[bizi]

It is all about choices for me.
And making substitutions.
Substitute one activity for the next.
This is where I get bogged down.
Tonight It will be a whole foods night, in the bar playing trivia. Before I have not drank when going there but that is not any fun. If AF I will get a lot of food to eat so as to be doing something there. I don't really play because I am horrible at trivia but it is something to do.
Being on a diet is not any fun either but I try still down 13 pounds.
Drinking fattening beers is not on my diet.
When I drink, I am not supposed to drive.
Before when I was AF...I was able to go to the gym in the evening.
I substituted drinking hot tea this past 2 months over the holidays when at christmas parties etc....in Indiana. I felt like I was hypo thou.
In theory I could start a new hobby.
But instead I post on even more forums and spend hours on the internet.
I have neglected certain aspects of my job for 9 months now. No one is to hold me accountable for doing that kind of paper work, so I don't do it.
That would take up a lot of time and is completely not fun, and I don't want to do it so I don't.
It is charting and creating new charts on the new clients that I see.
I am so far behind, it is daunting.
Now I do a little paper work daily then billing twice a month which takes me a few hours.

For lent I think that I will rejoin planet fitness($10.90 a month) and go after dinner in the evenings, when I would normally be on the computer. Would get home to watch jerry seinfeld with jeff at 9:30.

Being AF, I get better sleep. I am able to stay on my diet and not make bad food choices and don't have to worry about a DUI, or ruining my life.

There is shame involved in my drinking, like I am bad, weak, a moral failure, a lesser human being if I drink.
My therapist doesn't know that I started drinking again.
The last interaction we had was she texted me how proud she is of me...
sigh
I will probably lie to her or let her think that I am AF when I have not been.
I don't want to let her down. It felt good to hear her say she was proud of me....
sigh
My house always needs cleaning...I could do that but I am lazy.
It is more fun to be on the computer...than anything else.
I need to find joy in other activities. I have said for years now that I need to get a life.
Yesterday I had a cancellation so I thought I would stop and have a couple of beers and be ok to drive home.
I could not think of something that I could do or wanted to do to fill up that free time. So I thought about it while driving...and came up with " I have been needing new glasses for years" So I stopped at the store and got my eyes examined and picked out new frames. I am getting 2 pairs. Getting regular/expensive ones for everyday and cheap ones for the computer.
I did not get home until 6;30 so we ate late.
But it gave me something else to do besides drinking so that was good.
I spent $515 dollars on 2 pairs (including the eye exam)so that was not too too bad. I would have spent hundreds more if I had gone to lens crafters.
Sorry for the long post.
Thank you for reading.
Taking each day as it comes.
AF last night=a win.
sigh
must it always be a win/ lose situation....
bizi

[benzenering]

Good for you, bizi. Have a good weekend!

[bizi]

I got home early and was able to have jeff drive to whole foods.
I had tried to get together with a friend but she did not text me back until it was too late to do anything. I would have drank hot tea with her, perhaps we would have gone out to eat or to a movie.
There were 2 tables of friends (and some people I did not know) at whole foods it was great fun, had 3 beers over 3 hours. Ate a lot of healthy food and had cho pudding for desert. I have social anxiety when it comes to talking to people in public. The beer helps with that. and it gives me an excuse to drink.
Earlier I had called a friend to discuss a surprise birthday party for our friends 70th birthday. She was at a bar drinking a beer and asked me to come join her, I asked her if she wanted to come to whole foods and she declined. The party is at 8am.
After trivia we went to target to pick out a birth day card and went home where I proceeded to make pop corn. WE ate 2-3 bags, can't remember actually while we watched seinfeld together. I also ate a carmel turtle that jeff picked up.
I am stuffed and tired.
I hope I sleep well tonight.
I don't like having to get up at 7am on a saturday. I am working in the afternoon. It is mardi gras season, many parades to go to and parties to attend. Monday night is the queens parade where our friends make king cakes. I will have decaff coffee there as they always serve that.
they make 3 different king cakes and every one samples each one. It is hard not to endulge but in all seriousness Their king cakes are too bready.
Again there will be people I don't know but I will have a cup of coffee in my hand to be a buffer so to speak.Mardi gras is fat tuesday, the last day of living it up before ash wednesday and the beginning of lent.
It happens to fall on valentines day this year.

