does this often happen?

It's like it took me a whole lifetime to mature to the point where I can pursue a larger goal. That would be a professional musician. Up to now I only dabbled in piano and guitar and compositon. Drunk everyday and using rec drugs for forty years, and with recurrant depression now that's all done, you can't do much with only a couple hours productive time each day. I just got tired of it and quit-no will power thing, just quit in a couple days. I have not the slightest urge to drink. I lacked the social confidence to do much with any goal pursuing. Where many a high achiever started out as a teenager or even younger I'm at the other end of it. Of course I can still enjoy what I can achieve but it almost seems like a joke that I'm starting at the end of my life and I do get quite disappointed at times. It's like an autistic person snapping out of that state one day and being normal, or someone coming out of a coma or amnesia. My appearance is even that of a young person-but now full of wrinkles. LOL! This change has come over me in just a few months. Is this a common thing in personality development or am I a rare case? My best guess is that my new self is the result of getting off alcohol. But still there was something about me as a young person that caused all this. Does anybody have any comment or a name for this condition? I guess it is what it is but I'm puzzled. Alcoholism and a neurotic withdrawn personality that finally gave way to outgrowing it all?

I totally understand where you are coming from. I feel like I am a young person in an old persons body sometimes. All the wasted young years which I don't understand what went wrong and have given up trying to figure out. I just have to make the best of what I have left. Some of us are just late bloomers....real late! lol! I am thankful that I do have a chance to maybe still make a difference and do something good or meaningful with my life. Lots of my friends didn't get that chance. I say....just go for it!

Thanks so much for your words! It helps to know there's others like me. I think I understand that when I'm feeling discouraged it's because I have accepted an idea about my self my condition that is not logical or rational. Things like 'I'm too old and I'm making a fool of myself.' Then I look at all the old guys still working and playing. I think there is a right way of thinking about life where my goals are legimate and possible. Within that framework of thought I get the go-ahead, that I can still be a player. And with that kind of motivation I probably would have the ability to reach my goal. It's the faulty thinking you have to watch out for.

Hi Kreg,

In AA they say that addicts stop maturing when their addiction begins. So, I've used for 30 years and that makes me have the maturity of a 12 year old. I never learned how to see things through or deal with emotions. My addiction let me numb the pain, and I didn't build tools or a so called blueprint for life on lifes terms. I think it will take me many years to undo the addictive coping, but I choose not to let my past define who I am. I like to think of the Phoenix out of the ashes, and feel lucky that I didn't die, go to prison, or kill anyone driving.

Peace,

TnT

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Erma Bombeck