[RisuNeko]

I always knew I had an addictive personality, but today was the first time someone (my psychiatrist) told me to my face that I'm an addict.

My drug of choice is well...a bunch of things over the years. In college is was any drug I could get my hands on (ecstasy, benzos, opiates, amphetamines, I don't think you can really be addicted to hallucinogens, but I did them a fair amount), also cigarettes, alcohol, caffeine, and kratom. I haven't done the hard drugs in years, but the drinking got pretty bad. Not horrible I guess, but I would drink a 12 pack a day and not even feel buzzed. When I made the horrible choice of picking up some whiskey I would black out and fall and hit my head and whatnot. And I did a lot of driving while most likely over the legal limit. It just became normal. And when I didn't have alcohol I wanted it, bad. I quit for a month before going on a trip to california to visit my brother and then I slipped up pretty bad. I drank 5 or 6 bottles of hard liquor on my own, all by myself, in secret. Nothing bad really happened, I just made an *** out of myself a couple of times. When it got bad is when I stopped cold turkey when I got home. I didn't really eat while I was in california (I lost 9 lbs in a week, oh, and I apparently have an eating disorder, just found that out today too) and I ended up with Wenike's Encephalopathy, but I didn't know what it was at the time, all I knew was that my vision was shaking out of control and I had zero coordination in my legs. Apparently you can go into a coma and die from wernike's encephalopathy if you don't get thiamine (a B vitamin) fast. Luckily I had a strange instict to take my vitamins and cook a bunch of eggs (which are super thiamine rich). That pretty much cured me. I probably should have gone to the hospital, but like a proper addict, I hid myself away so nobody could see what I was up to.

Anyway, fast forward to today, (I slipped up on New Years eve too, blacked out, fell a bunch of times at a party, drove home while blacked out without my glasses. Bad times.) and my psychiatrist tells me that not only do I have bipolar (I've known that for years, that's not news), but I have addiction complicating everything and making my anxiety disorder and my depression, and my manias worse. Right now I'm in anxious/depressed mode. And yeah, not drinking is hard. Every time I see someone drink on tv, or drive by a store that has alcohol, or see my dad drinking, I just WANT it so bad. I imagine in my mind that it would take away the pain and make me feel good again. But I know that's not how it works. And I want so badly to stay sober. I don't really know how to do it. I've never had any lasting success. So I guess if anyone has any advice I'm a total n00b.

I'm also hooked on kratom, which is kind of opiodish. I spend way too much money on it, and I rely on it to get through my work shifts, and just in general to get through the day. It's gotten worse since I gave up the alcohol.

And apparently I have an eating disorder (which is news as of today) which I guess involves addictive behavior. I'm addicted to either starving myself, bingeing, or bingeing and purgine. I have phases. Right now I'm in a starve myself until the middle of the night and then binge phase.

My psychiatrist prescribed me vyvanse for the eating disorder and the addictive behavior. I hope it works. Has anyone been prescribed that? Apparently it was just recently approved to treat binge eating disorder so that's what he's telling the insurance I have. I think EDNOS fits me better, but he hadn't even heard of EDNOS until I explained to him what it is today (he's kind of an idiot).

This post is really rambly and I don't know if even said what I wanted to say. Basically him telling me to my face that I'm an addict hit me pretty hard. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I hate myself for doing what I do, and for doing what I've done. And I hate that I hate myself. It's one of those depression spirals of doom. If anyone has any advice on how to proceed and get through this thick oozy mess, that would be much appreciated.

[Moogieotter]

Hey Risu,

Welcome back to the addictions forum! I'll reply more later.

moogs

[Quarter life]

Dear RisuNeko.

Ilicicit drug dependency unless addressed rarely ends well. But anything worth doing is hard....this includes kicking any destructive dependancy, be it alcohol, illicit drugs and even people.

There has to be an end objective with you I think...which means replacing the addictive destructive behaviour with something positive, something worth striving for, something that will enrich your life.

Now for the stuff that may be hard for you to hear....The fact that you drive a motor vehicle whilst under the influence is extremely disturbing to me...not only with regard to your safety, but the safety of others who you put in grave danger with your reckless behaviour. Time to grow up & wake up RisuNeko...your conscience and self esteem should demand this.

[RisuNeko]

I don't think anyone can make me feel more guilt than myself for all of the drunk driving I've done. But thanks for the reminder. Very helpful. You think I don't know that I could have died or killed someone? It eats me up inside and makes me hate myself. Which is just great, because I already spend 95% of my time hating myself because I'm bipolar and depressed right now. Maybe that's stuff that may be hard for you to hear....

I don't know what to replace drinking with though...besides drinking water. That's what I've been doing. Drinking soooo much water. I think you're getting at something more meaningful though. I don't know what that is for me yet.

(Sorry, I'm irritable, this post came out mean. I didn't mean for it to. Hard not to be mean when you feel nothing but hatred and self loathing in your heart.)

