[Emptty]

I can't take it anymore. Things are so difficult to overcome. I've been clean from alcohol and drugs for months but out of all my addictions, quitting sexual behaviors has been the hardest - I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle all time. I can't get away from the addiction, everything is a constant reminder of the things I am trying so desperately to avoid.

How do you live after you've kicked the addiction? How do you move on when you know it can never be the same, no more excess or just no more in general? I feel like there's no recovering from an addiction.. it's always there eating away at me until I break again..I don't know how I'm supposed to live this way day in and day out, it isn't getting any easier.

[madisgram]

idk if this may help. many ppl use the 12 steps of AA to change many addictive behaviors, i.e. cigarette smoking, overeating, gambling,etc. r u familar with the 12 steps of recovery?

[Emptty]

Yes I am familiar with it. I went to NA and AA for awhile but it made me want to get high/drunk more... and I met a lot of people who I became involved with sexually to feed my other addiction.

I'm just toxic, I ruin everyone I come into contact with even when they're trying to help me.
It's so hard.. I don't feel like I've recovered at all.

Recovery takes time. Do you have a therapist who can support and talk to you about these issues?

[madisgram]

i believe there exists the addictive personality. some may switch from one destructive behavior to another. it all stems i believe that we are "all or nothing people." we find ourselves excessive to a fault to anything that pleases us. any of those things creates a high, a rush. it's temporary but that's the pay off. it also controls us, we don't control it. there are solutions but one first has to want to change our behaviors. otherwise we continue to return to the quick high. once it wears off we feel we need another high. it's a viscious self destructive cycle.
from an article

Consequences of Acting Out:

Positive (these tend to be short-lived)

• Quick “fix” - an intense “high”, nirvana; in some cases simply a numbing of bad feelings
• Reassurance that everything's ok...ones moods can be controlled by acting out
• Anxiety/depression lessen. Some people report that after acting out they can concentrate for the first time in weeks. If this happens, it tends to happen when acting out is infrequent. As tolerance develops this sense of well-being decreases (if it was present at all).

Negative

• Remorse, shame, self-hatred
• Medical, financial, legal, career, relational, and physical safety problems
• Mood swings - emotional roller coaster
• Tolerance - more and more acting out is required to obtain desired result - mountain top feeling doesn't happen as much
• Withdrawal - physiological/ psychological symptoms occur if acting out behavior is stopped

[Leed]

I can attest to the fact that I have an addictive personality. I think I could become addicted to lint. If I don't stay close to AA and the Big Book, I'm in big trouble.

Even after many years sober -- and i don't feel threatened at all -- but this disease is cunning, baffling and POWERFUL -- I don't take this disease for granted. It is sitting, waiting for me to stumble. It is hoping that I'll succumb to it.

I can live easily after becoming clean/sober if I change people/places and things. That means changing my life and if I have to do that to live, then so be it !! The "friends" I had weren't really 'friends" anyway -- they were just using playmates. The places I went were just drug houses or bars. And the things I did or used obviously have to be changed.

You ask how do you move on when there is no more "excess?" Good Lord, I dont WANT any more excess!! I've gotten rid of the guilt, shame and remorse! I've gotten rid of the headaches, hangovers, blackouts. I no longer have it "eatiing away" at me because I've gotten past that point just as YOU will. Give it time.

You got this way over time. You are NOT going to get better OVERNIGHT. Please give AA or NA a chance. LISTEN when you go, and trust that you WILL get better. Millions of people have. I wish you the best -- just don't give up. Hugs, Lee

[danaflett]

Yes give time to your recovery,as someone said,it took years for you to get this way,so it may take a while to find your ground and claw back,but you will.
It's not easy so many times ive succumed to alcohol,vowing to myself never to touch the stuff again,this time i really mean it,you can do this.
I go to aa once a week just to keep me focused,and i enjoy hearing all the different stories that folks have to share,knowing it's not just me that is going through this hell,stay strong.

Also maybe it would help to get a proper dx besides the depression and addiction? And then of course it does not help to have a sexual relationship with your therapist when you have this kind of problem/sexaddiction ...An eighteen year old girl... But there have been hundres of postings in here and you don´t seem to listen in either forums..Yet you feel more and more in distress Hmmm?? Interesting...Wonder why?

[Emptty]

Originally Posted by lonelybychoice

Also maybe it would help to get a proper dx besides the depression and addiction? And then of course it does not help to have a sexual relationship with your therapist when you have this kind of problem/sexaddiction ...An eighteen year old girl... But there have been hundres of postings in here and you don´t seem to listen in either forums..Yet you feel more and more in distress Hmmm?? Interesting...Wonder why?

It's interesting that someone always keeps up on this. My therapist didn't make me an addict, I was an addict before I met him. He's all I have. I don't feel more and more in distress, I've been in distress since childhood. I've fallen so far and I'm all alone and T is the only person in my life- literally. It's not that I don't listen to the postings it's that other posters don't listen to me.
In the past year I've had two failed suicide attempts, I've quit drugs and quit drinking(for the most part). I don't have any friends, I don't have a family capable of loving/caring because they suffer from mental illness and addiction. I work multiple jobs to pay for school/food/bills(so at least I'm trying to stay on the right path), when I'm not working I hang out in starbucks a lot and then usually sleep in my car. I'm home now but that's only because no one is home, when they stumble in wasted I'll probably be back in the cafe.. If you put yourself in my shoes for one minute and imagine what it's like to have no one to support you through ****in severe depression, abuse and an addiction then maybe you'll understand that I can't ****in leave my T, he is my life line. I can't walk away. I ****in can't leave him so just lay off it. I'll stop posting I don't give a **** but it's not that I don't listen. You people just don't understand.
I'm trying really hard to do the right things and straighten out my life and just get through school so maybe I can get out of the hell I'm in and stop living off the dollar menu at mcdonalds. My T is the only person I have on my side to support me and a few friends on here that I don't even know. I've been alone for too long... and maybe if I could leave I would but I can't.

It's not that I don't listen. It's easy for everyone on here to advise me because you guys are all older, you all have options in RL. I have nothing but myself, my hopes and dreams and my T. Sometimes it's more helpful to understand and just be there to hear someone then it is to push your opinion.

I do see your view, and unfortunately even if I agreed with you and wanted to leave the relationship I couldn't. Not now anyway. So lay off it ok. I'm sorry.

[Emptty]

Originally Posted by Leed

You got this way over time. You are NOT going to get better OVERNIGHT. Please give AA or NA a chance. LISTEN when you go, and trust that you WILL get better. Millions of people have. I wish you the best -- just don't give up. Hugs, Lee

Thanks... I've tried AA and NA and for awhile AA was helpful(everyone was always relapsing in NA so I stuck with AA). I always had a good experience there but I'd leave feeling discouraged. It's just so hard to keep up with the meetings because of work and I never really felt better going. I try to keep my mind off everything and meetings make me crave..

[Leed]

Emptty ~ get yourself a sponsor -- not necessarily one with years & years of sobriety, but one with QUALITY sobriety. Perhaps they DO have years & years of sobriety, but they have to have sobriety in their heart! They've got to have surrendered to the disease and know that they are powerless over it. Just because someone has years of sobriety, they could still be a dry-drunk. So be careful who you choose as a sponsor.

A sponsor can help you thru the steps, and thru the program. But they can also be your confidante'. They are the ones you tell your deepest, darkest secrets to, and no one else. They are trustworthy -- they won't betray you. You can dump on them and get rid of the garbage you've been carrying around, much like a counselor.

So try AA again, get a sponsor and remember that you don't have to leave the meeting craving again. God bless & take care. Hugs, lee