Daily Check In #4

Good going WastingAsparagus. Keep it up.

Sounds like your doing amazing

I been trying to keep myself busy and listening to self help video and mediation to help fight my depression and anxiety.

I quit all drugs for 2 days.. Cuz I wanted to give my meds a try. I was drinking alcohol - I thought, "This is okay right? No harm.." but tolerance has been increasing and I'm drinking way too much.

My mom took the alcohol away... It's for the best. She asked if I needed to go to the hospital (Cuz I was -and still kind of am- very unstable and dysphoric). She got mad at me too and we argued.

Christ guys.. I just need love - That is all. I love myself.. But I'm so isolated and lonely. My parents + My moms ex have raised me, all being alcoholics. So being neglected so bad in the past (And then realizing that years later), it doesn't give anyone a good feeling.

((((((((Desoxyn))))))))

I’m sorry that your struggling.

Grounded a little bit by working tomorrow - So I have a reason to go to bed. Cuz I procrastinate going to sleep, and find it hard to wake up.

I was really dissociated, looking at the news and thought, "Oh *... "

The friend I talk to.. with autism, is manic.. and it tires me. There's so many thoughts that I have, like I used to be really manic.. But I've changed.. At least, I don't know what way I'm supposed to be like..

Kindness, understanding, positive human emotions.. Sure, all of those things are pure - Like a family member of mine said, "People keep having to learn their lessons in life, until they finally get it" (Like with his kids, doing meth and such - They're sober now..)..

It's a real mind *... The absurdity... I chose hedonism.. and that's still what that friend is like (Except the strangest part, manages to do things when I didn't). All I did was bask in the euphoria and then crash, having unimaginable despair.

But all of this was the way I healed from so many things, after the experience I had.. I was traumatized still.. I gave up, isolation, neglect. I mention this stuff too much.. But with "Self" and "other", I see no difference (Like an infant, experienced meditator, or schizophrenia).

I used to just hand everything over.. to the hospital. I was naive. My mom should have sued them for the stuff that happened.

- Patients taking my money, buying me crack to smoke with them? Trying to manipulate me, take advantage of my fragile mental state etc, for sexual reasons too?

And my childhood friend deleted me cuz I mentioned the specific drug.. But I was only 18 - What did I know.. With the Abilify and 80mg of Prozac too, causing severe impulsivity..

And it just continues.. I learned so much though. A blessing and a curse (If you stretch the spectrum of those are as wide as my whole life/soul). And I will try to succeed in my own way.. The pain was beneficial.. I was although, given mercy - way too late, most of the time.

I'm going to watch a documentary with my mom tomorrow (About "synthetics"), has recordings of Alexander/Ann Shulgin and Hamilton Morris etc... Looks really good.

Whatever way my life goes - And I want to explain something first: I didn't accept my life.. I was so idealistic that I lost touch with everything else.. But now that has changed, it's 50%.. I'm trying to be more in tune with my own life.. When I look back at high school (For example), all of those "friends" (I isolated myself from them), they must judge me for that.. But it's okay..

My mind burns and sparks like a plane crash landing withouts wheels.. It won't stop - And I don't want it to stop. When it gets too much? I beg for mercy for such a long time... I give in.. I know that love etc is behind it all.. And anyone that doesn't want to understand, I want to shut them out..

..But that's just not true.. I'm really tolerant of most people.. Until the video chat person, talking to me for 10 minutes. It was the most damaging 10 minutes of my life (Cuz of the DPDR/panic) + The soldiers that I talked to for 3-4 hours. I've always been okay, being friends with sociopaths and such.. I learn from people..

What is there to just give up, and be uncertain about what I don't even know of what I can't let go.

First time checking on this thread. It's been a while since I've been on PC. Well now they call it something else, My Support Forums I guess. I am almost 2 years clean and sober from drugs and alcohol, I don't even smoke cigarettes. I have a lot of anxiety because I am trying to move out of the rehab I am in and they have to vote that I leave or not. I just want to put the past two years of jails and institutions behind me for good.

@LadyShadow Congratulations on almost 2 years without those substances!!

Hey Fam. New member here making my first post. I’m a recovering heroin addict. March 28th was 18 years clean for me. From homeless to home owner. Although I no longer deal with the compulsion to use and when it crosses my mind I’ve been around long enough to know using will make everything worse regardless of what I’m going through. Although it’s amazing how this disease will manifest itself in so many ways, ways I would have never imagined. That being said I may be clean but I struggle with addiction often. I hope to meet some like minded people. My love goes out to everyone in the struggle, and if I can help even as a sounding board please feel free to send me a message.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Talking has help me

Today is 4.5 years sober Very happy about that.

congratulations

I'm about 4.5 months sober this time around and just have not wanted to drink since my last disastrous binging episode. But I must remain vigilant and proactive. The drinking bug always becomes a reality if things slip too far downhill mentally/emotionally.

