[Plutonian]

I haven't posted anything here in over a month. I got lost inside my addiction again, this time worse than it has been. Doing phenobarbital, heroin, vicodin, smoking weed when I can't get anything else. Basically anything that I can get my hands on right now, I've been doing. I hate it when I get to this point. I had been seeing my therapist once a month for a long time, but this past month I've been seeing her once a week. I saw her yesterday and I'll be seeing her again tomorrow. I'm regressing, and quickly.

Last night I was getting a shot of dope ready, looked at what I had, KNEW that there was enough there for at least two hits, possibly three, and I went ahead and did it all at once. I woke up on the floor on my back, glasses off my face near my feet, syringe and spoon still out, I don't know how long I was laying there. I don't know how I got on the floor. I don't know what happened. I had done two shots prior to that, but spaced out during the day. I don't know what got into me last night, I just felt like I needed to overdo it. I was up all night vomiting, passing out on the toilet, trying very very very hard to stay awake during the night, afraid I wouldn't wake up, or I'd choke on my vomit, something. I wasn't afraid of doing that much dope at once, but after the fact, when I realized what I had done, I was scared. I'm still scared. I had spent Sunday morning vomiting from dope use all Saturday night and Sunday morning, and yet I went ahead and overshot last night. How did I let myself get here? Why?

Yesterday my therapist said she thinks I would benefit from inpatient treatment. I told her I am opposed to that idea because I can't lose my job, I'm so close to graduating, I can't take that time off right now. I'm so afraid of what my friends will think, what my parents will think, what my employer and my coworkers will think, what my colleagues will think. I don't want anyone to know about how bad my drug addiction has gotten lately. She also asked me if I had thought about suicide lately. I told her the thoughts never leave my head, suicide is a constant. After last night, I realize how bad the urges have been. I don't know what to do with myself...

Also, yesterday after I had shot up during the day, maybe about five minutes after I had done it, one of my roommates asked to come into my room. I was stoned, off in my own world. She told me I haven't been myself lately, that she's extremely worried about me and if there's anything she can do to help, to just let her know. She was hugging me, crying on my shoulder, telling me these things. She asked me to take a walk with her. I did, but only after smoking a bowl to get even higher. I'm in such a terrible mindset right now, being sober is next to impossible. I haven't consumed anything today, but I've been thinking about smoking, getting my stomach to calm down enough to possibly eat something. I have a midterm in three hours, and I'm not sure if I'm going to make it there. I skipped class last night to do dope instead. Here I am, a 4.0 student, throwing my life away because I can't stand to be sober. Where do I go from here?

[Edge11]

Hi Plutonian, Glad your still alive and able to make a decision..We all have a choice.

[avoice]

You mite check out a treatment facility that has school with the program. A lot of programs offer that. Just a thought. Hope this helps..

[madisgram]

imho you are descrbing the insanity of addiction. it will take all of us and give nothing in return but self-destruction. it promises us everything but only LIES. it will take our lives if we let it. by the time i got sober i felt hopless, helpless and no reaon to live. i lost my soul. everything in life i viewed me as in a black hole, a black void. in all honesty i wasn't even there! my physical body was there but it was a shell. in my case i went inpatient. put my life on hold so i could have a life. then AA, therapy, dx, and i need meds for depression. if i didn't do all, i knew i would surely drink and die. "i didn't do life well" i would say. i needed tools to learn how to cope with life. simultaneouly all this quickened my recovery.

I don't want anyone to know about how bad my drug addiction has gotten lately

they already know.

I can't take that time off right now.

you might already have not much time if you continue using, justme.
i thought-"i can't live unless i use, i can't stand to live unless i stop."
sounds like you may be at the crossroad too. thank you for your honesty. if you didn't want to change you wouldn't have posted. we're here to support you. hope you will keep posting. we care. we've suffered as you. we understand. give yourself the choice of LIFE. you will never regret it. i can absolutely promise you that.
here's the "Promises" from AA and all 12 step programs that followed. if we stay sober they DO occur. i hope it offers you HOPE. "the promises" happened and still happen for me 22 years later.

"The Promises"
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God/or a power greater than ourselves is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They willalways materialize if we work for them.

hope my reply may help you.

[Plutonian]

I saw my therapist again today, we talked more about my addiction, about the other night. I'm tired of making myself physically ill. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up after a drug binge, completely wrecked physically and emotionally. All the vomiting, the stomach pain, the sore throats, the coughing fits, the inability to sleep, etc. My therapist wants me to go to some NA meetings this weekend, schedule an appointment with a doctor, get checked out, get on antidepressants again. Start getting my life back on track. I was hesitant on the matter of antidepressants, but I'm opening up to it more as I see where I'm going without them. I was actually looking into NA meetings last night, reading more about the program, trying to figure out if I could bring myself to do it. I know I can't keep swallowing pills, sticking a needle in my arm, filling my lungs with smoke. I just can't do it anymore. It makes me ill thinking about the things I've done to escape reality, the things I've done to try to get away from my thoughts. I feel worse with these substances, and yet I continue to do them because I'm not sure what else to do. I want to try to find a different way to cope with my problems, instead of masking them with chemicals.

I'd do inpatient if I could right now, but I really absolutely cannot do that. I have a little over a month left of school. I can't drop out now to fix my mental instabilities because my program was cancelled and this is the last semester I have the opportunity to take the classes I need. I was able to get sober last year for about five months, but I need to be able to get sober now and fight off the cravings long enough to make it through graduation. If I can at the very least get myself to graduate, and if I'm still not fighting off the chemicals in a way I want to, I will consider inpatient.

I am going to talk to my roommate today about my problems, and see if she can drive me to a meeting this weekend, make sure I go :\

[ManicDad]

It's been a few days since your last update do I hope you were able to get to a meeting. It is very important for you to have maximum support right now. I understand that inpatient is not possible right now, but support is really necessary to get over this hurdle do please do whatever you can to get to a meeting.

Peace.

[Plutonian]

I appreciate your concern and taking the time to reply

I haven't gone to any meetings, but I have been seeing my therapist regularly and talking to my roommate when I have urges, explaining things to my friends. I gave my roommate all of my paraphernalia, the rest of my stash so she could get rid of everything. I've been staying away from my dealers, staying away from friends who will bring me back into using. I've been clean a week now. I am finding support, just not at meetings. It's extremely difficult for me to put myself in a social situation where I don't know anyone, I feel like meetings will exacerbate my anxiety at this point which will be more detrimental than helpful :\

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by Plutonian

I've been clean a week now. I am finding support, just not at meetings. It's extremely difficult for me to put myself in a social situation where I don't know anyone, I feel like meetings will exacerbate my anxiety at this point which will be more detrimental than helpful :\

plutonian, sounds like you're doing some positive actions to support your efforts to stay clean. in reply to your comment about social anxiety, your friend could attend a meeting(s) with you to be supportive. i do hope you'll consider this so you can go to a meeting. it's free and you will find tremendous support to help you along your path. they've experienced the same as you and got clean. also you can just go and listen to others. no need to talk.
we've all felt scared to go thru that door the first time. so you're not alone with those feelings. there are certainly constructive methods to stay away from drugs and you're doing some. NA would just offer you an additional support system.
i wish you well. you're changing your life and that's a very good thing.

[ManicDad]

One week clean is awesome! Great job!