[mjrwraith]

Well I'm not proud of what I have done but the fact of the matter is I did it. It all started in February of this year. See I had been clean and sober for 6 years from alcohol. When on valentine's day my wife of 10 years came in after she had been at work and told me she was thinking about getting a divorce. I was sitting there, our kids were at school or daycare, dazed and confused. All I could say is "why". She told me she was tired of not being able to drink because I can't be around alcohol. I felt as if someone had pushes me off the tallest cliff at the grand Canyon. She told me she needed a few days to think. So for the next few days I did everything in my power to try and change her mind, and show her that she meant the world to me. We went to go look at a project vehicle for our eldest a first car and on the way she wanted to discuss everything. So we talked and she brought up issues and I would counter until the point I noticed she was getting mad, violently mad that I wasn't just agreeing. So I pleaded one last time, suggested marriage counseling, and she told me she would cosnider it if I could accept that she was going to go out with friends and drink. So I told her I didn't have an issue, except I knew she had very few friends. The ones she did have also didn't drink. So she informed me she was going out that weekend with a friend to go dancing and I asked her who this friend is. She I formed me it was her ex from high school who I had openly told her I didn't trust. I immediately told her there was no way I would allow that. So she told me she wanted a divorce then. So we separated that day and when I went the next day to get some things I saw his car I the driveway, mind you this was 8 am, I instantly became suspicious. I unlocked the front door with my house key and caught them in bed together. My heart sank my greatest fear was realized. She had been having an affair. So many things began to make sense from the past couple of years. Later from neighbors I learned that nights I worked graveyards he had been over all night long. So I said all that to explain why I started drinking again. It wasn't to mask the pain, or deal with the depression. At least I don't think it was. The idea I had was if I could show her that I can drink and not have a problem maybe we could work things out. Well not hard to fill in the blanks. She could've cared less and now I opened myself back up to this addiction once again. I'm just so disappointed with myself and ashamed.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by mjrwraith

The idea I had was if I could show her that I can drink and not have a problem...
I'm just so disappointed with myself and ashamed.

CloserToTheMid shared this earlier today in a thread related to another illness:

Break the stigma, friends. An illness is an illness no matter how you feel about the symptoms... [We] need help, not judgement.

After learning the facts about my alcoholism as an illness, the days of my feeling disappointed with myself or ashamed because of my drinking came to an end. I try to not presume to push new information at anyone, so please let me know if you would like to know why and how I can say that.

[Misssy2]

mj..I had been clean and sober for 8 years and drank when I left my lucrative career.
I think that some things are just so hard to bear...and I think our minds tell us...that we CAN drink since we didn't drink for so long that we will control it.

I mean really. I didn't drink for 8 years...so why couldn't I have a six pack that night and be done with it? I really believed that was possible.

Here I sit 3 years later..still fighting the demon of alcohol...I have been in the hospital so many times due to alcohol...drinking for days on end..not eating...not drinking fluids..comes to a point where I can barely walk...I call the ambulance...the hospital revives me and each time they tell me it is worse.

Last time my organs were all shutting down .

I'm sorry that your wife has moved on....I hope that you and I hope that I can get a grip again on this problem. I have found that I just don't have that desire that I had in 2005 to NEVER pick up a drink again.

Which means for me...I will die from drinking if I want to continue to test the waters.
Two weeks ago...I drank for 2 days in a row...it took 5 days for me to recover fully. And then just yesterday...I was thinking of drinking (just a few)..yea, right.

Its such a powerful condition. However, you do know that the reason your wife left was because she had some kind of unhappiness in herself...probably a midlife crisis that she blames her infidelity on the fact that you don't drink alcohol? That is just skirting around her real issues for wanting to have an affair.

Its more like she got bored with the same ole', same ole' that a long term relationship brings. That happens to me and I don't know why...but I can not blame my erratic behavior on other people...as she did.

I hope you are able to find the gift of sobriety again.

[emgreen]

I've been in & out of AA (& sobriety) since I was 20-years-old...I'm 55 now. I was sober 9 years once, & have been sober for 10 this time. There's a saying in AA you might be familar with: "Don't quit quitting." It must have been excruciating losing your marriage the way you did...Who knows? If I didn't have support & friends in the program I would have been pushed over the edge several times for **** happening. I'm sorry you lost your marriage in the manner you did, but you know there's a lot more to lose if you pick up drinking where you left off. Some people at AA announce their sobriety birthdays, but I NEVER do...I've been back out several times & know that it really is "One day at a time." Today's a new day...No need for shame.