[MarlboroChick]

Im scared that someone I know is going to find this thread....

A year ago my parents put me in rehab to get me off heroin. That lasted for a little while, and then a few months ago I relapsed and im using daily again. I dont always get high anymore, since ive built up tolerance, but I need it or withdrawl starts.
I dont think my parents or girlfriend know yet (or at least not the extent of it). Theres so much **** going on with my mom and dad, though, i dont think theyll notice anytime soon.
I do a lot of disgusting crap to get my dope. Maybe im biased, but I really think that this is the most evil drug. There should be more commercials for it like the ones they have for meth, ahaha.
I noticed a lot of people on here have problems with opiates, but its usually painkillers. Am I the only one...?

[Cherry73]

You are far from being the only one. I am a recovering heroin addict and I used for many years. I did and have seen a lot of disturbing things that I will have to carry with me all my days on this earth. I never knew what I was capable of until I started messing with dope. You will do anything to keep from being sick. I understand where you are coming from. I just hope you can get out and soon because you know how the story ends if you don't. I have been clean since 2005.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2

[MarlboroChick]

Originally Posted by Cherry73

You are far from being the only one. I am a recovering heroin addict and I used for many years. I did and have seen a lot of disturbing things that I will have to carry with me all my days on this earth. I never knew what I was capable of until I started messing with dope. You will do anything to keep from being sick. I understand where you are coming from. I just hope you can get out and soon because you know how the story ends if you don't. I have been clean since 2005.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2

That.
How did you end up stopping? I dont have the willpower to just decide to stop. And at this point, I really dont mind the alternative to getting clean.

[Cherry73]

I went to six thirty day inpatient faculties and always ended up back out just varied in how long it took me to go back out. Due to how engrossed my life was with drugs because I didn't just use, I needed to remove myself from all familiar people, places, and things. I went 1000 miles away to a six month long term inpatient treatment facility. I didn't want to go at all. Family gave me an ultimatum and I didn't like the alternative especially in my current condition so I took the plane ticket and left. I fought it for a while but I started listening and realized I didn't want this life anymore. Jail if you haven't been sucks take my word. Death well we don't have all the facts on that so I chose clean life and I worked the steps and went to meetings and changed my way of thinking. Believe me you can and will have a better life if you want it. You just need to realize you can never ever do it again. There is no moderation or I just do it this one time people like us are all or nothing so it has to be nothing. I never thought I would have kids and I have two wonderful kids who are proud that I am there mom. They tell me every day that I am the best mom ever. I never in a million years thought anyone would ever say that about me. I was the master user and manipulator not stay at home soccer mom. I love every minute of it and hands down would take this life over and other. Now granted I am not where I want to be but I will get there and I am behind because I spent so much time chasing heroin. I messed my health up tremendously because of it and an working on getting it back together so I am have a career and buy my own house but until then I am still happy I made that choice on November 21, 2005 that I was done letting heroine control my life. You can do the same thing to and wake up happy every morning instead of ill and looking for a way to get well. Feel free to friend me and message me if you want to talk. Good luck.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2

[Jolisse]

I never used heroin, but I hear it's very addictive.
Have you been to a pdoc or therapist? I understand the need to self medicate, but there are other meds that may help you.
I'm afraid of "street" drugs, you never know what you're getting. Please seek help for your addiction before it becomes out of control.

[Cherry73]

In my experience hospital detox is the way to go. You do become extremely ill and in some situations it can be dangerous. If you go inpatient for detox than can control it and give you certain medicines to make sure you don't become to sick. Some hospitals have a three day detox where they administer a medication every four hours but decrease the amount each time and that was the best way for me and you got to meet with a therapist and psychiatrist and once you were feeling better you are able to participate in group therapy and the like. Please reach out for help. If you don't know who to call I would start with your local hospital or health department and they should be able to give you the proper numbers to call.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2

[MarlboroChick]

I never used heroin, but I hear it's very addictive.
Have you been to a pdoc or therapist? I understand the need to self medicate, but there are other meds that may help you.
I'm afraid of "street" drugs, you never know what you're getting. Please seek help for your addiction before it becomes out of control.

Yeah I have a psychiatrist and a few therapists I see regularly, but its mostly for problems other than this.

In my experience hospital detox is the way to go. You do become extremely ill and in some situations it can be dangerous. If you go inpatient for detox than can control it and give you certain medicines to make sure you don't become to sick. Some hospitals have a three day detox where they administer a medication every four hours but decrease the amount each time and that was the best way for me and you got to meet with a therapist and psychiatrist and once you were feeling better you are able to participate in group therapy and the like. Please reach out for help. If you don't know who to call I would start with your local hospital or health department and they should be able to give you the proper numbers to call.

