[beauflow]

I know it is horrible but I miss the drug life sometimes.

I am not sure what exactly it is about the life that I miss, most likely the simple escape and being dumb, etc.

- it was horrible in retrospect on several levels; but yet I miss it some days.

Each time I remind my self that it is best to stay sober and that if I went back I would be not only losing everything that I have now; but in ways stepping back on the self progress I have made with in myself.

I really dislike this feeling- it sometimes disgusts me when I am not thinking on it, like I want to slap myself and say "what is your problem?"

I know I will most likely not go back to the drug life; so I am not looking for support on not going back- No worries on that- I have things that I want to keep if that makes any sense.

I am not sure- just thought I would share.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I know exactly what you mean. In one week, I'll have 18 years clean/sober -- I'm a recovering alcoholic. But I would be LYING if I said that there weren't times I wish I could drink like other people. On hot, stressful days, I'd like to be able to sit down and have a beer -- but I KNOW what would happen -- one beer is too much and a thousand isn't enough.

Plus, where do people go these days to socialize? In bars!! So that puts an end to my going out! LOL But after all these years, I don't miss it really --- that was a miserable life and I certainly don't want to go back to it. I wouldn't have another recovery in me if I drank again.

I think you're probably normal -- but stay strong & don't weaken! We all know what can happen to us if we "go back out." God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[beauflow]

thank you so much Leed, yeah there are times I want to just hit a joint, or sniff up a line, and I think how perfect it would be to just be numb again, it would be a great break... but I remember it won't do any good, ill come back to the same issues that I left temporary and worse I may become constant again ... Ekk *laughs at one self*

Thanks again,

I wish you well and strength as well. Alcohol is every where and the social thing to do so that has to be rough.
With coke and meth its harder to get especially being out of life, so less obtainable.

[madisgram]

hi beau, have you tried a 12 step program of recovery? NA, AA, etc. i found it helped me with the support of the group to rid myself of the urges.-21 yrs. clean and sober with the help of AA.

[beauflow]

no I self recovered, sort of... My bf helped a little with guidance before we got together, not with '' you need to quit'' but true advice, also other stuff, it was a combination of things, I looked out side the box one day, then I had a horrible fall out with my brother (1 of 3, that I only talk to) we both were heavy users but I saw what we were and that it all did worse for us in the end, plus I also knew an old sometime binge crack head that I was like I don't want to be like him when I'm 53.... Then sobering up was what I needed to do, and I always remember even though years prior my father telling me he'd see me nothing more than a junkie... Idk if it was what I needed to hear or if he was being cruel?

Any who, yeah... I love the serenity prayer . I am not religious but I love the serenity party, I've even broke it down to what each line means to be, I take the longer version
My dad use to say it when I was young, he an atheist, and I never fully understood it, but after some rough paths and trying to get back up, I find my meanings in it...

With the 12. Steps, asking for forgiveness, I could not ask my mother for forgiveness. Goes too long Lol.. Maybe support group would help? But I've stayed clean, no as long as some, this dec. 7 will be a full 3 yrs. Well minus some pot smoke very few times, and I still drink on occasion, but these 2 were not my issues really...... I guess there could be arguments with both but I can take em or leave em and I can refuse them with no issue, never could do that with coke. Its coke I really want sometimes and was probably my worse addictions aside cigs which I still smoke cigs, they are so readily available.


Idk... Hmm support group may help but I am able to say no, and I don't go looking, and I am not around the temptations as I was.







.

[Sunna]

Perhaps you can dig deeper into what exactly you are missing from your drug life. It is surely not drugs.

I miss smoking cigarettes, but when I tried to light up in the past I found the smell revolting, the smoke choking, I coughed up and squished it. Still when I see someone light up in a movie, take that deep inhale, I feel drawn. For me and cigarettes it's easy. Part of the habit was this physical-mental focus/relaxation. Smelling a rose or just taking a deep breath does not quite do it, and I really haven't found anything quite like cigs, on the other hand is such a minor blip I can easily let it pass.

So, dig deep, dig honest, maybe have someone help your excavations, so you don't stop at the usual cliches, and then think of how you can satisfy these needs while keeping your present life choices and agreements intact.

If it is the escape and being dumb/numb, then what are you escaping? Is your life too stressful, too many responsibilities, too many worries? Create a different escape, decompress some other way. Are you feeling too adult, no fun, too serious? Find new ways to have fun, be silly, let yourself go - you don't have to be drunk, or drugged, we just believe we do and drugs/booze is a permission slip.

