[Sabrina]

My Mom has been an alcoholic for years. But lately it has been getting worse and worse. Now after her cancer diagnosis and subsequent lung operation, she is at an all time worst going through about a bottle a day. She is constantly ill and emotional and is on the verge of losing her job.
She doesn't remember but phoned AA yesterday and said she will go to a meeting tonight. They will fetch her. I have said I will go with her for support.

She might of been saved of cancer but she is slowly dying in front of my eyes. She is haggard and looks far older than she is. She just isn't coping with life anymore. All I want to do is distance myself.

[madisgram]

it's so painful for the family to witness the throes of alcohol and the self destruction of loved one. i'm glad you offered to go with her to a meeting. and ACOA's do need to distance themselves somewhat. it's protecting one's self. have you considered attending a meeting of ACOA? you need the support of others and will find ppl who are/have gone thru what u're going thru. ACOA can help you find a healthy way for yourself of dealing with a family member in active addiction. alcoholism is a 'family disease' as you readily know firsthand.
the other thought i have is why not pick the right time and tell your mom how her drinkingg makes you feel. try to pick a time before she's gotten too much booze in her. maybe that will create the spark for her to consider how her alcoholism affects you and the sadness you feel.

[missbelle]

There is also al-anon for families and friends of alcoholics. I went several years to those meetings. My two youngest children have alcohol issues and the meetings gave me tools and support when I needed it.
I know how difficult this must be for you!!

[AngelWolf3]

This has got to be so hard. I hope that the meeting will help...it is wonderful that you are going with her. I do not have experience in this, and so can only offer my hugs to you.

[Sabrina]

Well, as predicted, Mom won't be going to the meeting. She has made all sorts of excuses. I expected it. Fortunately she has no alcohol available to her today. After the third hysterical phone call from her - told her to take an Ativan. I knew she had them but she had forgotten. She has just phoned again to say she feels much calmer.

[Leed]

I'm so sorry this is happening Sabrina. I know how hard it is to watch. I wish she had gone to AA, but since she had been drinking it probalbly wouldn't have done her much good anyway as she probably wouldn't have retained much that was said.

Try going to some Al-Anon meetings and see how you like them.

I wish you the very best Sabrina. Please take care of yourself. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee Hugs, Lee

[roads]

She needed to go to the AA meeting, drunk or whatever. You need to go to Al-Anon and let AA take her to meetings. If I were she, I would (deep down) be better off if you didn't come with me to the AA meetings ... no matter what I say to you face-to-face.

My opinion, Sabrina.

I needed AA and a good group and the right sponsor to get sober. I was blessed, & I'm hoping for both your sakes she is too.

Many hugs, all best wishes, my continuing thoughts with you ...

Roadie

[notz]

I too, called for help in an alcoholic stupor...over and over again. And then I wouldn't go. Finally I did go, I don't know what changed. I suppose, as they say, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. People were there for me, both in and outside of AA, damn good thing.

Try Al-anon. It's a good program for someone in the position you're in. Try 6 meetings at least. I highly recommend it. I learned much from both AA and Al-anon.

((( Sabrina )))

[roads]

I dont supposed your Mom has any friends who've been through AA or AlAnon?

[Sabrina]

No Roadie. My Mom has her work colleagues and me. Her Sister is in another city and unfortunately TOTALLY unforgiving so of no support at all. I'm afraid getting Mom to AA rests on my shoulders and she is ONE stubborn woman. She has already said that she is not ready for AA (even though she phoned them in a state of distress) and that she wants to cut back by herself. She has done well over the last few days (I've checked), but Mom has by no means stopped.

[madisgram]

i've been following your thread, sabrina. in AA they tell us we need to hit a bottom to come to our senses about our drinking. some of us had to sink to lower bottoms before we "woke up" and sadly many ppl never realize they are drinking their life away. the consequences of that choice is dreadful.
it sounds like your mom is not ready to get help. i could be wrong but that's my take on it. meanwhile she's keeping you emotionally tethered with her drinking be it a lot of not. i can tell you from what you've written about her drinking career that even if she slows down now she will return to heavy drinking once more. the only way an alcoholic can exist once they are in the throes of active alcoholism is total abstinence. we can't "bargain" with this disease.
there's another thought i have. they say alcoholics in active addiction take people "hostage", not having a healthy relationship with friends or family. sort of like "crying wolf". it seems that's what your mom is doing with you...taking you hostage.
if i were you i'd focus on yourself and attend al-anon or ACOA. you need support and caring. your mom will have to find her own way. if she decides to go to AA she can call the district office for a ride if need be.
i know it's painful to watch your mom but her insanity is rolling over into your life. you don't deserve that. you deserve more.
when alcoholics are active we are self-centered, it's all about us and we don't care who we hurt or cause worry to. i know. i was once that way. (in recovery a long time now).
i don't think it unkind if you draw the line in the sand with your mom. tell her if she wants help to get it and meanwhile you're moving along with your own life (even tho her actions are painful cause you love her). set that boundary. don't be her "audience".
this is just my opinion, sabrina. and it's not selfish of you or less a daughter to have a rich life full of joy. i'll be keeping your mom and you in my prayers. i am so glad you've reached out to us here. you are not isolated. we care. please consider al-anon or ACOA for YOU.

[gma45]

You are in my prayers Sabrina! (((((((((((Sabrina)))))))))))))

[youOme]

I can relate accept my mother is a drug user not alcoholic.. Shes at her worse as well and has seemed to have given up on ever making it out. Shes even made a will recently. Its to the point where when shes withdrawing she has severe pain along with entire body spasms. It doesnt phase her so it seems. But I refuse to give up on her and your support is the best you can give your mother. Your hope may inspire her. Hope for the best in both our situations.

Originally Posted by Sabrina

I'm afraid getting Mom to AA rests on my shoulders and she is ONE stubborn woman.

Hey Sabrina,

First of all I'm sorry you're going through this, it's hard (I have a parent with alcoholism who is still active as well as the disease myself).

Secondly, it's not your responsibility to get her sober. Unfortunately she will have to do this on her own. You *can* however distance yourself, DONT enable her destructive behavior and her disease BUT support any shots at sobriety and recovery.

I would definitely recommend going to al-anon, they are an extremely supportive group of people who will help you cope with your mom's alcoholism and help keep YOU safe. Look in your local paper and try going to a meeting, you will be welcomed with friendly faces.

When I was still an active drinker, I had many people 'attempt' to get me sober, I even had somewhat of an intervention. I continued to drink. I had people break ties with me and leave my life who were important to me. I continued to drink. I had people willing to drive me to meetings, go with me, set me up with a drug/alcohol counsellor and offer to stay at my house so they could 'make sure I didn't drink.' I continued to drink.

When I finally hit bottom (a horrible thing) that is when I had to get my butt to AA and start getting sober, for myself. I had to do it on my own, there was no way around that.

I can only suggest to keep yourself sane and safe and go talk to others with experience who are in your situation. This will help take the weight off of your shoulders. Best wishes.