Confessions

I posted earlier in the new member group, I didn't feel comfortable airing all this in a non addiction forum. OK deep breath here we go. I am an alcoholic, I know this because I chose to drink when ever I have the opportunity. I drink first thing in the morning when my wife and kids are gone. Or at night when I am waiting for my wife to get home. It used to be taboo for me to engage in this behavior when the kids are home. But that has gone by the way side in recent weeks. I was extremely verbally abusive to my wife the other night, happens to be the same night I blatantly called in sick, sounding drunk. I also am addicted to synthetic pot, and I use both of these substances to fuel my number addiction., Internet porn. Ugh....but despite it all I'm a good person and people tend to think I'm squeaky clean and likeable. I just have become this mess of addictions that all feed off of each other.

Hello, WCT74. What do you plan to do about these problems, if anything?

Do you have an honest desire to be free of these addiction?

I think of course you are a good person. I believe all of us at our core are good people. We are not our addictions or behaviours. However our addictions and behaviours can have a profound impact on our lives and others. Mainly your wife and kids.

And define synthetic pot. That sound dangerous to me. Much more so than real pot.

you should try AA, it's not for everyone but it is a really good program..give you some support..sounds like you are entering the danger zone.

this is going to get out of hand and i sense you are reaching out for help before it does.

seriously go for it, sit in on a few DIFFERENT meetings so you can find one you feel comfortable with.

After my wife came home and went into the bedroom after work, after a few hours I went in to see why. Thats when she told me how i behaved the night before. I was sickened, disgusted and never so sad for her. So my desire to change is strong. Im not sure if im ready to say these things in public, especially in the city i live in. My plan for right now is hope that my being tired of living like this and immerse myself in this place and community. I know there are going to be times when Im really going to need this place and the people on it, I hope thats ok. I want to be well, I want to feel good about the things I do, and not live in guilt and self deprecation. Time is also a factor, I not only work full time but I go to college full time as well, so if i can avoid the meetings the better.

They are anonymous and people in there should respect that. The hardest part is the shame and the swallowing of pride. Only you can figure out if you can stop on your own. If you can't it will continue to do more damage. I don't think getting help will cause public damage in this day and age.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I have had a few instances that could be considered a wake up call, but the hurt I put on her. I have to change, but the full extent of my problem, I'm keep that tucked away for the foreseeable future. I do think I can between accountability with her, support from this place and my desire to get better hopefully will be enough.

Perhaps progress through meetings could allow much more productive use of the rest of the day.

So, since you bring it up WCT74, what is this "full extent of the problem" and what purpose do you feel it serves to "keep it tucked away for the foreseeable future"? I feel like very politely suggesting that there may be a large load of denial being hauled along this path you're following, WCT74. (Believe me, I know ALL about denial. I'm a world class denier!)

You start out this post by writing about how you're drinking in the morning & drinking in the evening. And you hurt your wife SO badly. And then you just mention in passing there's a load of other stuff you're keeping tucked away for the foreseeable future. But now you write that it can all just be taken care of through accountability with your wife, support from "this place" (PC?), & your desire to get better. Well, I certainly hope that's true. But I would have to say, in all honesty, for me there seems to be something of a disconnect between what you wrote at the beginning of this Thread & what you wrote just prior to mine.

You mentioned that you are in college. Are there student counseling services you might take advantage of at least initially as a way of at least getting some individual counseling or therapy? My impression is that there's a need for more here than just accountability to your wife, PC, & your personal desire. My best wishes to you...

welcome to PC, i hope you find the community here helpful!

have you considered that maybe you engage in these activities due to underlying issues that have just been ignored and covered up for so long?

i know my fight with addictions has been due to my life long struggle to cope with my mental illness

you most definitely have the power to take control over these addictions and kick them to the curb, it takes time though and professional help is priceless... don't feel ashamed to ask for help, asking for help takes a ton of courage and shows that you realize there is a problem and want to fix it!
i would think about talking with a therapist/counselor about your concerns, they can be super helpful and give great insights

best wishes

Just for clarification, i didnt say I hurt her SO badly, and that Im hiding a load of stuff. If your remove the embellishment the post does make more sense. Im just hoping that with the talk we had, and the desire for both of us to make certain changes in our lives, makes doing a tell all unnecassary as long as I can do this in the manner I belive can work, because as they say if there is a will there is away. I hope this clears some of this up, but thank you for taking time to care to respond,its this open and frank talk is why i have come here. And thank you for suggesting assistance through my school i hadnt thought of that.

