Daily addictions check in #[two]

Good on you both, splits and bizi!

Well I did not make it thru the thanksgiving with out drinking...but did not get carried away either so that was good.
Ate too much though, am feeling quite full.
It was nice at our friends house but I have social anxiety issues and always drink when I am around other people, especially those I don't know.
bizi

I got to thinking about a holiday tradition we have - Martinelli's. It's sparkling apple cider or grape juice. We pop the corks and pour it in wine glasses and usually have a toast or two. I never really thought about it as fake drinking until today; I felt a little uneasy with my glass of bubbly. OTOH, it gives me an out that has meaning if one of the kids has an event where there is a champagne toast.

Guess who's fresh outta the psych ward. Yep. This girl. They referred me to our local rehab where they want me to do a 28 day program and have an outpatient addictions councilor, and I'm seeing my psychiatrist at the first of the week. I feel CONFUSED. But also kinda optimistic? And scared. And like I just wanna build a blanket fort and live there.

If you build your fort and spend the weekend there, I don't think anyone would blame you. You should be optimistic; you have been making good choices. Newfound clarity will cut through that confusion. There is still some heavy lifting to be done and it won't all be easy but I think you will succeed. You should take some pride in deciding to do this for yourself and following through.

I broke up with my girlfriend while I was in the hospital :/ I just called her and I was so ANGRY.

The days before I went into the hospital I was the angriest I have ever been. At everything. And everyone. And I was a total monster. I don't know where that came from. And now I am some freak that's laughing one minute and crying ten minutes later. I'm on a loopy Rollercoaster where things are finally starting to seem real and everything is hitting me in the face.Like I'm not the way I was Monday morning, screaming and crying that I was going to die this time, but I'm not me and I'm not 100% either. I'm some very confused person. I'm not healthy right now :/

I hope you start feeling healthier soon. It sounds like you really had a rough week. You will find yourself again. I have faith in you; you kept at it and didn't let your slips pull you back in because you are stronger than that. I hate that you have to weather this storm, but I think you are strong enough.

It's quiet around here right now. Not really, but no ones up. All the hums and ambient sounds of the house, the ringing that's always in my ears. I wish it all were quieter. I stay up late because there isn't any need to go to sleep. No one to hold me when I'm sleeping. He just lies there. So I stay upanf my mind runs. I slow it down sometimes with drinks. The last days/weeks, how long, it seems long Haven't been so good. Only a single drink tonight, if you don't count the couple during the day while decorating the house for Christmas. Honestly, such a stressful time when all is meant to be a bit more happy and simple. Anything but.

JessLynn,

It is totally normal to be overwhelmed and your emotions all over the place. You are making huge lifestyle changes and going into an unknown situation - rehab. But you are strong. You have shown that by quitting and you keep quitting after a relapse. That tells me you want to be clean.

I hope you will follow through with rehab. It could be the best gift you ever give yourself.

splitimage

I did :/ I really did lol... I tore the waiting room apart in the ER, tore up the seats, pulled my hair out, it was all over the floor lol... Luckily I have a lot of hair haha. For the first two days on the ward my family refused to talk to me. I went a little crazy over that. A lot. But by the third day my dad came to visit me and everyone sort of eased up a little bit and although they don't understand, they love me and they're willing to work with me as long as I don't **** it up again. They have no idea why I'm so scared that I can't mess up again.

Anyway, I guess I'm sorry for being so down all the time lately. :/ uUgh. Sorry. I'm gonna just smoke some yettis and listen to my favourite song, **** IT.

Oh, that's another thing. They want me to quit weed too. I seriously freaked the **** out. Am freaking the **** out. Weed is all I have left. Which sounds stupid but... It really helps. **** IT.

Thanks, I know you know this but the changes are really scary. Since I didn't do the detox program, I have to be clean for 30 days before entering the 28 day program. I'm on day 11 though. Not that it means anything because in this ****** town, the next program doesn't start til February :'D So.

Alone late at night is when I did a lot of my drinking. In the end, it was really one more stressor instead of eliminating the stress. I felt a little ragged the morning after and it really wasn't better to sit there drunk than to think things through with a clear head.

I am sorry life is getting you down right now.

I am glad your family came around; having support makes this a lot easier.

Don't apologize. As splits said, it's normal for your emotions will be all over the place.

I get why they want you to give up everything. I also get why you want something to settle your nerves and to ground you. Isn't weed on the way to being legal but not available legally yet? One concern they may have is that you would have to buy it from the same people who sell other drugs. Mostly I think they just don't want you to be dependent on any drug.

It's actually pretty normal for rehabs to want you to be free from all substances of abuse. Yes it's hard and it's scary, but worth it if you want a better life.