[Quarter life]

What was hard for me to hear...was that my two 19 year old dear friends had been killed instantly by the reckless behaviour of a selfish drunk driver...and that another passenger with a bright hopeful future was left with horiffic brain damage, to spend the rest of his life dependent on others for everything...Imagine just how much more depressed you will feel if you kill or injure another person? My above response to your thread was meant to sound harsh..it is meant to stress to you that life can have great 'Value'...especially to those who have had it taken away. Mental illness causes us all anguish....but it isnt an excuse to be flippant with the safety of others.

Hopefully, with your newfound awareness, you will begin
finding healthier ways to cope and deal ...

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[RisuNeko]

Thanks. I'm glad there's at least one person on here who has something encouraging to say.

...a few years ago this place seemed a lot more encouraging and not so negative. We're all in the same boat here. Isn't that kind of the point of this whole place? Empathy, understanding, self-awareness, kindness? Not guilting each other, or telling each other how wrong what we're doing/have done is. I'm pretty sure most of us have bad enough self esteem to already know how wrong what we're doing/have done is. Just my two cents.

[Moogieotter]

Hey Risu,

I am here for support. I tried many things to get sober and have a few years under my belt now. Do you have a plan? 12-step meetings are the free classic method of recovery - what are you thinking?

PM me if you need.

moogs

[Quarter life]

Dear RisuNeko.

I apologize if what I said came accross as less than encouraging. My point seems to have been missed by you. As I said before..'Change takes a lot of will and hard work'...nothing worthwhile is easy. Making a conscious decision to honour your own life, by taking steps to modify behaviour sometimes takes multiple attempts, but finding keys that will help us modify destructive behaviour can often be found in the most unlikely places. However , I do hope that you take my harsh words to heart, that you can find a path out of your self loathing and start to take steps to honour yourself. Lip service and platitudes feel good in 'The moment' but do little to galvanise positive change.

I wish you only the best for your endeavours RisuNeko...be kind to yourself.

RisuNeko, It is difficult to be told you are an addict. I was a user in high school and a bad one at that. So they got on my case so bad i switched from drugs to alcohol cause it was a legal and more respectable drug. And i did drive drunk like you many times, too numerous to count. It is only by the grace of God that i did not hurt myself or others while DUI. You cannot risk that, for once you take a life you can never give it back. My GrandFather killed someone, a woman and a child with his old Model T Ford back in the day 1930s. He gave up his license and continued to drink until one day he was in a diabetic coma. He almost died. Is it worth it? No. But, only you can learn the lesson, the easy way or the hard way. The choice is yours how you deal with your addictions. tc

[yagr]

Originally Posted by RisuNeko

My drug of choice is well...a bunch of things over the years.

My drug of choice was 'more' - I get it.

Originally Posted by RisuNeko

... And yeah, not drinking is hard. Every time I see someone drink on tv, or drive by a store that has alcohol, or see my dad drinking, I just WANT it so bad.

Imagine that, an addict wanting a drug. If you stay clean and sober, this will pass.

Originally Posted by RisuNeko

I imagine in my mind that it would take away the pain and make me feel good again. But I know that's not how it works. And I want so badly to stay sober. I don't really know how to do it. I've never had any lasting success. So I guess if anyone has any advice I'm a total n00b.

Well, I'm probably going to get cyber-crucified for saying this but what the heck... Getting drunk will take the pain away and it will probably even give you that feeling that you are calling 'good'. But it'll pass. You'll wake up the next morning sober and feel worse than you did before you took that first drink. So my advice, don't take the first one.

Originally Posted by RisuNeko

I'm also hooked on kratom, which is kind of opiodish. I spend way too much money on it, and I rely on it to get through my work shifts, and just in general to get through the day. It's gotten worse since I gave up the alcohol.

I've found that it really didn't matter what the drug was for me - just kept drinking, smoking, snorting, injecting till I felt normal again.

Originally Posted by RisuNeko

My psychiatrist prescribed me vyvanse for the eating disorder and the addictive behavior. I hope it works. Has anyone been prescribed that?

Not I - can't help there.

Originally Posted by RisuNeko

Basically him telling me to my face that I'm an addict hit me pretty hard. I'm scared.

Cool. You have a disease that can kill you, make no mistake about it, and fear is the second best motivator humans have - let it help.

Originally Posted by RisuNeko

I don't know what to do.

Don't pick up. That's what you do. Post here. Call a crisis line. Get to a self help meeting. Call a friend. Check yourself in to the hospital. What's that? Can't do that because you have a job and you'll lose your job? Repeat: You have a disease that can kill you. Jails, institutions or death - that's what you're facing if you are an addict and you keep using. Screw the job - this is your life. If you have to do something drastic to not pick up, do it.

I kicked a $3000/day habit, died twice in the DT's. Addiction brought my wife to prison for twenty-four years. We're both clean today. If we can do it - so can you. We had to make it the number one priority in our lives - cause if we aren't clean we lose numbers two, three, four...

Originally Posted by RisuNeko

I hate myself for doing what I do, and for doing what I've done. And I hate that I hate myself. It's one of those depression spirals of doom. If anyone has any advice on how to proceed and get through this thick oozy mess, that would be much appreciated.

Hate the addiction - not the addict. You wouldn't hate a friend with Alzheimers who didn't recognize you would you? It's a disease, you got it - but it isn't who you are.

