[Tryingtobehappy5]

I went to AA last night. It was good, there seemed to be people sober from 2 weeks to many years and of all ages. I was happy there was such a diverse group, im from a small town and wasnt sure what to expect.

I was extremely nervous. Walking in was more scary than a lot of incredibly bad things that have happened in my life lately but they pointed me to the coffee and a chair and it was a somewhat comforting place to be. Something I am at least considering doing again. It was a discussion meeting and they decided to discuss their step one since it was my first time. They told me i could choose if i wanted to say anything or not. I spoke a little but kept it simple about the bipolar and alcohol spiral.

The only things i didnt like about it was this quote:
"There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."

And the fact that no ones stories seemed too bad to me. I mean it was bad for them obviously, im not trying to minimize their struggles. Alcohol had a hold on them, they couldnt find their cars, got a dui, isolated to hide their drinking etc. And maybe they were just keeping it light, im not sure.

But me, I try to kill myself, I have the police showing up at my door, picking me up off the kitchen floor or chasing me barefoot across town and dragging me to the hospital then the cells then the hospital again over and over. I have psych ward stays and meds i cant seem to take. I didnt just go out to have fun with my buddies and forget where my car was. I dont relate to their normal drinking issues is how i feel.

I just feel hopeless and while i liked these people and appreciated the feeling i got from the meeting overall im not sure i fit there. Today i couldnt take my meds so that was only 3 days i made it and i seriously considered going to buy whiskey. The last couple of days i have spent laying in bed and crying. Im not sure if i can do a couple more like that. Stupid depression, I just dont see a point.

[bizi]

good for you for going!
Are you bipolar too?
You sound like me when I am manic/psychotic.
Though I have never been arrested.
now a days I either drink too much and throw up or black out.
I just did that on fat tuesday/mardi gras.
I started my abs on wednesday. I "gave up" alcohol for lent. see if I can do this sober thing.
naltrexone did not help my cravings at all.
I gained 50 pounds in 3 years. Losing weight is my goal for not drinking.
Maybe you could have a goal....talk some more.
bizi

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Yes I am bipolar. The two of them are like a twister filled with wildfire together lol.

I dont get sick from drinking anymore, it ends when I black out, pass out or get arrested. Luckily only under the mental health act so far so no charges.

Im just not seeing any hope for an honestly good life so whats the point.

[sarahsweets]

Some people find that AA is not for them. Just because you didn't have anyone there share that they tried to kill themselves doesn't mean it didn't happen. I have known many many people from AA that have gone through periods of suicide and wanting to kill themselves but they don't always share it And I think it's hard to compare yourself to others. I was always told don't compare don't justify just listen. I was told to identify not compare. And the text that you referenced just talks about Mental disorders in the sense that it wants to acknowledge that they exist and the part where it talks about the capacity to be honest it just means that if you were honest about your drinking there is a chance for Hope and survival. It's easy to want to talk yourself out of something like AA. You don't identify so you start to pick a part those around you that are so different from yourself. If you just look at the bottom line which is you have a problem with alcohol and so do they, you can get a lot more out of these Meetings. At the same time AA isn't for everybody. No one is wrong for not liking AA or not finding it helpful. It’s about what works for you to stop drinking. I look at it like this : what is the worst that could happen? Maybe you stop drinking with AA or maybe you keep drinking. It's all about what you think you need to do to stop drinking.

Being new and walking into a meeting that you have never been to before is very overwhelming for anybody even somebody who has been in AA for a long time . I suggest you go to other meetings or even that one again and just listen for a while before you make your final opinion about AA. It can't possibly hurt you. Some people will say AA is too religious. I don't look at it that way because the God part that they talk about is very personal. If you run into anyone that is talking about religion in a specific sense just let it go in one ear and out the other because that is not what AA is about.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Tryingtobehappy5 I completely agree wit what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice in this thread. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. AA meetings can be scary at first, but it seems like you did pretty well! I'd suggest to give it a try and do some more meetings. If you like the group, I think it's worth giving it a try. Also good on you for taking courage and going to that meeting! That means that you DO want to get better. Be proud of yourself for that. Try to do some more meetings and see how it goes from there. If it doesn't work out too well for you, you can always leave later. I'd suggest to just listen the first few meetings and share your problems one step at the time. Perhaps the others will share more as well! Just because they don't talk about suicide or Mi, it doesn't mean they aren't struggling with it as well. After all, you didn't talk about it either, right? Just take all the time you need. Just take it one step at the time. Take baby steps. You could try other groups as well if this one doesn't work out. Just try to share things, even step by step, a little at the time. I'm sure you can do this! I believe in you. I'm so glad that you're trying to get help. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you, Tryingtobehappy5. Stay strong and keep fighting! We all believe in you! You're a strong, wonderful person

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Yes I am bipolar. The two of them are like a twister filled with wildfire together lol.

I dont get sick from drinking anymore, it ends when I black out, pass out or get arrested. Luckily only under the mental health act so far so no charges.

Im just not seeing any hope for an honestly good life so whats the point.

It is called dual diagnosis. and very common for folks like us.
Have you ever considered going to a NAMI connections meeting before?
I have and it was helpful to be around other folks with mental illness. I would try to go if there are any in your area. I met and made a really good friend at one meeting last year. It is important to get as much support as you can get.
Do you have a supportive family?
tell us more about your situation if you wish.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[childofchaos831]

I go to AA... And my story includes drinking and suicide attempts as well... I don't always share it but I try to when there is a newcomer in the room in case their story matches mine more than the physical bottom drunks. My bottom was emotional. I hated myself, still do on occasion. Still trying to learn to love myself, kinda in between the two at the moment. But I also still get suicidal. Been going thru a stretch of that recently, actually. I was never arrested but I have been committed to the hospital.

