I went

I went to AA last night. It was good, there seemed to be people sober from 2 weeks to many years and of all ages. I was happy there was such a diverse group, im from a small town and wasnt sure what to expect.

I was extremely nervous. Walking in was more scary than a lot of incredibly bad things that have happened in my life lately but they pointed me to the coffee and a chair and it was a somewhat comforting place to be. Something I am at least considering doing again. It was a discussion meeting and they decided to discuss their step one since it was my first time. They told me i could choose if i wanted to say anything or not. I spoke a little but kept it simple about the bipolar and alcohol spiral.

The only things i didnt like about it was this quote:
"There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."

And the fact that no ones stories seemed too bad to me. I mean it was bad for them obviously, im not trying to minimize their struggles. Alcohol had a hold on them, they couldnt find their cars, got a dui, isolated to hide their drinking etc. And maybe they were just keeping it light, im not sure.

But me, I try to kill myself, I have the police showing up at my door, picking me up off the kitchen floor or chasing me barefoot across town and dragging me to the hospital then the cells then the hospital again over and over. I have psych ward stays and meds i cant seem to take. I didnt just go out to have fun with my buddies and forget where my car was. I dont relate to their normal drinking issues is how i feel.

I just feel hopeless and while i liked these people and appreciated the feeling i got from the meeting overall im not sure i fit there. Today i couldnt take my meds so that was only 3 days i made it and i seriously considered going to buy whiskey. The last couple of days i have spent laying in bed and crying. Im not sure if i can do a couple more like that. Stupid depression, I just dont see a point.