Property Lines

A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.

If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours.

If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.

If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.

If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.

If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person's property.

People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them, too. Not us.

People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.

If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Their choices are their property, not ours.

What people choose to say and do is their business.

What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.

In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours.

Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with my issues, my responsibilities, and myself. I will take my hands off what is not mine.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

[beauflow]

thanks Thebyzantine, that is really insightful with people. Sort of gives a guided line on how to deal or feel... I will look more into me on what is mine and what is others

[gma45]

Thanks for this once again your threads are so insightful for me!

[madisgram]

beautifully worded. i'm printing it out to share with my friends in recovery or those working on getting sober. thanks, byz, so much for sharing this with us.

[Perna]

Unless their behavior literally impacts you ("literally" to differentiate from one's thoughts or feelings; just because I don't personally "like" something someone else does does not make it my job to speak up about it). I am reminded of seeing trucks on a parkway where there are "No trucks" signs; it's not my problem, it's the State's/government's problem to enforce their signs, the signs aren't there for me and my "comfort" but to protect the road so it doesn't have to be repaired as often! The road and its repair are not my problem.

My husband smokes and I have asthma. That involves me and I have to decide how I wish to deal with his addiction, almost in the same way I would have to decide to deal with it were it my own. If he did not have that addiction, I would not have that problem. I cannot make him start/stop smoking but because I have chosen to be involved with him, I am involved in his addiction also in order to care for myself adequately.

[RunningEagleRuns]

Wow. That was great.

[avoice]

Job well said.

[We_do_recover]

i love this passage

thanks!!