Being on the computer takes up a lot of my time. I post on the addictions forum as well as here, and neurotalks bipolar forum as well.
And a nutrition site(spark people) that wants to decrease their drinking in order to lose weight.
I can easily get all hypo going from one forum to the other to face book then emails back to favorites forums etc.
I am online several times a day for at least an hour each time.
We are in the planning stages of fixing up our house. updating the kitchen and bathrooms, foundation repaired, new brick mail box, new front door, electrical wiring, landscaping, maybe sodding the back yard as the grass has all died. work on the drainage in the back yard. Lots of projects, getting ready to close on a new line of credit on the houses equity.
I already see my self getting all worked up over this.
WE cant really do any repairs to sheet rock or cracks and two doors can't shut....we have to have the foundation fixed first which is no fun at all and very expensive. We can at least get a mason to do the mail box so that will be nice. That will happen in the next few weeks.
I think we should sit down, make a list and prioritize which projects to do first. I want to hire a contractor to organize these projects as it is too much for me to deal with. I get hypo thinking about it.
I need to slow down and not rush things. Each project will disrupt our lives.
A new kitchen will require a plumber, an electrician, cabinet maker/installer, painter maybe, granite installers, etc.

I did not drink and drive. 3 drinks in 3 hours is not horrible.
I am not a bad person. I did over eat tonight.
Some how I will tell my therapist that I have been drinking.....
I am actually looking forward to lent.
I am looking forward to taking better care of myself joining a gym again.
bizi

[bizi]

I gave myself a hug and looked in the mirror ans said
'"I am a nice person"
The surprise birthday party was nice. Nicko was very surprised!!!!!
We had gotten him a card and paid for his lunch, there were about 25 people there. Jeff and I split a breakfast.
It is a gloomy day.
I see three people this afternoon for work. Jeff is busy doing errands, changing light bulbs, other things not sure. I am sitting here making hot tea, relaxing before work. He said he would prepare dinner tonight.
Not sure if there is a parade tonight or not, 100% chance of rain.
Don't feel like getting wet.

I used to get great pleasure out of working in my yard. the whole yard screams for attention. I just don't have the energy/desire to tackle it.
It is over whelming.
I think the yard will get damaged when they bring in the big equipment to fix the foundation. Then would be a good time to redo the flower beds. We have been talking about this for years. WE will compile a list of things to do to fix up the place. We aren't planning on selling just fixing things that we have neglected or want to do but never got around to doing them.
bizi

[sans]

Have fun at Mardi Gras celebrations Bizi. I always thought it would be nice to live near the Bayous of Louisiana. Only visited New Orleans once in the late 80's. It was the dog days of Summer, and the humidity was intense.
It's definitely in my top 5 choices of where I'd like to relocate to.
The rain has stopped here in Ky for the time being. Enjoy your day!
Sans

[bizi]

Imagine having to live in that humidity.
fortunately I have an indoor job so I go from one air conditioned place to another.
I depend greatly on my car's AC.
bizi

[bizi]

We have had king cake and coffee this morning. Will hop into the shower here and get ready to go see the 1pm parade. They block off many of the streets and people set up tents and such, cooking bbqs and selling food and drinks along the way. The university has an area blocked off for faculty and students....giving away bloody marys.
It is a little warmer today, yesterday it was in the 40's today should be in the 50's maybe even 60! today small chance of rain.
Have a good day yall.
bizi

[bizi]

Today starts Lent.
Alcohol free and went to join planet fitness. Gotta start somewhere!
Had a surf and turf valentines day dinner with hubby.
It was delicious!
bizi

