Daily Check In #4

I relapsed. Reached my year and said fk it.

No one can take the excellent year away from you. You can start another long streak!

Sapien, been there, done that, got the hangover. But you've proven to yourself that you can stay sober / clean for an extended period. Hop right back on the wagon, and start your next year.
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Lately I've been always craving something. I'm not sure what I'm craving though - And I never really get cravings.

I think it's cigarettes.

My mind feels itchy

Okay, once again I'm done. For real this time.

I don't think I'm addicted to alcohol. But I self medicate with it because I have nothing else. I'm addicted slightly to weed.

They all increase dopamine somewhat, which is annoying to me. I don't feel well.

I can't believe;

1. How I can be like this almost daily
2. How ****ed up I was every day for a few years
3. How I'm still alive - From what most people would consider as a miracle.
3. How lonely I was and still am

But things have gotten better in general. I'm not doing NOTHING ABOUT IT anymore. I'm sick of waiting and living like how I was. I want actual meaning and connection. I'm just plagued by regret and so hard on myself, to improve. I can never take a break or relax. I feel disconnected from the rest of the world and humanity.

I replay the abuse in my head constantly, 24/7. I cope badly but still manage to be functional - It's better. I don't get how it is like this - That things are better yet I still feel such pain.

I haven't felt a sign of hope in 3-4 years (Idk - My memory is so bad). I said a long time ago, "If I can FEEL a sign that I should continue living, I will do it" - I'm not sure how long that will take. I'm just waiting. Maybe it will never come idk. All I'm holding onto are somewhat good memories (That are being crowded, over and over again - by bad ones).

It's scary to everyone around me - How suicidal I can be. I take something, ANYTHING.. And I feel better again... I forget about the depression that I avoid, for a day or more. I dwell in these terrible feelings and actually start to like thinking about death.

I don't want to be the negative person. People have said good things about me - But that was who I used to be. I feel like I'm turning into a negative person and I can't escape it. I think that the only thing to do is avoid being negative and just pretend to be happy even TO MYSELF. I lie to myself, say I'm feeling good, better, happy. The flame of who I am was is 99% extinguished.

Yesterday was a bad day. Today I am happy =]

I quit weed and alcohol 5 days ago. I plan to go without them for a year because I've decided that these drugs just make me worse and serve no purpose to me.

Back to weed smoked once a day and a 1.5 shot of rum after work. I'm using small amounts of phenibut to lift mood to a normal level.

I failed to stay on the gabapentin and Zoloft to lift mood and replace phenibut.

I only have mild substance abuse disorder now (Not severe x10 SAD). I give credit to the psychedelics for that. And yes, psychedelics can be psychologically addictive - So best to keep trying to be sober through DIY spirituality.

I don't know how I can get through this. I called the crisis line twice today and they even sent someone out to talk to me but it didn't help I still want to use.

Can't get the bipolar under control until I'm clean. Staying clean is damn near impossible when the bipolar's out of control. A vicious cycle.

I found the same thing with my depression. Once I got stabilized on the right meds combo, staying sober became much easier.

But I can't stabilize if I'm having manic blackouts and using god knows what regardless of what meds I'm on. If, and that's a big if, my current med works it's going to be at least 2 months before I stabilize. I could die in that time frame.

Could you go inpatient or do an intensive outpatient program? So that you stabilize? They have substance abuse/mental health dual programs. I wonder if you might benefit from that. Depending on your insurance if you have it. / it could also be expensive.

We don't have any nearby IOPs so finding transportation would be a pain. I went to the ER recently but they turned me away from IP because I wasn't homicidal. I'm no longer manic so have a slightly lower impulsivity level and shouldn't be wrecking myself as much from here on out. I don't want to repeat my recent experiences soon. Really paying for it now.

It takes time to stay clean. Don’t give up. Your doing amazing.

I'm slightly addicted to mixing methylphenidate, alcohol and sometimes low doses of diazepam. It makes me feel like my real self.

I'm prescribed Vyvanse, Dexedrine and clonazepam.. But those are just medications to me. They're not recreational. I really need them (If I were to not have them - For severe ADHD, no one understands that until the stimulant is discontinued at high dose and then given back. It's like psychiatrist abuse to me). I have schizophrenia (Hence the Invega) and DPDR (The olanzepine).

I stopped microdosing psilocybin/LSD smoking weed and using ketamine. My psychiatrist replaced phenibut with pregabalin and that lifts my baseline mood, makes me not apathetic with ups and downs (That have been happening the past 3 years - It was so exhausting).

I bought cocaine and meth this summer (A friend influenced me in a bad way) - I flushed them because they are too cardio/neurotoxic. I tried 3-fluorophenmetrazine and flushed that too. My cognition was failing.

I'm focusing on more healthier things, learning, meditation, still experimentation of things that will work, drinking lots of water.. I get enough sleep, I exercise moderately, good nutrition/eating, fasting, spirituality, reading, podcasts, music (Euphoria and contemplation), self awareness, introspection, conceptualization, trying to be my own friend (Because I'm so lonely - So I want to connect with family more), being less negative/sad/irritable, love myself... and to live with a purpose.. passion, etc.. Benefit society... Having conversations with people, living in the moment, being mindful...

Any criticisms are welcome. I'm grateful for everything in my life. I just have problems.

Just curious, have you disclosed any of your recreational drug use to your psychiatrist? It's impossible for them to help you if they don't know everything that's going on (to an extent). I'm trying not to assume; maybe you have disclosed all of this to your psychiatrist. Either way, it might be helpful.