[Neurontin]

My sponsor helped get me through steps #1-5. I understand "I cant go at this alone" Step 1..But, I still try. I see I can change with the "help of others" Step 2...But push people away. Ive developed a relationship with a Higher Power ie..God and "Made a Decision" to act on His Will Step 3 But, self-will always FEELS better in the moment. I started writing about some "STUFF" Step 4.... and Ive seen some patterns that I shared with my sponsor Step 5 . Now I see "My defects". Most, I believe stem from "FEAR"...Im not smoking crack but, Im still hiding. I run, but always find myself with myself. Yes, Im in the "PROCESS OF CHANGE". I dont want to but I want to. If drugs was my "ONLY" problem I would have been healed already. Wow, I believe My Defects are why I USED in the first place, so that I can get a little relief from these character traits that are killing me on the inside. This isnt fun...Picking up that first drug wont take this away in the long run...Ive tried that for years...CHANGE, CHANGE, CHANGE...Am I Willing? Am I?.... Really...!!! Do I want some relief from my character flaws? How willing am I to be freed from my defects ? Well, for me, this Step simply says "We were entirely ready to have God remove"....What ?? "These Defects". Which ones ? Well, If I did Steps 4 & 5 it isn't going to be that hard to see "The Exact Nature" of these acts (Step#4), which are "My Defects". At first I didn't really understand what this Step was asking, but today going over it with my Sponsor opened my eyes just a little bit more (awareness). Step Six for me means to be in a state of readiness. This is a process and I need to be gentle with myself. I feel that Willingness also plays a role. With my new understanding I move to Step Seven......Thank God for Sponsors

[Neurontin]

Just a quick note..... I wrote this post over two years ago as I was going through the steps, I was journaling so Im just sharing what it was like in the moment.....