[Gemstone]

My brother (well actually half brother) is a heroin addict; he has been for as long as I remember. He is a lot older than I am (11 years) and he doesn't seem to think he has a problem. My parents put him in rehab when he was under 18, but he didn't want it then either so it never helped. I am really concerned about him. He has been jailed a few times for being caught and I am worried about him hurting himself. I am even more worried about his kids (4 and 7) and how this must be affecting them. Is there anything I can do at all besides simply waiting until he asks for help? I don't think he ever will ask. He has been distancing himself from me somewhat lately because he knows I am worried. I still do things with his kids, but he has been keeping his distance.

I am sorry for the rant. I am just really frustrated.

[Allan]

Well, as being on heroin myself in the past, it is very hard to get off and and the withdrawls are terrible. Would not wish that on my worst enemy. As far as being able to do something for him, there is something that I have heard and read about that have all of those who care about him and see what he is doing all get together with him and confront him about your worries and what he is doing. I am not at all sure that it would do any good though. As with any addiction, the person does not see they have a problem, are in denial of it. Maybe by letting him know how you feel and about what might happen to him and then what the kids would have to deal with may be an eye opener to him and may be an open door for help for him. Sometimes, unfortunatly, some people just cannot be reached and have to do what they want and everyone else has to see the outcome. I know that is sad to think but it does happen. Not sure what else to say but hope things can get turned around soon before it is too late.

Allan

[BamaSurvivor]

Don't
Even
No
I
Am
Lying
-----

Your brother can't be helped unless he wants help because he is in denial of his addiction... Often times, an addict can be incarcirated, beat up, lose their wife and children, lose their home, vehicle, everything, and still not see they have a problem... The denial is so deep, more than likely, he feels everyone else has the problem, not him. So sadly, in most cases, it does take you having to just sit and wait it out until he calls for help before help will actually work.

I watch this show called Intervention on the A&E channel every Sunday night... It's usually about drug addicts. What happens is an interventionist comes to the home, talks with the family, and the family prepares what they want their addicted loved one to know, and will also write down consequences if the loved one does not go for treatment. Here's an example:

"Brother, I love you with all my heart. It hurts me so much to see you doing this to yourself, wasting your life away on an addiction that could be kicked if only you sought help. If you do not get help today, these are the following consequences: You will no longer be welcomed in my home. You will no longer be allowed to be around my children. We will not be on speaking terms until you decide you want help. These consequences isn't because I'm trying to trick you into getting help, it's because I love you and want you to get the help you need. I don't want to have to love you to death, so please accept the help that's been offered to you."

That's just an example of how it goes... There has to be FIRM consequences that you will not back down from, things that will hurt him to do without. Sometimes it takes total isolation and departure from family and loved ones to realize there really is a problem. It doesn't always work, but if you're desperate for him to get help, it's worth a try.

I wish you and your family the best and hope your brother gets help soon.

[Raynaadi]

I agree with bama that he won't accept help until he wants it for himself. It sucks. But unforunatly with us addicts, that's usually how it goes. Until he hits a bottom and sees that his life is unmaneagable, he won't "get it". One thing I can suggest for you is to try some Alanon meetings. You can find it in your local phone directory. Those meetings can give you some ability to cope with your brother's illness and maybe give you some pointers and what to say to him. I wish you the best of luck, and you can always come here to get the support you need in this struggle.

~Rayna

[Gemstone]

Thanks Everyone. We did do the intervention thing a few years back, but it didn't get it across to him.

I was upset yesterday because he called and asked me for money. He said he needed money to buy the kids clothes and pay the electric bill. I told him that I would take the kids shopping and send a check to the electric company and this really made him mad. There have just been to many times where I have given him money and it has gone to heroin. Last month I gave him money to pay the electric bill and the electric still got turned off. I told him then that I will help him out, but I wont just write him a check anymore. I don't want to support his habit.

I guess I just wait for him to hit bottom and in the mean time, help the kids as much as I can.

Thanks for the responses.

gem

Geez Gem...it's like reading a paragraph from my life. I am so sorry and can so relate.

Petunia

[BamaSurvivor]

GEM, you're right... By giving him money, you're enabaling him to continue using, because he knows he can. It's a great idea for you to not give him money directly, but help when help is needed. But I wouldn't help him if it's just help for him alone... He needs to learn to take care of HIMSELF, but buying the kids things and helping with the children is very good of you.

[shadowalker164]

Gem…
Bama nailed it on the head.
He will play you and everybody else as long as he can. Make some ground rules, and stick to them.
I am so sorry about the kids though.
It would be what he needs to let him drop hard. But his kids don’t deserve to fall with him. Maybe he will get popped one more time for possession, sale, whatever, and the kids will be removed from his care. As an active junkie, he might appreciate not having to be bothered with feeding, clothing and educating them.
There is no good solution to this one. Stay close to the kids. Buy them cloths as you can afford them. Keep the lights on if you can, You are right to give him nothing in the way of spending money. You know how that goes.
Again, I am sorry for you. But I am mostly sorry for his kids.

May this power greater than ourselves smile upon you
Richard

[BamaSurvivor]

So very true... It's so sad these kids, who didn't ask for this, have to go through it. It seems harsh to say maybe he'll get busted and the kids will be taken out of his care, but it's really the best thing right now. An addict can not, I repeat, CAN NOT properly take care of a child to the fullest. He doesn't deserve to have those children as long as he's in active addiction. They deserve better than the situation they've been delt with.

[Gemstone]

I agree that they would be better off if not in his care. My other sisters and I even contacted an attorney about trying to get custody of them. Both my sisters have children and are excellent parents. I would be a terrible parent, but I can offer financial help. I am for the most part financially caring for his kids already. The attorney told us we would have no chance at all. He said the courts wouldn’t take into account his addiction. He doesn’t physically abuse the children so is therefore a fit parent. I know he loves his kids, but he is in no condition to care for such young children. Their mother was no better. She ran off at the beginning of the year, and no one has heard anything from her since. It’s really an awful situation for them. I can only do so much. I’m taking them shopping today, and they are spending the night at my house. I am trying to do things like this as much as possible.

[BamaSurvivor]

That's insane! In my state, drug abuse around children is considered child abuse. The intensive outpatient program I'm in, I see parents come in every single week who's been sent there from Child Protective Services due to drug abuse in the home around the children. The child(ren) are taken from the home until the parents get clean and pass so many drug screenings and do what they are ordered to do by law in order to get their children back. If they fail to do everything they are told to do, they lose parental rights to their children.

[bebop]

good for you for not giving him money!! hooorahhhh. you just made your first step..it is called "tough love" I feel this is the best thing you can do for him and his children. congrats.

[bebop]

I wish I had words of wisdom but they won't get help til they want it themselves. I know first hand how hard it is to deal with and how frustrating it really is. you have my love for even trying hon. hang in there.

[thatgirl]

The being totally cut off from people I care about until I accept help really really scares me. Probably enough that I would break if it were me.
You are doing the right thing in not giving him money and looking after his children. One day he will thank you for it.

[Zorah]

(((((Gem)))))

You can't help anymore than you are already, until he is ready to change. Being there prepared to help, when that time comes, is a good thing.

[JustBen]

I think everyone else covered what I would suggest. Don't give him any money. Buy stuff for the kids directly. Intervention might be a good idea, but you really have to be prepared to follow through with consequences. An intervention is like an all-out offensive...if you do it and you can't follow through, he's going to know that you did your best and it still did nothing, which can be pretty devastating.