I am a substance abuser. Any and every substance that can get you intoxicated. Alcohol is my main vice. Alcohol opens up a world of evil for me. Once I drink, there is no going back. After drinking I make the worst decisions ever that make me hate myself and have caused problems in my family and life. I have been arrested for things I have done while under the influence. Probation and community service. Violence. Adultery. Cussing (I never cuss sober). I am a complete different person while intoxicated. I am a fiend. I have done drugs and drank since I was 11. I remember that first time I thought "I want to feel like this all the time!"

So I did. Every drug. It was like a notch on my belt. Once I started experimenting with drugs I found cocaine to be my favourite and by 15 I was an addict. 15-18 I did coke, extacy, meth, marijuana daily, embalming fluid, crack, (have I forgotton somebody? perhaps). Then I got married to a very stable man and my life changed. He does smoke weed but not constantly. When I had our first child, I quit everything for 4 years with the occasional slip up but I thought I was really free and it was all behind me.

After our second child, I was now 21 suddenly and no longer pregnant. It was hard! I started drinking beer which had never been my forte. It stuck because I rationalized that it was legal and it seemed way better than what I used to do (I told myself) Day by day the stronghold grew until it led to me smoking weed again. Within 2 years I was hitting the bottle every single night after work. I found myself looking forward to it all day (while doing chores or working I would think, after I get my chores done I can drink!) Problems appeared quickly in my marriage and personal life. I just did not know how to get away from it.

I had an awakening in January 2009 and I quit all substances, including cigarettes which was amazing for me. I was leaning on spirituality and it helped immensely. I thought I was permanently and miraculously cured! Suddenly, my brother (best friend, soul mate, twin flame) committed suicide in the middle of February 2009. I stayed sober for 3 more months and didn't even smoke one cigarette. Then like the leaning tower of Piza, I fell and haven't been the same since.

I have spiraled so out of control that I sometimes contemplate suicide because the situation feels so hopeless. The longest I have been able to be completely sober since then has been pathetic compared to my previous accomplishments. I have committed adultery twice which I feel like I can not live with on my conscious although my husband and I have worked through it. I have crashed 2 vehicles. Went to jail twice. Spent so much money. Fell down and crashed our glass coffee table (2 times, 2 different tables). Blood everywhere. I have almost cut 2 of my fingers off on separate occasions from deciding to cook gormet meals while drunk. I am killing myself.

There it escalated to drugs again. Alcohol brought me back full circle. We meet again.

I started smoking weed immediately when I began drinking after my brother's surprise exit from this planet. From there, I developed a need to always be high even if it wasn't from "real drugs". Since I was now a married mother of 2, I no longer was in 'the life' etc. and had no hookups whatsoever so if my husband didn't give it to me, I didn't get it. So I turned to walmart.

I bought otc sleeping pills and started taking ten at a time, up to 60 pills of 50 mg. diphehydramimine. This turns me into a complete lunatic. I say things that make no sense whatsoever, stay up for days (it has the opposite effect of drowsiness at that level of dosage) fall down all over the place, hallucinations. Psychosis, hello.

Then my youngest sister told me about "Air Duster". I scoffed. WTF? Stupid! What idiot would do that?

This one.

Crashed 2 cars. The immediate escape was irresistible. The availability was 24 hours a day. The cost was so affordable, a caveman could do it. The perfect storm. I killed my brain with this stuff and I rue the day I heard about it.

Fast forward a move and a new baby. Drinking is still holding me. I get into online prescription buying. A whole new world! Phentermine? Sure! 20 a day, drink myself to sleep. Pretty soon phentermine is just child's play by now.

What's this? Provigil? It is given to astronauts and military officials to help them stay awake for extended periods. I'll become a white-collar drug user, finally. I am superwoman!

Drives me insane and I become detached from the real world. Mission accomplished. I do not set foot off my front step for 3 months straight. But at least the house is clean. Pay me.

Severe depression, psychosis. My mom decides to shatter me one last time. I'm over the edge. More drinking. More drugs. I go to court for my violence while under the influence of ativan, xanax and valium, and I meet a young drug dealer with extacy. Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again.

I become suicidal and attempt. I can't live this life no more! Psych ward, committed. Get on some anti-depressants and klonopin to wean me off the other crap. I know I have to change or die.

Drinking in the morning. Drinking in the evening. Drinking at supper time. Then fake weed comes along and I'm in love with someone all over again. What a great idea, Legal weed! Available all the live long day. My pipe is a permanent fixture in my hand and in my pocket. Most certainly my empty soul.

One drug to another. Musical chairs. Here am I, what a shame. Is there a point of no return? Today is day 4 total sobriety. I am taking St. John's wort. A jack of all trades. One day at a time.

[RunningEagleRuns]

Good luck, friend.

Thank you Running Eagle. That's funny, that's the name of the street I have lived on for the last three years lol.

[Tist1975]

That long history. Wow.

Wish you all the best. One day at a time, that can work. Thinking of things with a long-term outlook can be quite intimidating to say the least.

One day at a time.

[Sabrina]

I don't know what to say but wanted you to know that I have read your post and feel for you. I hope you can get the help you need.