[RisuNeko]

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I will take them to heart. Thanks for being frank and honest with me and for the encouragement. That's exactly what I need right now.

Does anyone have experience with Naltrexone? I just got prescribed that, and I know I can't take it until I quit the Kratom or I'll have extremely awful insta-withdrawals and feel like death, and I don't want that. So I need to quit the Kratom on my own, wait two weeks, and then start taking it. It should help with the cravings for alcohol and kratom. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

[RisuNeko]

Moogieotter:

I don't have a plan yet. I might attend a group, but I'm not really down with 12 step, because I am a hard core atheist and can't buy into the greater-power stuff. I know the end goal is more important and all that, but I just can't force myself to do something I don't believe in.

I'll see my therapist in a couple of weeks and I'll try to get a plan together with him. Therapy and psychiatry will be two parts of the puzzle. I don't know what else at this point.

[Moogieotter]

Cool. I admire you for trying to get to a better place by considering sobriety and recovery. Yagr obviously shared a great deal of wisdom.

I do not have any experience with Vyvanse or Naltrexone. Good luck, and please keep us posted or let me know if I can help. Thanks,

moogs

[yagr]

Originally Posted by RisuNeko

I don't have a plan yet. I might attend a group, but I'm not really down with 12 step, because I am a hard core atheist and can't buy into the greater-power stuff. I know the end goal is more important and all that, but I just can't force myself to do something I don't believe in.

Just wanted to add, I too am an atheist. I was when I quit and I remain one now. Nevertheless, I attended 12-step meetings 'religiously' (pun intended), going to over one thousand in my first year clean. It wasn't the 'god talk' that kept me going back - it was in spite of the 'god talk'.

I would heartily recommend you don't do anything that you don't believe in - we've already sold ourselves out more times than we can count and the way to freedom is going to be through self-honesty. That doesn't work if you begin lying to yourself. Nevertheless, there are going to be some good people there who could care less what you believe or don't believe as long as they can help you not pick up.

Anywho, go or don't go - just wanted to point out that there can be benefits to going even for us hard core atheists. Too, I see you're in Portland. I don't live there but here's regular NA meetings that this atheist really likes at 17200 SE Stark at a place called the URS club. You'll find some of the best, most real people I've ever met in NA.

Regardless of what you decide moving forward, keep moving forward. *hugs*

[RisuNeko]

Thst's good to know. Thanks. I'm actually in the Eugene area now just haven't updated my location. Thank you for sharing though. I'll consider it.

[splitimage]

I took Naltrexone for a year and a half to help me kick an opiate addiction. It did nothing for me in terms of helping with alcohol cravings, but I know a lot of people who it really helps with alcohol cravings. I didn't have any side effects with the Naltrexone.

Hope it helps.

splitimage

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Just like you, I've driven drunk many many times. How I'm alive or not in jail is beyond me! One time I woke up and went to look at my car to find that one side was smashed and the mirror was torn off and I had no memory of how it happened. And as far as others opinions, yell at me all you want but I already know it was a ****ed up thing to do. It was so stupid and I regret it so bad. At first I would binge drink like you. I'd pop anything anyone would give me. It wasn't until I became physically dependent that I got tired of it. I would wake up at 7am with withdrawal and had to wait until the liquor stores opened. I would hand them my money and shake so bad. People would stare and ask me if I was ok. I would say my blood sugar was low. My foot would shake so bad I could barely press the gas pedal of my car. I would come home and drink to fall asleep again. Wake up and go back to the store and do it all over again. I would have to keep finding new stores to go to to hide the embarrassment. It got old real fast. It wasn't even fun anymore being sick all day everyday. I was admitted to the hospital for severe withdrawal and given IVs and large amounts of Ativan to make me comfortable. Luckily I slept through the whole thing (thank you benzos!). I never went to rehab or meetings but I probably should have. I just could never get into or believe the "higher power" stuff. It just wasn't for me. I somehow managed to stay sober since then. This was back in May 2015.

As far as naltrexone or vivitrol (brand name) goes, it was a life saver. I got the long acting injections once a month and was sober for almost a year (back in 2009). Eventually the state stopped paying for it and I didn't have insurance and apparently it is/was a very expensive drug at the time so I stopped. I started drinking shortly after.

However... If any dr tries to put you on suboxone for opiate addiction, don't do it unless it's absolutely your last resort! I took it for the first time a few years ago for a buzz and today I am physically dependent on it. It doesn't even get me high anymore but if I don't have it I'll get extremely sick. Plus the half life is very long so when you do kick it, withdrawal symptoms could last up to three-five wks! This drug may have saved others from heroine addiction and other opiates but in the long run it does more harm than good (in my opinion at least!)

And the vyvanse... I already discussed this with you in another thread. I'm hooked to the feeling of uppers so yea, I abuse my script and would advise against it. I rather be binge eating than feeling the come down of phetamines.

I wish you the best of luck and keep trying that's all I can say. I've gotten sober, fell back down, got sick from withdrawal many of times. Just pick yourself up and never stop trying.