Last summer I stayed in the hospital for several months because of this, and for a few weeks pretty recently. I stay off it for a few weeks or months and always go back to it. Not sure how to stop for good after being out of a hospital. Im not really sure if i want to stop for good.

[Nobodyandnothing]

Marlboro, Maybe the reason you use H is because of the other bad stuff going on in yout life. You need to let your pdoc and therapist know exactly what is going on do they can help. They may be able to bring in other resources. Please don't mess up your life. The longer you wait the harder it may be. For instance, you never mentioned this problem when talking about your mom petitioning for guardianship. Your use of H gives her a big reason for doing so. You need a safe environment and that will happen once these others are resolved, or at least considered.

[MarlboroChick]

Originally Posted by Nobodyandnothing

Marlboro, Maybe the reason you use H is because of the other bad stuff going on in yout life. You need to let your pdoc and therapist know exactly what is going on do they can help. They may be able to bring in other resources. Please don't mess up your life. The longer you wait the harder it may be. For instance, you never mentioned this problem when talking about your mom petitioning for guardianship. Your use of H gives her a big reason for doing so. You need a safe environment and that will happen once these others are resolved, or at least considered.

I dont really want to talk to them about exactly how much i use; i dont want to be sent to rehab or a ward again. They know about the guardianship thing. My psychiatrist and therapists all think its a good idea so i guess im just listening to them.

[avlady]

Yes listen to your doc and T's, they can really help and bring you to a point where you can get the help you so badly need.

[winter4me]

Nobodyandnothing is right on target. Given what you have posted elsewhere, I have to agree. It is a big risk to take, getting straight and seeing things as they really are---and you do lose something when you get healthy----it takes time to see that what you have lost is nothing compared to what you gain----'...a long long time to be gone/such a short time to be here...'

[MarlboroChick]

Originally Posted by winter4me

Nobodyandnothing is right on target. Given what you have posted elsewhere, I have to agree. It is a big risk to take, getting straight and seeing things as they really are---and you do lose something when you get healthy----it takes time to see that what you have lost is nothing compared to what you gain----'...a long long time to be gone/such a short time to be here...'

I dont see how getting sober and feeling like **** all the time is better.

[Cinema]

My uncle died of an overdose of heroin when I was 12, it was tragic cause he was just getting his life together, he had a girlfriend who he told me he was planning to ask to marry him, he was in medical school, he moved out from our house, and we thought he was clean. I think you should tell your parents. I would say, think about what this is doing to your family, but when I say that the reply is usually 'but what about how I'm feeling!'. So,think about yourself and how this could screw up your life and future.

[winter4me]

You DON"T feel like **** all the time once you are sober, and treating your body well for a length of time. You get healthy, you get to see the world in a new way. You have to give up the addiction, the friends around the addiction, the rationalization of abuse, you have described a bleak life so far......There is so much beauty out there---spend some time talking to those who have managed to maintain sobriety; life is never perfect, but it is a hell of a lot better when you control your own body, and all the other aspects of your life that are now controlled by the addiction, and the irrational thinking that comes with the territory. Hope is there, you are here and asking...if you were happy with how things are you wouldn't be here. Please hang around, you have a long (I hope) life and you can spend time trying some new, different ways of living. It doesn't come easy and there are losses you will suffer if you choose to change. In the end, it is up to you. For now, it may be all you can do to just consider the idea of change. And that is okay.

[Cherry73]

I agree with winter you definitely don't feel like **** after you get sober. Once all the drugs are out of your system you actually feel way better than you ever did using. You actually have interests and want to do things that have nothing to do with drugs. You have time to enjoy people instead of always being so consumed about where your next fix is coming from. I had a horrible miserable life and didn't want to go on. Now I have two wonderful children which I had never even thought possible at that time. Your sense come alive. You don't even realize how deaden they become while you are using. It is a long hard road but look at the alternative death to me it's worth it. I know it is hard to comprehend or believe may be a better word when you are still using. In fact, to e perfectly honest when I was using people like me now really got on my nerves. It took me a really long time to figure this out. I did six inpatient rehabs before I finally went long term and made the decision to stop and started to actually crave a better life. I understand you have a lot to think about and decisions to be made. If you ever want someone to talk to who understand don't hesitate to message me. I am always willing to talk to anyone who was in my same situation. I hope this helps. You can ask me anything when it comes to this topic I am open.

[MarlboroChick]

I would say, think about what this is doing to your family, but when I say that the reply is usually 'but what about how I'm feeling!'. So,think about yourself and how this could screw up your life and future.

I dont care about my future. Or how my family feels about it. My body, my choice. It sounds selfish but its true.

For now, it may be all you can do to just consider the idea of change. And that is okay.

Sometimes I do think about it. And then i realize how unrealistic it would be for me to change. My parents had to go through hell just to get me in the car to go to rehab ahaha.

