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MsLady
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Default Nov 07, 2020 at 04:28 PM
  #1
I'm interested in learning more about the long term effects from drug addictions.

My partner was a crack cocaine addict and is now 7 years clean. He went into rehab prior to our relationship. We've been together for 6 years. I don't think he was honest about that time frame when we first started dating.

Anyway, we've been dealing with codependency issues and a member here spoke about how addictions can stunt a person's maturity level. There's definitely been a lot of friction around needing to fulfill his emotional needs, fill his bucket, and "parent" him.

It's true I've felt like his therapist, his financial advisor, his life coach.. and lately, a parent, too. We're in our 40s and have very young children and it's not my responsibility to care for his inner child.

I guess I'm looking for advice on how to tailor my own behaviours so I'm not triggering something that is out of my control, causing a ripple effect that impacts my children and I.

Someone mentioned "cross talking" and I'd never heard of it before. I now get it's used in CoDA/AA meetings, to provide a non-judgmental and safe platform for recovering addicts to speak. It also says this "no cross talk" rule can be applied in day to day life.

I am very angry at him for a host of damaging reasons. So when trying to understand cross talk, I feel my frustrations have impacted my communication style towards him and it's important for my children that I address that.

I've also been interested in taking the Non-Violence Communication course.. perhaps as a couple, but due to his covert abusive tendencies, I'm not sure if it's a good idea to involve him or if it would be great if he did.
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Default Nov 07, 2020 at 08:46 PM
  #2
Dear MsLady,

That sounds like such an incredibly stressful and distressing situation. I wish I had some advice to offer, but sadly I simply lack the knowledge, experience and insight. Since this site has so many members, I truly hope that helpful advice will come your way. The whole situation you describe sounds so heartbreaking but I feel powerless to help. So very, very sorry. I sure hope that things work out!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Thanks for this!
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Default Nov 08, 2020 at 05:56 AM
  #3
Have you ever considered going to an Al-Anon or a Nar-Anon meeting. There specifically for the partners of alcoholics/addicts. Even though your partner has been clean for a good chunk of time, it sounds like he's still exhibiting addictive behaviour and either group would help you to understand and figure out how to deal with his behaviour.

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Cross talk
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Thanks for this!
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Default Nov 08, 2020 at 06:27 AM
  #4
there is maybe adhd and other issue behind is past meth issue . also sadly cocain and speed drugs really leave an imprint in brain proper function.... even caffeine make people less agreeable. i know, i done it all.

adhd, bordeline , and other test on this site may reveal areas to be understood and work on.
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MsLady
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Default Nov 08, 2020 at 11:47 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by splitimage View Post
Have you ever considered going to an Al-Anon or a Nar-Anon meeting. There specifically for the partners of alcoholics/addicts. Even though your partner has been clean for a good chunk of time, it sounds like he's still exhibiting addictive behaviour and either group would help you to understand and figure out how to deal with his behaviour.
I'm limited to what I can do.. particularly with covid19. I definitely think he has addictive behaviours and I'm sinking.

The other day he mentioned he's a compulsive liar and not a pathological liar.. the difference being the compulsive liars can stop. He blames all of his lying habits to his codependency issues.. always wanting to "please" others and "do the right thing". It doesn't feel like that's what's going on. I don't know how he could tell he's NOT a pathological liar.. I don't know, either.

His bottom line is that my perception is just skewd. He's trying his best and working on being more assertive with me since he thinks I have power over him. I don't see him asserting himself. I see a pattern of covert abuse. He has convinced others around us that I'm the problem.. and they'd believe a self-proclaimed compulsive liar? I find that confusing.. but then, no one hears my story. They only hear his interpretation of what concerns I've expressed.

I feel permanently unsettled and worried. So I'm trying to understand how to work with some of this in a more positive way to protect my girls and I. So far, I'm failing at it.
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