this I'm not really here, ya know? A little while ago, I forced myself to get off the couch. It was like pushing a thousand pounds in front of me. Then I got dressed and went down to the swimming pool and swam for awhile. I love to swim. You can be anyone in the water, weightless. I feel a bit better now. I hope I still feel better tomorrow. Thanks.