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Student of Life
Member Since Mar 2014
Location: South America
Posts: 4,709
10 2,917 hugs
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Jun 23, 2020 at 11:56 PM
#101
I decided against having a beer tonight because I know it messes with my head.
__________________ "Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!” |
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 Desoxyn
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Elder
Member Since Nov 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 5,037
8 15 hugs
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Jun 24, 2020 at 01:57 AM
#102
Clean since April 8th, 2020.
__________________  Diagnoses: PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain |
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 Bill3, Desoxyn, WastingAsparagus
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Bill3, Desoxyn, greentires4me, WastingAsparagus
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Moderator
Community Support Team 
Member Since Mar 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 11,521
18 79 hugs
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Jun 24, 2020 at 04:23 AM
#103
Way to go childofchaos. That's awesome.
__________________  "I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn. "If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba 
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childofchaos831
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,947
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Jun 24, 2020 at 08:22 AM
#104
Congratulations childofchaos!
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 13,028
(SuperPoster!)
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Jul 01, 2020 at 11:04 PM
#105
Stopped abusing stimulants over a week ago.
Tolerant to ~half a gram of phenibut (5mg of baclofen). Might be dependent on low dose alprazolam again. Had anxiety today so I took one. So far that's it. |
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 13,028
(SuperPoster!)
8 4,931 hugs
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Jul 02, 2020 at 07:36 PM
#106
I feel like I'm having an addiction attack? (PAWS).
I'm addicted to all things right now. My dopamine is like "MORE" Must be the invega injection |
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 13,028
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8 4,931 hugs
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Jul 02, 2020 at 07:42 PM
#107
"During a “dopamine fast,” you're supposed to abstain from the kinds of things you normally enjoy doing, such as alcohol, sex, drugs, gaming, talking to others, going online and, in some extremes, pleasurable eating. The idea is to “reset” your neurochemical system by de-stimulating it."
nomnomnomonom |
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WastingAsparagus
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 13,028
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Jul 03, 2020 at 09:28 PM
#108
I smoked a small bit of weed which seemed to help but it was a big mistake. I'm never smoking weed again.
A while after the weed wore off, at the end of the night, my hands and legs started becoming really shaky, my heart started beating fast and I had a full blown panic attack. I took 1mg of alprazolam, 7.5mg of zopiclone and 5mg of olanzepine and went to sleep. These are the only moments that I need alprazolam. I get really really bad panic attacks. I should take for light anxiety. Alprazolam might be apart of the problem. Now I'm just surviving and hoping that it doesn't happen again. I'm down to 530mg of phenibut today. I'm going to go to 400mg tomorrow. |
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Elder
Member Since Jan 2010
Location: Where? US
Posts: 5,621
14 101 hugs
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Jul 03, 2020 at 10:28 PM
#109
I feel frustrated. I'm overwhelmed and turning to addictive behaviors. Back to day 0
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| Desoxyn
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 13,028
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Jul 05, 2020 at 02:49 AM
#110
Took 1g of phenibut today and 0.5mg of Xanax. I need to ask my doctor for another diazepam taper.
I feel like giving up. This is too much pain. It's ****ing agony. And who controls the doses and type of substance, med, supplement? ME. No one knows what I'm doing and it's hard to keep track of it all. I can't believe I'm made it this far - and everything is crumbling around me. I need to cry. I feel so sad. |
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| Coolbreeze74
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Coolbreeze74
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 13,028
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Jul 09, 2020 at 02:33 AM
#111
On diazepam taper. I only took one. It's been 3 days without a benzo! 600mg of phenibut tomorrow.
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 13,028
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Jul 10, 2020 at 06:57 PM
#112
Was going to buy Soma then last minute changed my mind and made chamomile tea
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 13,028
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Jul 14, 2020 at 01:41 AM
#113
I bought heroin and it doesn't let me cancel my order.
The reason that I want to cancel my order is because I think of my dad. I did it in spite of my mom because she continues to neglect me when my mental health is really bad. My dad is the only thing grounding me. I told my mom about the last time I ordered heroin and she threw it away after it arrived. But I don't care about what she thinks anymore because of her drinking, reckless behaviour and manipulation of me. I ordered it because of her but I can't blame other people right? I have to blame myself. The fact that I'm suffering and can't even leave my room without having to deal with all of the ********. I called my therapist last week and she was setting me up with supports but it seems hopeless. I just want the mental pain to go away. |
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 13,028
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Jul 14, 2020 at 01:44 AM
#114
I honestly think that my mom doesn't care about me. My death seems like it would just be another dramatic story for her to whine about to get attention but it's likelier that it would be the only thing that would put an end to her delusional mental fantasy land.
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 13,028
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Jul 14, 2020 at 01:54 AM
#115
Am I being irrational? I think I'm being completely rational. I'm clear minded and very aware under my circumstances.
My mom needs to learn to stop drinking |
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 13,028
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Jul 19, 2020 at 04:44 PM
#116
Down to 400mg of phenibut. Will take 350mg tomorrow. Almost there.. Took 2.5mg of diazepam yesterday. It's more of a mind thing now.
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 13,028
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Jul 24, 2020 at 12:04 AM
#117
Drank alcohol. My whole family drank alcohol alone/or with friends. Then we came together, cried. My mom will try and stop drinking tomorrow for 2 weeks. I'll have to support her or idk cuz she doesn't believe she has a problem - Just like I never believed I had a problem.
I took 2.5mg of diazepam which helped with the hangover feeling after the alcohol wore off an hour or two later. I'm down to 350mg of phenibut! Will take 300mg tomorrow.. I'm so proud of myself..... |
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 13,028
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Jul 29, 2020 at 11:08 PM
#118
Still taking 350mg of phenibut. On day 2 of not taking benzos. Tomorrow will be day 3. I'm gonna try and go 2 weeks without them.
My mom is on almost a week of no alcohol! |
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Moderator
Community Support Team
Member Since Mar 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 11,521
18 79 hugs
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Jul 30, 2020 at 09:41 AM
#119
Way to go Desoxyn, keep trying. And good news on your Mom.
splitimage __________________ "I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favourite hymn. "If you see the wonder in a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail." Abba
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| Desoxyn
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Desoxyn
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 13,028
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Aug 01, 2020 at 03:49 PM
#120
Addiction update;
- On 350mg of phenibut (Half of what it was). - Trying to go 2 weeks without any benzo (On day 3 I took 1/4 (2.5mg) of a diazepam. It's been two days since then.. So basically 5 days without a benzo !) - I don't think I'm taking any other drugs? Nicotine gum and coffee.. - My last cigarette was on August 6th of 2019. - Stopped taking Ashwagandha because it makes my OCD symptoms much worse. - Taking all meds (Invega Sustenna, olanzepine, Vyvanse, zopiclone, atenolol, minocycline). - Taking vitamin C, D and a fish oil a day. - Not taking psilocybe microdose cuz dealing with depersonalization every night. - My mom hasn't drank alcohol in over a week. |
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