First post. Looking for feedback

I’m an alcoholic. I have been for a very longtime. It’s gotten worse since my brothers suicide and now I have suicidal thoughts, especially when I drink too much. I attempted twice in my teens. I’m in my mid 30’s now and have had a couple scares. Deep down I know drinking is bad. I’m constantly justifying it. I’m a functioning alcoholic. I work 8-5 every day and rarely get behind the wheel after drinking. Mostly because I lost my license after a second dwi in one year. I am also a recovering meth addict. Sometimes after I buy my bottle of vodka -it just happened today- it’s like I can’t get home fast enough to pour myself a drink. I don’t even feel the affects anymore until I’m 3-4 drinks in. I shake when I don’t have it for so long. I’ve even had friends sneak me in alcohol when I was working a serving second job at nights. I know this is bad for me. I know I need to stop but why do I keep doing it? My boyfriend is the most understanding person but I keep hurting him over and over. You can’t help someone until they want to help themselves and I keep making excuses. Im not religious. I don’t have the will to go to meetings so how do I say enough is enough? And just stop doing this to myself and everyone around me?