[newguy6152]

I just need to get everything out rather than keep pretending I’m okay. I don’t even know how to start. I’m a 22 year old male in the depths of an addiction to crystal meth despite a handful of shallow attempts at sobriety through outpatient services. I’ve consistently used some substance or another whenever I had the opportunity since I was 16. Tried just about everything there was until I found meth, the only drug out there that makes you keep coming back for more even though you are hyper-aware that it is crushing your soul each and every time. I think that was just the tipping point, I think there’s some serious mental health issues that I need to seek treatment for so I’ll try to start at the beginning. I apologize to the moderator in advance if it’s rambling or anything violates the guidelines, I’ve been up for a few days and am exhausted beyond belief. I am genuinely seeking help here, in the immediate future I just need to know where to start looking, as I don’t even know who i would go to first with all of this. Please refrain from vocalizing any judgement, rest assured that I genuinely hate the person I’ve become and don’t need more reminders, just looking for a safe place to get some advice.

I think I stopped caring about life a long time ago, about myself. I grew up in a house with teen parents, one of whom was an emotionally abusive alcoholic, constant family chaos. I moved around a lot, never had friends for very long, and was always kind of the weird kid who’d rather lose himself in Harry Potter or other fatasy novels than deal with real life. I still don’t really know who I am. In middle school I started smoking cigarettes and stopped doing my schoolwork, I just didn’t care. I’d rather play video games or watch porn or hang out with the girl I liked or whatever. I moved to my high school 2 days before school started and knew nobody. I spent the first 3 lunches eating in the bathroom before I eventually found my group. When I first tried pot, it was all I wanted to do, then gradually tried other drugs, didn’t care about the consequences. I Was constantly in trouble at home for it, suspended at school, went from being the A student in middle school to the guy who just wouldn’t do homework, but easily grasped the material to slide by with C’s and D’s until the drug use got worse. Was still just party drugs, but I stole to fund my habits and make people like me for being the guy who’d share. See, I’m awkward with strangers, it’s just not my forte. I had a handful or girlfriends but it was mainly because I would lie to people I met to make myself seem interesting, making up wild stories or tragedies to get an emotional connection. I got arrested several times, eventually went to a military school for 6 months and got my act together enough to graduate. I could have turned my life around right then but instead of doing so I made up a completely false SPEECH that I gave to hundreds at the graduation ceremony that my downward spiral was because I’d started meth and the breaking point was with watching my friend die to a meth overdose.

I hadn’t even tried meth yet, but now I had that as my story and I had to stick to it, I don’t know what I was thinking. I took several college classes and halfway through stopped doing the work, making up reasons for the professor like death in the family or a pregnant girlfriend who even had a miscarriage to get away with not doing work. I even did ROTC but gave that up as well. I was smoking weed all day every day, occasionally party drugs just working part time playing video games and being a loser. When I was 17, I met Her. I was a guy of low confidence and she came onto me my last day on the job. That was unprecedented in the first place and being someone with romantic aspirations I thought it was fate. We talked nonstop playing the question game, eventually she came across the same speech I gave about my past and we grew closer. We were both still virgins, but when she asked if I was, I said no. Instead I told her that I’d slept with 3 girls before her, one of whom was actually my addict girlfriend who not only died in my arms but was also carrying my unborn child at the tender age of us both being 14. She asked if I had other stories like that, I think I came up with maybe 7 or 8 tragedies that I witnessed firsthand that I was able to overcome to get clean, since I lied about my current drug habits at the time as well.

I finally felt wanted and didn’t want her to ever think I wasn’t worthy of her attention, but looking back at the time I think I just really wanted to finally have sex. So I showered her with affection and did whatever I had to to make her happy, and the time came very soon where she thought I was so wonderful that we did. It was both our firsts, it could have been at least a little special for both of us as cheesy as it sounds. Instead it was just hormones on overdrive, rushed and spontaneous without protection. It was our first times, I think after 10 seconds I said “sorry, it’s been a while.” after failing to pull out, but failed to do so for the next few months as well. I’m attempting to avoid being vulgar, I’m trying to get the point across that I just act without thinking of the consequences for myself or others. We were careless in that regard for 5 years so we’re either extremely lucky or I’m sterile from drug use. Finally having a ‘sexual awakening’ had me start thinking more about some experiences I had when I was younger, such as ‘experimenting’ with my male best friend when I was little and making out with my girl cousin until we learned it was the wrong thing to do. Even though me and the girlfriend were together often I began to want to explore more as well, but discreetly so I wouldn’t blow it. I came across the Casual encounters section of craigslist and started experimenting with random guys whenever I could. I’ve only ever felt emotional connection to women but I’m like physically ambivalent, attractive is attractive, I still don’t know my orientation. Eventually one of them asked if I wanted to try the drug I’d been lying about being addicted to for so long and I did and that’s when everything got worse.