I agree with winter you definitely don't feel like **** after you get sober. Once all the drugs are out of your system you actually feel way better than you ever did using. You actually have interests and want to do things that have nothing to do with drugs. You have time to enjoy people instead of always being so consumed about where your next fix is coming from. I had a horrible miserable life and didn't want to go on. Now I have two wonderful children which I had never even thought possible at that time. Your sense come alive. You don't even realize how deaden they become while you are using. It is a long hard road but look at the alternative death to me it's worth it. I know it is hard to comprehend or believe may be a better word when you are still using. In fact, to e perfectly honest when I was using people like me now really got on my nerves. It took me a really long time to figure this out. I did six inpatient rehabs before I finally went long term and made the decision to stop and started to actually crave a better life. I understand you have a lot to think about and decisions to be made. If you ever want someone to talk to who understand don't hesitate to message me. I am always willing to talk to anyone who was in my same situation. I hope this helps. You can ask me anything when it comes to this topic I am open.

Yeah. It really is. I dont see how children or friends or hobbies could ever make you feel better than when your high. Ahaha i dont even want any of those things. And thank you.

[winter4me]

I believe that some part of you, small, but real, at times very much wants other things. At least you know now that, should you ever decide to try something different for a while, you have people who have been there you can talk with, on forum or in private. Of course you had to be dragged to rehab----I wish you could be locked in rehab for a couple of years; (don't kill me now) ---long ago, in this state, that was possible and it worked much better than you would think---lots of anger to start but enough time to come out knowing what life you do want to lead---and how to change/re-up if needed. The addiction controls you, you do not control it. Take care, as much as you are willing. And do get tested regularly for bloodborne diseases and STDs, unless that is all okay with you too, in which case at least warn any sexual partners who aren't infected---(maybe you are celebate)----this would include same sex partners too.
And, any health care providers.

[Nobodyandnothing]

[QUOTE=Nobodyandnothing;3198348]Marlboro, Maybe the reason you use H is because of the other bad stuff going on in yout life. You need to let your pdoc and therapist know exactly what is going on do they can help. They may be able to bring in other resources. Please don't mess up your life. The longer you wait the harder it may be. For instance, you never mentioned this problem when talking about your mom petitioning for guardianship. Your use of H gives her a big reason for doing so. You need a safe environment and that will happen once these others are resolved, or at least considered.[/

Can somebody help me please---

I see what I wrote to M yesterday but I have absolutely no memory of this. It has happened to me several times on PC. Does anybody have any idea what must be going on for me so I can try to fix myself? Can somebody else be using my screen name. This really bothers me.

Thanks,
Nobody

[MarlboroChick]

I believe that some part of you, small, but real, at times very much wants other things. At least you know now that, should you ever decide to try something different for a while, you have people who have been there you can talk with, on forum or in private. Of course you had to be dragged to rehab----I wish you could be locked in rehab for a couple of years; (don't kill me now) ---long ago, in this state, that was possible and it worked much better than you would think---lots of anger to start but enough time to come out knowing what life you do want to lead---and how to change/re-up if needed. The addiction controls you, you do not control it. Take care, as much as you are willing. And do get tested regularly for bloodborne diseases and STDs, unless that is all okay with you too, in which case at least warn any sexual partners who aren't infected---(maybe you are celebate)----this would include same sex partners too.
And, any health care providers.

Its really depressing that im so ****ed up that people want me to be locked away for a couple of years. Dont worry either way, with that guardianship thing my mom will still be able to put me in rehab or a ward even when im 18+. I never found them helpful anyways. Especially the stupid nurses that call you 'sweetie' and 'honey'.
I do. Im fine.

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by Nobodyandnothing

Marlboro, Maybe the reason you use H is because of the other bad stuff going on in yout life. You need to let your pdoc and therapist know exactly what is going on do they can help. They may be able to bring in other resources. Please don't mess up your life. The longer you wait the harder it may be. For instance, you never mentioned this problem when talking about your mom petitioning for guardianship. Your use of H gives her a big reason for doing so. You need a safe environment and that will happen once these others are resolved, or at least considered.[/

Can somebody help me please---

I see what I wrote to M yesterday but I have absolutely no memory of this. It has happened to me several times on PC. Does anybody have any idea what must be going on for me so I can try to fix myself? Can somebody else be using my screen name. This really bothers me.

Thanks,
Nobody

Thats weird. You should check into seeing if you have a problem with short term memory. I heard on a radio talk show a while ago about this man that would forget details about his entire life ever 20 seconds, and it lasted for a day (or a couple, I dont remember) and then it just went away. Im not saying thats you, just mentioning it.
If you think its someone else id change your password and make sure your computer is locked when your done with it.

