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Desoxyn
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Desoxyn We are one mind
 
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Default Jul 16, 2020 at 09:50 PM
  #1
I’m drinking a coffee right now. The caffeine will kick in and maybe jump start this. I have thoughts about taking an extra Vyvanse but I’ll be up all night and need to wake up early for work in the morning. Have to be responsible right?

There’s many people that have died when they didn’t need to die during those moments. For some reason, I’m still alive. I know God is real but I don’t really believe in God. I’m also an atheist - Kind of hard to explain. I should have been dead many times over. People commit suicide. I’m still in a form of slow suicide. I’m not really clean right now.

At the times I should have died, I feel like the timeline of reality just carried on with me - And I went to hell which is my current reality. Sometimes I can feel good - But mostly while self medicating.

I try not to glorify my drug use. I remember in rehab, I was talking about alcohol and my experiences and one woman said “You’re glorifying” which made me really upset because what does it matter? Alcohol to me seems the most glorified boring drug - But people like it. People kill pain with it. It’s like society makes a realm for people to buy into just to fit in - Like sex for example. People think they’re not attractive enough and want to be with someone that is more attractive than them? Idk. I just find the whole thing meaningless.

Maybe I’m not in the right mindset to write. I’m gonna wait for the caffeine to kick in and then continue. I might continue until this thread goes up to 100 pages. I’m listening to rap about addiction right now playing on the loudspeaker. My mom has neglected me emotionally - Although she’s done that all of my life. She praises me over little things - And I’m glad that she doesn’t vent to me about her problems like other neglectful mothers do. I sometimes wish I knew more about her. A lot of the reason I’ve used was because of neglect, abuse, trauma - Also most importantly, I have an interest in pharmacology. My interests are really generalized and I’m somewhat intelligent and now because of psychedelics, I’ve become extremely open minded.

I just want this thread to be dry as possible and non-glorifying of drugs. Because maybe that’s what I need. I’m too over excited about things and too playful. I have a dissociative persona that I escape into to stop feeling pain. But I want to be real.

More to come when the coffee kicks in or tomorrow after work when I get to take another Vyvanse and I’m able to focus..
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sarahsweets
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Default Jul 17, 2020 at 01:48 AM
  #2
So far it doesnt seem to me like you are glorifying anything.

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Desoxyn
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Default Dec 12, 2020 at 06:02 PM
  #3
I was gonna treat myself with phenibut-extra vyvanse tomorrow after I get a good sleep tonight and be productive etc, I took them today. So they just have to kick in.

I've been feeling really unmotivated today even. I went to bed early to avoid life and I couldn't sleep because of possible phenibut withdrawal... So I took 3x 1/2 zopiclone, 2x 1/2 clonazepam and one alprazolam. I can't keep doing this.

I wish there was something prescribed that my psychiatrist or doctor could prescribe for me long term (2-5 years) to increase focus and mood.

That's why I might try microdosing psychedelic. It has negative side effects though such as depersonalization, worsening of OCD and anxiety, uncomfortable physical irritability etc..

So I'm gonna talk about all of this stuff when I see my psychiatrist on the 21st. He's a really good psychiatrist - Best I've ever met. He's the one that prescribed olanzepine which killed my DP/DP HPPD dissociative psychedelic flashback panic attacks...

For now I'm gonna write 2-4 things to do today with breaks and attempt to complete - Now that I'm in a better mood.

----------------

I'm too aware at this point. I feel good - Also sad.. About meaning.

There will be a lot of problems for me on the road ahead. I just don't want to become mentally handicapped with all of this information and reality in general. I seem ok now.

I don't know exactly what to do with my memories of psychiatric medications and psychoactive substances.

I think about mindfulness but why am I so much better at meditating on ADHD meds? And I'm addicted to music.. I would love to be a musician.. If I felt not so apathetic and anhedonic all of the time.

I feel like schizophrenia negative symptoms make me want to take something to feel better + the mild autism makes me obsess over them, keep logs of what I'm taking, write journals on how I feel.

My bad psychedelic trip made me more cautious/careful with the chemicals that I take.

-----------

And here's some idea from what I wrote a few days ago;

My focus is good. I might realize that my interests in psychoactive chemicals are taboo and have no one to talk about them with.

Science and the material world, shamanism, mental health, morality, philosophy, intelligence, reality, suffering, nostalgia, escapism, realization and awareness, society, missing out on life from ages 12-20, love for life, being manipulated,.. time and space... consciousness, technology, mathematics, language.. The list goes on and one.

I should stop caring and just continue living... There's not much wrong with me anymore....... I just can't seem to articulate or properly express myself and explain my vision.

I could just keep going down this rabbit hole and ignore the news and what's going on with the world. There will always be war and bs, poverty, discrimination, culture changes, censorship, unfairness...

I just need to find the right meds and I don't think I ever will. My natural state is DOWN (Apathy, anhedonia, depression, tiredness/exhaustion, poverty of speech/writing, dysphoria) and what goes UP (Stimulation, ecstasy, empathy, living, being yourself, euphoria) has to go back DOWN. The connection between these two is spirituality maybe.. Meditation, mindfulness, content, calmness, acceptance, love, connection, etc...

I did complete no.1. reading Now no.2 is podcasts.. I'm thinking of listening to "Psychedelic Salon Podcasts"..

I have been bookmarking a lot of stuff and not reading them - So I have a lot of goodies/websites to read through one day...

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So yeah.. I wrote things down to do but music is good just not good enough. And I neglect a lot of the responsibilities that I make for myself because they aren't good enough either.

Although the state I'm in is good but not good enough. I want my cognition to be better. My main goal is to prevent my mind from deteriorating and I never even knew anything about that when I was younger. It's like I'm realizing a lot of things now that are too late to implement and extremely difficult now - But that seems to be the point in faith of it all.
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