[DarlaKat]

PTSD is so strange...you are having a conversation with someone...and then all of a sudden you're outside of your body, looking down at yourself...you realize your actions are not normal, you realize the person you have become is not your true self, but someone who is lost, trying to escape the pain.

Guess that's why I turn to alcohol or pills. I try to escape the memory, but it always comes back times 10. I keep remembering how they mocked me, how they beat me, how they...touched me. It's really ate up and I'm tired of all the flashbacks I have during the day. They really mess me up.

I can't cry. I try to, but I'm so detached that I force myself to smile. That's what I used to do every day when all the issues happened. I would force a smile but all of my friends knew that there was something wrong with me. They all knew I was extremely depressed and LOSING MY MIND. I lost my mind so bad that I believed demons were following me. I believed they were trying to get me to kill myself.

They day I gave in...it was weird. I just stared at the pill bottle for long amounts of time. Finally, I popped them all, chugged the water and drove. I can't believe the cops didn't pull me over. I was so $#%@ed up. It helped me escape for a while. I remember seeing my mother I haven't seen in 12 months because my boyfriend at the time pushed me away from everyone...or was it me? I don't know, but I remember how worried I was about her. She almost died that year. And I wasn't there to speak to her. If she really did die, I don't know what I would've done. Anyways, I don't remember what happened next. I ended up in my therapist's office, speaking to her...my boyfriend showed up, seemed very pissed. I was bawling my eyes out.

I woke up to a nurse shouting at me to get up and go to vitals. I was in a psych ward. I remember this guy, Mike, who snuck me pain killer patches. I always went to the restroom to lick them because that was the only place where video cameras weren't placed. I'd get so blitzed that group therapy was a breeze. I never told them how he beat me and raped me, never told them how much I missed my old life before the drugs and abuse took over. How much I missed being somewhat "normal" and spending time with my parents and friends.

After the relationship ended it just got worse. I refused to take my medication and see my therapist. I kept doing lines and getting wasted every night. The people I chilled with were low-life losers. Because that was who I was also. A drug addict loser. All we did was get $#%^ed up all day. For an entire year I decided to get wasted instead of dealing with my problems.

Now look at me.

[DarlaKat]

Eck my grammar and spelling sucks. I apologize. Gave into my addiction again. Back at my parents' and they're drinking so yeah...I'm weak like that.

[racee]

just wanting you to know i'll still be here for ya when you come down

[madisgram]

many of us used/drank to escape emotions we felt that were so overwhelming to us. for me, i needed professional help. i needed to feel safe so i could vent all the feelings (depression, shame, blaming myself for everything even tho i hadn't done wrong-others had) i kept hidden from others. i wanted them to think i was normal.
we do have choices darla even when we feel so downtrodden. we have a destructive disease that makes us feel even more "less than." there is a solution. fight for your life. you deserve better than you now feel. we are here for you and we care. hope you will keep posting. we can brainstorm together. you are not alone in all this. we are here.