[Plutonian]

**Lots of triggers**

I started doing drugs when I was 14. Started out with pain killers, and weed. Transitioned to 'shrooms, acid, coke, dxm (cough syrup), and more--basically anything I could get my hands on over the years. My love-hate relationship with coke and dxm led to extreme weight loss, major concerns from friends and family. I've had a couple overdoses on different substances, and managed to quit doing "hard" drugs about two years ago. I've been smoking weed for years and managed to quit smoking around this time last year, then 4/20 rolled around and my friends basically pressured me into it. I kind of let them do it, my will power was faltering immensely. But I quit again in July, and felt alright for a while. My roommate smokes and it was extremely hard quitting knowing she was smoking in the next room and we used to sit, smoke, and talk for hours. But I managed to do it.

December rolled around and my brother asked me to make him some special brownies. Initially, I hesitated...told him I'd think about it. Then I agreed. Mistake number one. The smell. The trying of little crumbs that fell off the freshly cut brownies. All that led to eating a couple brownies, and smoking maybe five or six times from mid-December to now. I used to smoke all day, every day. And the fact that I went from that to completely free of it, was a major accomplishment for me. I feel upset at myself now for going back to smoking, but I'm trying not to beat myself up over it at this point because it's only every few weeks that I do it. Although, that is not a good point for me to be at, because that's how I started smoking in the first place.

I'm not entirely sure what to do right now. My mind is telling me to give up all drugs for good, not even do them every now and then because I know of the problems I've had with them in the past. My surroundings and the people in my life are making it extremely difficult for that to happen. All of my friends at least smoke weed, if not do other drugs I used to. I've quit hanging out with most of them. I can't exactly push my brother out of my life, though. And I find myself wanting to do certain drugs again, or try new ones because I'm bored with life. I've been filling up my days with school and work, trying to go for walks everyday, pick up hobbies I enjoy so I don't think about intoxication. But every now and then, the idea pops in my head, "maybe I should find some ___ again." I'm at that point now, where intoxication sounds fantastic

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict. I know how difficult it was for your to quit, initially. When I got clean/sober, I went to AA, and they told me I had to change people, places and things. So I did, and they were SO right! I had to change the route I took to work because before I would drive past a convenience store --- and on the way home I would stop and pick up my drink of choice. I had to change ALL the people I hung out with, because they were ALL drinkers. After I quit drinking/drugging, I hung out with ONLY clean/sober people. That was/is the ONLY way I can do it. I've been sober for over 18 years now, but if I start hanging with people who drink, I KNOW I'll start drinking again cause that's just the way I am.

No, you cannot throw your brother out of your life, BUT you can ask him to NOT use when he's with you. If he won't do that, then he doesn't respect you very much, does he! Just tell him that he CANNOT use when he's in your home --- simple as that. If he loves you, he'll respect your wishes. But please get clean again --- this drug usage is killing you. Perhaps you could try NA or AA?

God bless and please keep us posted on how you're doing. Take care. Hugs, Lee

[Plutonian]

My lease is up in May, and I'm considering moving to a different town at least 30-60 minutes away just to get away from all the people I know here and my job. I think my job is a major reason why I can't bring myself to fully get away from intoxication. I work at a vet clinic and it's extremely stressful at times. I've been tempted to take some of the drugs out of the pharmacy that I know would intoxicate me I don't want to end up stealing from my workplace, but the temptation is there and sometimes it's overwhelming.

I also live in Michigan, and my brother has managed to get himself a medical card for weed, so he's constantly using. He's very persuasive and manipulative at times, so asking him to not use around me would result in a long conversation on why weed isn't bad, just smoke it, etc. We were both raised in a not so wonderful environment, and he's been struggling with alcoholism and addiction as well. I took more to heavy drug use, he took more to alcohol and weed. I want him to get help as well, but I know he thinks he doesn't have a problem. He lives with my parents, and he's two years older than I am, but my parents either refuse to believe we have problems, or they just don't want to approach the situation. My mom sees my brother bring home bags upon bags of weed and just shakes her head, says a few words, and leaves it at that. Sadly, getting away from my family would probably help a lot right now.

I'm going to see my therapist in a couple hours, discuss my options with her, see what would be best for me at this point.

[Leed]

Great! I think it's good that you're seeing a therapist. I also think it would be a good idea to get away from the town you live in and the job you're in. It would also be a good idea to NOT get back into the same work that you're doing now, so that you could stay away from any/all drugs. I know it's difficult to find work in Michigan, but something will come up.

Believe me, life without drugs/alcohol is MUCH happier. I never thought it would or could be, but it certainly is! Plus going to AA helped me immensely -- I found out why I chose to drink/drug. And what AA couldn't help me with, therapy did. So I'm MUCH healthier both mentally & physically than I ever was.

There's nothing you can do to help your brother -- he has to WANT the help himself. No one can stop YOU from drinking/drugging unless YOU want to stop. You have to want it more than anything else or you won't stop. That's just the way addiction is. So there's no point in nagging your brother -- he'll stop when he hits bottom. It's unfortunate, but that's the way it is. I'm going thru the same thing with my son.

I wish you the very best -- PLEASE keep me posted on how you're doing, ok?? I really care. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Plutonian]

Oh, I definitely don't want to be working in the veterinary field anymore. It's not good for any aspect of my life. So depressing, stressful. I'm going to start looking around for horticulture jobs. I forgot to mention that I'm graduating in May also, with honors I'm keeping my head up with that, but some days are better than others. The past few days have been really rough, seeing my therapist helped, though. We came to the conclusion that my best bet at this point would be not just moving a few towns away, because my friends could still visit, and I could come back here, but actually leaving the state for a few years at least. It seems excessive, but I feel like that would be the most beneficial for me at this point, as I have friends spread all over this state. I couldn't actually get away from them all by staying in Michigan, which is unfortunate because it's really pretty here, and I like it, but there's just so much bringing me down here.

My mom does a lot of nagging with my brother, she's stopped with me because I've gotten my life (mostly) back on track by keeping a job, doing well in school, etc. I've mentioned to him that he should at least get back into school, or find a job, do something other than hang around the house, but I've not said more than that. I remember when my friends would address my drug use (you know it's bad when your drug addict friends tell you your drug use is excessive), and I'd blow them off. I think what hit me hardest was when one of my good friends who was not an addict said something along the lines of, "you're caught in between life and death: You're too afraid to live so you drug yourself, but you're too afraid to die so you don't kill yourself, either." That still didn't get me to change my ways, so sadly I can understand needing to hit bottom I just wish there was an easier way...

I'm feeling better today though, cravings are down to a murmur. I think I'm going to go for a walk in the woods for a while, get my head cleared, fresh air in my lungs. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond

[roads]

Are you there, Plutonian? Miss you. Wondering how classes are going, and the cravings.

Roadie