There are more than it seems that have that emotional bottom. I know plenty of people who have at least considered suicide because of their drinking and drugging. Sometimes, for some people, it's too hard to talk about regularly.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

..... But I also still get suicidal. Been going thru a stretch of that recently, actually. I was never arrested but I have been committed to the hospital.

There are more than it seems that have that emotional bottom. I know plenty of people who have at least considered suicide because of their drinking and drugging. Sometimes, for some people, it's too hard to talk about regularly.

I am sorry that you have been dealing with this lately.
Maybe time to have a med check with your pdoc.

Do you have a therapist to work with?
The police came out and I was hand cuffed but taken to the hospital where I was committed. I needed to be there so it was not a problem.
Thanks for sharing.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

Sarahsweets you definitely have a point on the whole trying to talk myself out of it part. I know there is more to their stories than a 2 minute version can show. In fact one I know more of their story from working at the hospital and while i would never bring it up or act like i know a single bit more about them, i do. But its still not even close to what im dealing with.

Bizi i have a very supportive husband and my dad and his mom both help a little with the kids but no other supports.

Thank you childofchaos, that makes sense that it may be hard to talk about it. I find it helps me to talk about it, its more that it seems to make others uncomfortable. I hope you get through this low point and can enjoy life more again. Are you still sober? And how long if you dont mind me asking.

I have spent the last few days crying and sleeping and im not sure i can take much more of this. Its day 6 sober and I expected some relief by now. I look like death and am definitely having SI at this point.

Possible trigger:

last night I cut to calm down, it seems to have much of the same effects for some reason

Its passive though so no point in trying to do anything about it. Alcohol would take it away instantly though. Im down to 1 valium, they only gave me 5. Its not enough. Today might be the end of this, its just too hard and I feel too alone. We only have AA tues and fri here otherwise i have to drive an hour or two to get to another one. They gave me a list of their phone numbers but I hate reaching out to people when i dont think they can help anyway

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Mikeycheeky you are right, there are many reasons they might not have shared the worst parts. I do wish I could get better and I am proud of myself for trying again. Especially for going to even one meeting because it has been suggested to me by countless drs and nurses and therapists and all of you on here over the past couple of years and i have always turned it down so i guess its progress even if this isnt the end of my drinking

[sarahsweets]

Is there a particular reason why you did not consider detox? In detox they would give you more medication than the five Valium pills that you have. And I'm not one to say that AA is for everybody. It works for some and it doesn't for others. When you receive phone numbers from AA people they actually do want to hear from you even though it feels like the phone weighs 1000 pounds. And I can tell you from experience the feeling like crap thing goes on for a lot longer than 60 days. I don't think I felt right side it until at least 30 days but really 90 in total.

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by bizi

I am sorry that you have been dealing with this lately.
Maybe time to have a med check with your pdoc.

Do you have a therapist to work with?
The police came out and I was hand cuffed but taken to the hospital where I was committed. I needed to be there so it was not a problem.
Thanks for sharing.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I do have a T who I saw today and I see my pdoc next week. Once I got over being mad at being committed, I could see I did actually need to be there, but I couldn't see it at first.

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Thank you everyone for your responses.

Thank you childofchaos, that makes sense that it may be hard to talk about it. I find it helps me to talk about it, its more that it seems to make others uncomfortable. I hope you get through this low point and can enjoy life more again. Are you still sober? And how long if you dont mind me asking.

This time around, I'm coming up on 2 months. I've had over 2 years at one point and other longer periods also, but the mental illness keeps getting the better of me. When I get suicidal, I have a tendency to drink instead of harming myself if it comes down to it. I hate that I do that, but it makes sense to me and keeps me from attempting anything, so ya...

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

This time around, I'm coming up on 2 months. I've had over 2 years at one point and other longer periods also, but the mental illness keeps getting the better of me. When I get suicidal, I have a tendency to drink instead of harming myself if it comes down to it. I hate that I do that, but it makes sense to me and keeps me from attempting anything, so ya...

2 months is great! I did 2 months at the start of the year but i was inpatient for one of those after my last attempt. Before that and since that it has been mostly a week or 2 sober at a time.

Most of the time after my night in a cell I get to go home because I can lie well when Im sober but get extremely suicidal while manic and drunk.

I havent figured out any trigger for my drinking or episodes but I tend to get hypomanic and then urge to drink grows stronger until I cant handle it anymore and give in. Eventually I end up actually trying and then i am sent ip where I get sober again for a while.

Today I woke up around 3 and have actually been up since then and my mood has lifted so so much. So hopefully Im through the super rough part now. And hopefully wont end up going too far up and start this all over again. Bipolar is ridiculous.


Sarahsweets I dont have many options where I live and would not want to do it in the hospital where I work. I might be doing an ip dbt program eventually and im hoping that will have more of an impact long term than my hospitalizations have and they have a program that deals with co-occuring disorders so mental/substance use which would probably be a good one for me. I really need to get all this under control.

My kids were all so happy I was actually awake this evening to spend time with them. I feel bad for them and how it all effects them.

[bizi]

Glad that you had a nice night with your kids.
Do you have a benzo to take?
I pdoc ordered me a beta blocker to take for anxiety, never took it but wonder if it could help. I just had major cravings for alcohol when we were traveling this past christmas. I was 10 pounds lighter than makes me sick this yo yoing around.
This morning was 179.4 so out of the 180's.
today is officially 2 weeks AF this time round., stating that I will be AF today that is. 2 weeks ago I hit the highest weight in YEARS!!!!! 190.8.

bizi