[beauflow]

Sunna, I think you hit the why with escape of stress and responsibility of adult. Sometimes I do projects of creativity that help, but sometimes its not enough, today I laughed so hard with my bf when we were watching a game show cuz he was making up voices and all, I hadn't laughed that hard in a while lol sadly it reminded me of being stoned teenager but on the upside I wasn't.
thank you Sunna, I will think on this more, and find other ways to ratify the urge in away... Sadly cigs, ugh I am not sure what to do with them, but soon they will need to go

[notz]

Beau,

Like Leeds, I have 18 years sobriety. Alcohol was what finally made me cry uncle but it wasn't necessarily my drug of choice. A hit of this, a snort of that and I was a happy cookie. Incredibly, for me, the hardest of all was stopping smoking.

I find myself from time to time romancing what it was like when I was using and drinking. I swear I seem to forget all the ugly parts and only remember the euphoria of it. Nasty little trick addiction plays on ya. It is a normal thing, just remember to think it through to the conclusion. You owe it to yourself to remember just what the addiction can do to you.

Madisgram is right, a 12 step program can do a lot to help you stay clean and sober. You could probably use like minded people to fraternize with. The bond of the struggle and journey can't be duplicated in any other fashion.

Keep talking.

[beauflow]

Notz; Thank you soo much :-)
"You owe it to yourself to remember just what the addiction can do to you."
I agree with this- and always try to remember what it can do to me. I always look at what I have and remember that if I went back I would lose it all or close to it.

[madisgram]

beau, i just wanted to add-it's suggested we stay away from people, places, and things we associate with drug use or alcohol. new clean friends, etc.
as for asking for forgiveness perhaps you misunderstand. if we harm anyone it's suggested we "apologize" to them. that's all.

[beauflow]

oh *lol a self* yeah I thought it was apologies ppl that wronged, I did apologize to my mom one time for scaring her when I was on meth, I use to have conversations with no one guess. But she aided my drug use when I relapse one time when I was still living with her and also she's a reason for escape as I guess a lot of moms are sadly.

Yeah , new friends part I haven't done i have stayed pretty much solitude besides work which I make work friends but its just at work...... I don't see old buds even if they have cleaned up, Idk why, partially due to now I'm a little twisted on my thoughts with ppl. Hard to explain.
My brother I see very little he still uses which I have talked with him on in details and seriously about how much chaos it brings and contributes to life.

Places for sure, work and home are clean places lol

I've always been a little socially disabled, but yeah
Thank you for the clear up on that... I will think more on support groups, sigh.... I guess I'm prideful with things when I shouldn't be? Ugh *laughs at one's self*
My main support system is my bf, he too is a recovered person for I think 10 yrs, he and I talk a lot about a range of things. I am lucky to have him and realize I would lose him if I went back to the drug life, which he like is ''my air'' a lot.
Thank you all! I hope this has helped others that may have read too

[RunningEagleRuns]

Sometimes i get thoughts of going back to drugs, but i tell myself it a lie that that life is good. It is.

[krazy_phoenix]

Thank you for this thread.

[Willcat]

Originally Posted by beauflow

I've always been a little socially disabled, but yeah
Thank you for the clear up on that... I will think more on support groups, sigh.... I guess I'm prideful with things when I shouldn't be? Ugh *laughs at one's self*
My main support system is my bf, he too is a recovered person for I think 10 yrs, he and I talk a lot about a range of things. I am lucky to have him and realize I would lose him if I went back to the drug life, which he like is ''my air'' a lot.
Thank you all! I hope this has helped others that may have read too

You have helped me tonight. Having my very own treatment plan and supportive people in my life that encourage me to live life as it is clean/sober, has helped me beyond my wildest dreams.

I just want to say there many paths to a life free from active addiction, just not enough people that understand how to support me. Ah such is life. Many to instruct, few to understand.

[Set Me Free]

Today is my seventh day no alcohol. I feel good. I feel free. I could make an ice cream run at ten last night because I wasn't drunk. My thoughts aren't revolving around when I can get home to that beer. I'm feeling clearer. Yeah I'm on meds for alc ohol..I don't care. I needed a start and I couldn't get one. I torture myself with the thought of that feeling that comes over me after one or two forgetting of course how I feel in the morning after having twelve trying to remember who I called last night and what the damage control is gonna be. I don't know how this is going to go but I'm trying to stay in the now. AA has not ever and will never be the solution for me...I'm not in denial...it's the way it is. I ordered the book from the SMART website and will read that also. Thanks for sharing that.

[beauflow]

runningeagleruns yes that tis very true! I tell me that too from time to time

wild cat ya know even if you have only one person that understands its better than none, I wish you well and keep your support up even yourself is a great one!

set me free' go you!, who cares what your start is, as long as you found one for you I hope you well on your journey! You can do it

[Willcat]

Sometimes all it takes is a little encouragement from caring others. Thank you beauflow.