[spondiferous]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, Marlboro.
I'm not really sure what you want, though. There are no easy answers in life, ever. But do you want to be sick, or do you want to be well? Being in recovery means having choices. Choices you don't have when you're ****ed up because you're not out chasing the dope all the time, because you're not a slave to getting and using and finding ways and means to get more, and then dealing with the side effects. My life sucked when I first got clean. Parts of it still suck and I turned 7 years yesterday, clean and sober. You know why? Because I was ****ed up for 23 years and I'm only 34 and I pissed my entire life away, and now I'm dealing with the consequences. There are also consequences to deciding you don't want to deal with the consequences: jails, institutions, death, complete insanity, physical deterioration, absolute misery, lack of choice.
It sometimes takes people many, many tries to kick it for good. There is usually no such thing as 'just stopping' although it does work for some. Some people wake up and have truly had enough of living in utter depravity and something in them just turns over. They call it surrender. They just can't do it anymore. But I know women who are in their 40s and 50s who've been in rehab 20 times or more and they're still completely ****ed.
It really depends on what you want. Life, or no life? When it comes to addiction there are only two options.
There are people here, now, willing to help you. There are people pretty much all over the world who are ready and willing to help you. When you're ready, they'll still be there. And I'm not a religious person, but I pray you will be. Sooner rather than later. It's a downward spiral and a one-way street.
I'm sorry about all the **** going on with your mom and dad. I'm even more sorry that there's yet another person - you - out there in the world who's been a victim of abuse, addiction, and a system that more or less doesn't give a ****, someone who's experienced living on the street at a very young age and so much other stuff that really no human being should be subjected to ever. I don't blame you for thinking you don't care about anything. But trust me. Whether or not you realize it, you do. And you will.

[MarlboroChick]

Originally Posted by spondiferous

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, Marlboro.
I'm not really sure what you want, though. There are no easy answers in life, ever. But do you want to be sick, or do you want to be well? Being in recovery means having choices. Choices you don't have when you're ****ed up because you're not out chasing the dope all the time, because you're not a slave to getting and using and finding ways and means to get more, and then dealing with the side effects. My life sucked when I first got clean. Parts of it still suck and I turned 7 years yesterday, clean and sober. You know why? Because I was ****ed up for 23 years and I'm only 34 and I pissed my entire life away, and now I'm dealing with the consequences. There are also consequences to deciding you don't want to deal with the consequences: jails, institutions, death, complete insanity, physical deterioration, absolute misery, lack of choice.
It sometimes takes people many, many tries to kick it for good. There is usually no such thing as 'just stopping' although it does work for some. Some people wake up and have truly had enough of living in utter depravity and something in them just turns over. They call it surrender. They just can't do it anymore. But I know women who are in their 40s and 50s who've been in rehab 20 times or more and they're still completely ****ed.
It really depends on what you want. Life, or no life? When it comes to addiction there are only two options.
There are people here, now, willing to help you. There are people pretty much all over the world who are ready and willing to help you. When you're ready, they'll still be there. And I'm not a religious person, but I pray you will be. Sooner rather than later. It's a downward spiral and a one-way street.
I'm sorry about all the **** going on with your mom and dad. I'm even more sorry that there's yet another person - you - out there in the world who's been a victim of abuse, addiction, and a system that more or less doesn't give a ****, someone who's experienced living on the street at a very young age and so much other stuff that really no human being should be subjected to ever. I don't blame you for thinking you don't care about anything. But trust me. Whether or not you realize it, you do. And you will.

Its fine, im not asking for sympathy. The consequences for using h seem better then those for getting sober to me. If people in their 40s and 50s cant kick the habit there doesnt even seem to be a point in trying.
Religion? Why? My parents are religious. I used to be and cant be anymore.

[Cherry73]

Also keep in mind just because some haven't been able to kick a lot have. I went to rehab a totally of seven times before I became clean. That included all 30 day or more inpatient rehabs until finally I went 800 miles away into a six month long program that finally made the difference. My mother helped me get disability due to other health problems I had but because of all the other stuff I was doing to myself she made sure I had to have a payee which means I did not get my disability checks at that time she did. I had no control over my money whatsoever and at the time I couldn't have been more pissed about it but I see now that was the best thing for me at the time. When you are in the throws of addiction you do not see things clearly or make the best decisions because you are not biological capable because of the substances you are putting in your body that are altering your brain chemistry among many other things. You are right it is your body and your choice but whether it not you chose to believe your decision do not just affect you but others in your life. I am in no way telling what to do just giving you some things to consider.

[goodgirl62]

Heroin is a killer. I have seen it kill four young adults in my community, including my 23 year old son, since January 2013 (mid to upper class suburb). Please, please stop now. You have to find the strength to stop. I will be praying for you.