[bizi]

Had a wonderful valentines day dinner with my hubby.
We splurged and ate at a new seafood restaurant called: Drago's.
We started off with a dozen char broiled oysters. And then we both had the surf and turf, (half a small lobster and 6oz filet with 4 shrimp) and a small dinner salad. WE also had a side of sauteed spinach and roasted new potatoes. We wanted to use up the $100 gift card that I gave him for christmas so we shared the apple crumble with a scoop of ice cream for desert.
It was very delicious and worth the treat.
In the morning when I woke up Hubby had surprised me with flowers and a beautiful card with lottery scratch offs. (I did not win anything).
I got him some dark chocolate truffles and a nice card.
My diet resumes tomorrow. Low carb, no potatoes, no bread, no rice.
lots of veggies and mod amounts of protein.
bizi

[sans]

Sounds like a great Valentine’s Day! My daughter came for a visit from California and she had King cake for the first time. She’s 28. I started getting it every year for my mom as her birthday was 2/11. Take care
Sans

[splitimage]

Sounds like a really nice Valentine's day. Good luck with getting back on the diet and staying AF.

splitimage

[bizi]

Coffee with creamer
lunch: beef lasagna and collard greens and beets
I did not have any caffeine after lunch like usual see if it was interferring with my sleep.
dinner was sauteed in coconut oil lemon pepper talapia.
side of steamed mixed veggies and a piece of havarti cheese
and a la croix to drink. (sparkling water)
tea is brewed and waiting for my return.
I will bring a bottled water flavored with my stevia that is flavored toffee.
Getting ready to go to the gym, am psyching myself up!
maybe popcorn if I feel like it with jerry seindeld.
Saw my Therapist today, was honest and forthcoming.
She appreciated my honesty.
So that was good.
bizi

[bizi]

Hopefully I will lose weight by not drinking.
Well, I went to the gym today. Walked about half an hour 1.25 miles. so It is a start. I also upgraded my membership so that I can use the hydo therapy bed and the massage chair. worth the extra 13 dollars a month.
I enjoyed the machines the hydo the best though.
Really, I am hoping that I sleep well tonight. I am tired from not sleeping well.
Took an aleve tonight at 6 pm. so am hoping that it gets me thru the night.
Getting my hair colored in the morning. I work saturday making up for being off tuesday.
Have a great friday and thank you for reading!
bizi

[bizi]

I am already contemplating drinking.
sigh
where is my will power?
bizi

[sans]

Think about all the great reasons you wanted to quit. Maybe a sparkling water with lemon and a good movie will take your mind off of that idea. Popcorn?
Sans

[bizi]

I had pop corn and tea last night.
also a la croix with dinner. Sparkling cranberry infused water.
Thanks for the support!
bizi

[bizi]

I need to come up with alternative things to do instead of drinking.
When I told jeff that I was going to give up alcohol for lent he said:
"40 days of no fun for you"
i told him that we needed to come up with more things to do...that don't include alcohol...surely we can do this.
bizi

[bizi]

I just remembered it is art walk tonight!
yeah, something to do and is free!
There will be great temptation as they serve snacks and free wines in some of the galleries.
There is chicken that needs to be eaten for supper tonight, so will eat a bunch of veggies to fill me up.
It starts at 6pm.
I get done working around 5.
Happy day to all who struggle.
bizi

[sans]

Eating first and being hydrated is a good idea. Maybe carry around a sparkling water, so when you see the other choices, you won’t have temptation.
I found this online and liked that it had websites to go to. http://sobercourage.com/2014/07/11/1...-things-to-do/

[bizi]

I made it thru an art walk with out drinking nor any snacks which I did not see any but was not looking like usual.
have taken my geodon with food in the evening for the past few days. I am yawning and ready to go to bed. at 9;30.
I guess I will take my night meds and see if I can get a better nights sleep.
good night all!
bizi