Thank you elevated, I was diagnosed as bipolar in the middle of my senior year in high school. In there years that have passed, and there has been a lot, I think it might have been more along the lines of a nervous breakdown, but they do have to perform a blood test to diagnose it, who knows, i havent taken any medication for it in 20 years,i didnt like the way it made me feel.

I started having depression when I was 13. When I was 14 I started using drugs and alcohol. I am fortunate enough to have both alcoholism/ addictive personality genes and depression/ bi polar 2 genes.

I drank and used for 17 years. Most of those years I functioned quite well. I did still have some problems with depression but not so bad. I never missed work. Did very well at work. Got married, had a baby, and bought a house. The American dream was happening and we were doing good. The self medicating was working for a number of years.

Of course the drug and alcohol use made it all come crashing down. It didn't work anymore and was affecting every area of my life. So I went to treatment and AA and have been clean and sober the 19 years since then.

Here is the point of my story....My depression got much much worse after I got clean and sober. I sought help with meds and therapy at about the same time I went to drug rehab but it wasn't working so good yet. After a couple of years clean and sober I discovered I had all these co dependencies that I never knew I had. I had thought I am the alcoholic and my wife is the co dependent. So it turns out I was using drugs and alcohol to cope and deal with life and to cover all kinds of stuff up. I had to work very hard in AA and in therapy to unravel all of this and heal from it. I still suffer from depression all these 19 years later but it is deeply biological with me. I cannot go back to self medicating even though at one time it worked. it will not work any more and will ruin my life.

I tried many many times to quit under my own will power and with the help of my wife but I just absolutely could not do it. Only you can find out if your strategy will work or not.

I have never heard of a blood test for bi polar. I do not think one exists. They do blood test to rule out other possible physical problems. It is very strongly believed to have a genetic biological basis but there is no blood test to tell them.

You will only know if you have underlying problems if you stay clean and sober for a good period of time. I mean like over two years.

Thanks for the insight and advice. It is something to consider, and hopefully won't happen but it is good to be aware of the possibilities. As far as the blood test goes, I figured thats what it was since they kept sticking me over and over, but I suppose that could have been for many reasons. So how are things for you now.

synthetic marijuana is extremely dangerous. like really. it made me psychotic. i hope u are able to quit it.

I did throw out what I had the other day and honestly the only way I can find it is online, so I can't just go out and get it. So hope that helps.

can i join and tell mine too?

feel free to, its open

hmm ok...i feel so ashamed because i've been judged a lot for this...
but now and here i must say it...i'm addicted to a famous celebrity here for 4-5 years now
i'm not stalking him, never did and never will
but everyday i try to find new photos or any new information(articles videos,blogs etc)
sometimes i feel i'm longing for it like thirsty person for water
i don't occupy myself only with that all day long 24/7, but everything else i'm doing is reminds me of him and i get back to same place
it's got worse when 2-3 years ago i heard he's in relationship and in that moment-i feel it like it was only yesterday...i felt like he ripped off my heart, then smashed it to pieces and put it back
the worst thing is that i still feel it today and still have feelings(and i feel so stupid that)...
every time i see him in new photos or short videos in his twitter or his instagram,
and he smiling and happy it makes me cry because it is someone else who makes him feel like that and not i
i tried so many times to get over him but nothing helped until now,
i believe it's because like with anything else in my life, and in this case too - i just feel i'm totally devoted to this like with everything else in my life
i'm acting mostly from and with my emotions and it's so hard for me to think logically about this...

What about him makes you so attached to him?