QUOTE=mote.of.soul;7337628]I'm about 4.5 months sober this time around and just have not wanted to drink since my last disastrous binging episode. But I must remain vigilant and proactive. The drinking bug always becomes a reality if things slip too far downhill mentally/emotionally.[/QUOTE]

congratulations

officially a relapse

Fighting my anxiety

I've been feeling down emotionally, so I decided to go back on Antabuse, to take away the risk of my just saying F* it, and going to drink. I feel better after deciding to restart it, as it takes away any debate.

Everything is fine. But I miss the "50mg codeine tablets" that my dad brought back from Mexico. I took 3-4 of them (Last month).

I was going to take Tramadol - But searched the side effects - QT prolongation, seizures, serotonin syndrome? No thanks.. Why was my mom prescribed Tramadol? (It wasn't her regular doctor that prescribed it, he didn't know about her heart conditions) - And she rarely takes it. I should say something.

I want to take 2mg of Dilaudid - To get the feeling of the 50mg codeines. The codeine tablets took away all of my anxiety, and I could say anything to anyone.

I also can't see a therapist (When I really need to) but I think I made her ghost me cuz I talked about weird trauma in the psych ward.

The world is run by psychopaths - It won't get better. It's just craziness. I'm floating through space, don't really forgive my mom cuz she acts like a narcissist to me every day (Like she hates me, knows better than me or something). Idk why people want to live in this world. So many people are opioid addicts, homeless, causing terror, dying. It should be a reason for me to not end up like that - But yknow the only thing not stopping me?

I tried powerful opioids before, and didn't get addicted. I had no love. Why should anyone care? I'm not even real. This whole existence isn't real. It's a dream, eternal hell (From what it seems like now). I can't concentrate much without being high, and can't at all when I'm not - I'm too damaged/or brain chemistry not compatible with life. I have to take antipsychotics right? "For the rest of (My) life" cuz of a stupid label diagnosis.

I want to focus on my interests, live a good life - But there's so much suffering. I don't understand what's happening. I'm want to take Dilaudid -

And yknow what the best part is? It's a joke. I shouldn't even be writing this, and instead think of my drug use as a positive thing. But people are so stupid. They aren't me. They don't know what it's like - Nothing is the same.. Except some spiritual/religious node/love that brings everyone together.. And that's what I'm going by - Everyone else is delusional.

I would delete this (To un jinx or non-cancel it out) - But I'm not even going to look at it for a while, after I post, and cuz this is the only actual progress that I wrote in a while - To try and fix things.

A friend got off of heroin recently, and other friends are getting sober - But it's got into my head (About that manic friend) that is like a genius, and talks about drug regulations, stuff about society... And I'm so confused. I need to make progress - And all I'm given is judgement and lack of love.

I'll be fine. Call me stupid, I'm actually doing fine. And I'll have a bit of fun, while this whole world burns - Cuz Idk how to help people IRL. I can't even socialize. I've helped people in my own way, given inspiration - But it's an eternal circle, "What's the point?" I say.. Until there is a point (But that's a delusion, of the illusion of life/reality). You can overcome the waves of existence/consciousness, yeah.. But everyone's going to do the same thing, learn the same lessons over and over again.

I am a person that is always misunderstood. I sat in the basement, stoned out of my mind - While all my mom cared about was herself.

I know there's good paths to life.. And I'll probably find it in the afterlife - Or now, if I try.. but it seems that I lack free will, from being overwhelmed and mistreated (By everyone). I'm on my own. I'll find my own way. There's no future. No hope. If someone can show me a reason to take this life seriously, let me know. It's probably some religious, philosophical thing, or to relax - But yknow how everyone has their own beliefs, ideologies etc? Everyone's always fighting, arguing.. If no one had any problems, life would be really boring anyways. That's the point.

Do I want help? What does that even mean?

Wanting to have some fun (To balance out the energies of torture from being God, with so many hallucinations/people - That are also me) has now been cancelled out by the judgement - So now I'm like "Fine. I don't even care anymore".

- And then desperation comes along, and tells me to just want to escape from the pain as quickly as possible - Even if it's short term, and causes problems later. It's impulsivity, from how torturous life is. No wonder everyone is dysfunctional as all hell.

And some people want to save everyone - Life is meaningless, and people give it meaning. I just want to escape, forever. I want to be off of this Earth. Too afraid to die though - But if I die, that would be the greatest blessing - Although the same stuff will just happen again after that. Eternal nothingness is NOW, for everyone.

I deserve what I get. I'm taking things seriously by writing all of this, and I don't even want to. So from now on, I won't.