Daily Check In #4

Its official as of yesterday.

7 years sober. I've finally lost the appeal and taste for it.

Congratulations Greentires4me, that's an awesome number.

Congratulations paularo, 7 years is huge.


Welcome and hope you'll keep posting.

splitimage

I smoked weed and took a xanax. I just don't care about trying anymore.

My mom and sister had a fight last night. I don't understand the abuse and neglect that we endured and I'm jealous that my sister is leaving me with my mom - A histrionic dramatic alcoholic in denial.

All the things I planned to do for self improvement are meaningless - Either no one cares or they criticize me and say that the things I do are just a phase and I should focus on one thing.

I wish I could get really ****ed up on something. I'm suicidal almost every day.

Feeling better now. Family issues are resolved. I was overreacting. Also when the weed wears off, I feel more emotional.

I would only do meth to have a comedown to do MDMA so it's more sedating and less anxiety.

I'll do MDMA therapy when it's legal.

What about enrolling in university and taking something you may have hidden passion for?

Had stupidly strong cravings yesterday, but didn't give in. First time in a long time that's happened.

I've been sober from alcohol for years, now. That was my drug of choice. The crap keeps popping up in my brain. To just start again because life is a huge mess, anyways. When I write down this craving here, in words...I see how idiotic the reason to drink sounds. If I picked up again, it would be strong booze. See, why do I keep doing this....I need to protect my sobriety.

Hang in shovelhead. I get urges out of the blue to drink too, and know it would be stupid. Keep posting if you get an urge, I find it helps.

splitimage

Yeah I might do that. I'm just so unmotivated lately.

I want to build my understanding of the world with life experience.

But imma not buy drugs. I've decided not to - My mom is actually being responsible right now and mentally stable so I don't feel the need to escape.

You seem to have good insight. Hang in there.

Another day sober, thanks to the support of many people including you all. Thank you for my sobriety! I'm sorry you are struggling Shovelhead, I made it through a rough patch like that. I meditated, went to 90 meetings in 90 days, and sought support and it was okay. It's scary going through it though.

Yesterday I passed the 50 day clean mark! Today's been one of the worst recently with urges (though nowhere near as bad as those first couple weeks). I'll get through

Congratulations on hitting 50 days. That's big. Keep it up - you can do this.

splitimage

I get to day two sober and then I drink again. Ugh.

I do not think I’d survive if I got taken off my Xanax. I think the withdrawals would be so bad that I’d just waste away and stop eating and stop sleeping and everything. It’s so bad I plan on sticking with my current Pdoc when I move 3 hours away just because he gives it to me with no questions asked. And increases it without me asking him to.

I have three different addictions: alcohol, technology, and some sort of eating problem. Sobriety from alcohol is going well now since it's been years, but I don't want to get complacent. My technology addiction is the most severe, I'm here so I don't really know, I looked at video games today in the apps store on my Mac, so It could be better. My eating problem is getting better, but I had a forbidden food at a restaurant.

Don't be discouraged little earthquakes, I kept relapsing until one day someone said something to me that hit a cord and I got sober. You just have to go to enough support groups to see past the relapse and see why you are relapsing.

About once a week, there's a day where I take an extra 30mg of Vyvanse (For a total of 90mg during that day).

How much of a problem is this? I only do it when I am to take a larger phenibut dose (I'm trying to quit phenibut but it's hard). I'll have to tell my doctor about this slight abuse.

I only like both together - Phenibut (Mood) and Vyvanse (Focus).

I'm in a lot of mental pain and I would be able to tolerate the pain if people weren't so worried about me due to my mental illness. I become suicidal and such.

So when I get the Invega Trinza injection tomorrow, it will be easier to taper off of the phenibut.

I've been taking small amounts of psilocybin mushrooms and ordered kratom to take because no one listens to me - Really.. I have negative symptoms of schizophrenia and they love giving me antipsychotics - Which can cause brain damage.

I'm just doing what I have to do. My mom still drinks a bottle of wine every evening - My sister is going to leave. There's so much uncertainty in the world. I can't relax. I'm not taking benzos as much as I used to.

I get scared of myself when I'm unstable. I never get manic and never have been - Just apathetic agitated depression. I thought about buying MDMA because it helped me last time.

My mom takes a lot of vitamins so I thought that it would be ok and since I take meds, the rules of quitting everything completely doesn't seem logical. I also have been reading books and listening to podcasts about the drug war and addiction - And I have conflicting thoughts. No one has empathy for anyone it seems. People are so judgmental, dismissive, in denial, takes things out of context, doesn't know what is real.

Where is the love. I have no love in this world and never really did.