I tripped this girl into falling in love with someone I wasn’t because I felt inferior, and I actually fell for her. It was doomed from the start but at the time she was a sweet innocent girl who wanted to save the seemingly broken guy I was. As time passed she started to see the guy I really was, lie after lie was found out, she knew I was doing drugs behind her back but never suspected meth. About 3 years in I got sober for a while and finally came completely clean to her ALL the lies I’d told, that she deserved the truth and I didn’t expect anything from her. She was in shock, needed to think but still stayed together(she’s a classic enabler type). At the time we were long-distance, the honesty started to bring us closer together even after everything and I was going to be moving back towards her area soon. Before I did she confessed that right before I came clean she cheated on me. I deserved it, and I knew that, and I told her that. But it crushed me. had an overwhelming need to get her approval as the real me so I brushed it under the rug, we moved in together and I did my absolute best to be the good guy for her. I realize in hindsight I’d built a life with her for 3 years and changed it in a single evening there was nothing to be done. But neither of us would walk away, but with 0 trust left in the relationship we’ve only spent the last two years systematically breaking each other’s hearts into a million pieces. We’d get jealous, vindictive, use each others insecurities to hurt each other and then make up a few days later because we were 1 of a pair for so long. Eventually I relapsed about a year and a half ago and have used meth heavily ever since, the toxic retaliations against each other got even worse, unforgivable on both sides(nothing physical or illegal ever took place towards the other) and we eventually broke up. She’s since dated other people, but even after everything we still occasionally get together and make stupid decisions, I hide my drug use most of the time fairly well.

I am no longer in control of my own life. I go days without sleep or anything the body needs to be healthy and I am living a life that has become watching myself die and not giving a **** about it. I simply ignored tickets I got until it got to the point I had to do jail-time and work off the fines to get my license back. I have taken nearly 3 years of college classes that I simply give up on halfway through. My thoughts and sex drive have become depraved, I find myself being aroused by things that I know are wrong and I know I would NEVER act on like incest, animals, things that with a clear head make me want to vomit. To this day I have had sex with one girl, but I couldn’t even guess to how many random men I’ve met up with just to get off. Yet I don’t ever see myself actually dating a man and having any connection on an emotional level, it’s just the sex I enjoy. I literally have no friends aside from the girl who should hate my guts and have become so isolated from and withdrawn I am terrified of meeting new people. Who on Earth could actually want to spend time with me, what would I even talk about. I don’t take care of myself at all. So I sit at home and play video games, go to work. Rinse and repeat.

For about a year now, I’ve planned and saved for a 3 month backpacking trip through Asia, travel has been the only thing I’ve ever genuinely had a passion to want to do so I thought maybe this could be the kickstart I need to give myself motivation to care about life again and find out who I actually am, get time away from dealers and the ex and just live life. I am set to leave in 2 weeks with everything done and planned for. The past year or so I’ve been genuinely trying to be a better person. I have cut back my use to relapsing every few weeks rather than binge/repeat/binge/repeat, even scraped 3 months together. But I end up still not caring, I have no purpose or idea of what I want to do in life, nothing that gives me passion except for the idea of travel. So my addict brain reminds me meth feels good. I am genuinely not worried about using drugs while I’m traveling, but if I’m being honest I’m worried about what happens when I get back and have to re-join the world working days again since I quit my night shift before leaving. Will I find what I’m looking for on my soul searching journey and work towards getting to a healthy enough place to travel more? I want to see the world, but is it even going to be beneficial in the long run or is it psychosis kicking in making me believe it’s what’s best for me? Should I get back my deposits, use my funds to enter residential treatment instead? It literally crushes my dreams to even type that aloud, as it’s been the only thing keeping me sane the past year but I don’t know what to do anymore and I don’t trust myself. I’ve tried intensive outpatient, I’ve tried substance abuse counseling, I’ve tried Prozac, I’ve tried NA. I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe in a higher power, I don’t think there is some grand design guiding everything. I wish I did, I tried really hard for years to connect with something spiritual beyond my own understanding but couldn’t. I’d never contemplate suicide whatsoever, but I am really struggling to find enough reasons to live and climb out of the hole I’ve dug. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sorry for the essay, I doubt anyone even got this far, I'm just lost and needed to get it all out...

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central (PC). Sorry to hear you are suffering from different situations. You don't have to believe in anything to take care of yourself. Have you considered a detox center that will guide you away from self medicating toward a more stable life.

Many people here will help you find the resources you are looking for especially the Community Liasons like myself. There are many caring people here at PC

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