See if you can get your Dr. to give you a prescription for Gabapentin. It helps to reduce cravings for pot, and also has an anti-anxiety effect.

Stay strong.

splitimage

to tell ya the truth splitimage it doesn't reduce the cravings for pot...I been on it for 7 months and it hasn't done such a thing for me...in the reducing category. i used it for neurolyptic pain.

Pot isn't QUITE legal yet here, but it is well on it's way. People can get their medical licences though if they jump through some hoops ;3 So it's semi-legal. lol. Basically, it's legal for some people but the dispensaries are still getting raided lmao

I may talk to him about that when I see him on Wednesday. Thanks. If I have to give up pot I doubt I will keep it up long term, probably just long enough to get help with the other stuff :'3 Who knows, if I end up actually enjoying being pot-free, then I may keep it up?

I gave it up over 25 years ago partly because of the law here and partly due to circumstance. I still got high on rare occasions up until about age 30 because I had friends who still did and shared every now and then. I quit buying and told friends I would not be insulted if they quit offering. Then I moved halfway across the country and I didn't seek out people who got high or sold weed. A few years went by before I realized I don't smoke weed anymore. If you can make it that unimportant then I think the decision to stop or not is less of a concern. If it replaces meth as something you obsess about until you smoke again, it would be a problem IMO.

My now ex gf wants to hang out with me today. I told her no because it wasn't a good idea for us to hang out right now... So of course she asked why, and I told her we need distance from each other. I don't want to have this conversation with her again... I miss her and I love her but when it comes down to it she was toxic. I am just having such a hard time saying no to her and accepting my decision without feeling extremely guilty. :/

I don't think theres much of a rational reason for guilt in your situation, Jess. You're taking care of yourself right now, & have to continue taking care of yourself since the rehab wants you clean before they'll admit you. I think you're just making an investment in yourself. The relationship will wait...Keep up with the great efforts!

My family and treatment team stop making me feel guilty for using. I'm not using right now and have done well. But it's the only thing making me sober. Being guilty.

I don't want to be guilty.

I just want to be free..

I don't want to feel like I need to control things. Life is so wonderful without morals because my natural sense of morality is so good. To me.. Delusional I am..

But what can I do.. Nothing.. My thoughts being controlled by energy.

I'm very sick. But aren't we all? Why is there so many rules for things. I feel trapped.

I want to hear the music. I want to feel the energy. Life is just rain. And I love rain. But it gets cold and freezes when I'm not in the right mind. But I'm never in the right mind.

I can't fix everything about myself. Why does there always have to be a middle of control. It's like, leave it be. Fly away. Like a bird.

Sometimes I just let go. But for how long. I look back and then say that I could have done more.

But everything is at a stand still. If only my relaxing could make something better out of me. The reason I relax is because I'm afraid of things. So afraid.

I don't feel like talking to people even what I write is just gibberish it doesn't make any sense to me. I don't recognise myself because I feel so broken.

My antipsychotic injection is due. But how can they say I have schizophrenia when I forget what psychosis even is? I just get a bit off at the end of the injection and then I get the next one and it numbs my brain to a ****** reality that I can't escape from so I use drugs to do it.

You know?

I know.. What ever I do know.. I know.. Somehow..

I don't have paranoia anymore so I think I should just stop caring and let myself steer into a good direction. Enjoy it too. I just can't control anything and need to let the bad things slide by.

I don't know what is wrong with me anymore. Everything is left right paradox and I can see reality like a simulation or is that just the early stages of a psychosis. I really doubt it.

Because I believe things 100% and know..

Why is everything so mixed up like if I say something in the moment but turned back time, I would say the same thing but what if I was in the future already before I turned back, it would be completely different. How can I follow such rules of reality like this and just go along with it having my thoughts controlled by energy..

I used to get panic attacks because there was stuff on the ground in my room. I had to pick them up.

But just leave them be now. Lets just not function because I don't want to pick them up.

But with no panic just relax.

Why can't I relax.

Moving on from toxic relationships is hard. Grieving over the relationship is normal, but you shouldn't feel guilty about your decision.

One of my kids is that way; his room and common areas need to be neat and tidy or he has anxiety about it. We make an effort to keep common areas picked up. Not wanting things on the floor isn't a bad thing, but obsessing over it can cause a lot of anxiety. I hope you get the help you need from professionals as well as from family.

Yes, especially because she is still being extremely manipulative...

Her friend messaged me last night to tell me she was belligerent at his house, insulting him and his fiancée, throwing things, they had to kick her out and she is not welcome back. She was smoking meth, of course, even though she has been texting me about how much she's "changed".