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katlover98
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 01:15 PM
  #1
Hey,
About 3 years ago I started amphetamines and now it's been an addiction for about 2 years. I used to take it everyday, 1 to 5 pills. There are terrible side effects, like depression, lack of motivation, anxiety, psychotic thoughts, etc. I stopped 2 times, and the last time that I stopped I was so sure that I would never touch that again. I stopped December til tuesday this week.

The thing is, my boyfriend also have a problem with that substance. Last time we stopped together in December I was so sure that this time was the right time. But he started doing it again, Monday this week. I told him that it was not a good idea but he just won't listen.. but it's hard not to touch it when somebody I live with, take it.. Also when we're taking this drug our relationship doesn't go so well. He was violent with me a few times and our relationship was toxic. (But when we weren't taking it everything was ok)
I just feel so lost. I'm really not proud of me and I feel so sad because I thought that I will never touch it again. Everyday since Tuesday I tell myself I won't take one, but I always loose the battle. And it's always because it's right in front of me and my boyfriend does it.. I tried talking to him that it's no good for him and for us but he doesn't understand. I think that when you really want to stop you have to do it for yourself first so that's why he's not listening to me. I've told my mother that my boyfriend is on drugs again but I lied about myself. I told her that I'm doing it again, so I feel desperate. I can't keep on lying to family and lying to others.. I just want a normal life. I've lost so many years of my life because I did drugs and I'm not where I wanted to be at this age. (I'm 22). Also yesterday I took the subway and I had severe anxiety because of that, thinking that everybody was looking at me and scared that someone would talk to me. I also had an appointment with my social worker and everytime he asked me a question, I freezed and I couldn't process what he was saying. My brain litteraly can't take it anymore. I need help but I just don't know what to do, I feel so sad.

I wanted to write this here because I have no one to talk to about my addiction. And everytime I try to talk to someone about it, I'm scared that they'll judge me. Even my social worker.
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 03:46 PM
  #2
hI @katlover98 - welcome to MySupportForums. I am sorry you had a relapse, but you identified a very important point: "but it's hard not to touch it when somebody I live with, take it" Would it be possible to stay with relatives and go into some kind of rehab program? Narcotics Anonymous is one that some people find helpful

Glad you joined the community here. Hope you get the support you are looking for.

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Thanks for this!
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Default Feb 12, 2021 at 04:05 PM
  #3
I'm sorry you relapsed & that your boyfriend has fallen into the grips of his addiction again. I'm a recovering alcoholic who has relapsed in the past. If we're addicts, no matter what our substance of choice is, the substance remembers our name. My battle takes place a day at a time. There's always the promise of a clean tomorrow & the possibility I'll die with continuous sobriety (winning the war).

Addiction is a disease. No one should judge you if you decide you want to ask for help, or just vent. Please feel free to post here whenever you feel the need. I doubt anyone will judge you since they probably understand. I certainly do.
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Default Feb 21, 2021 at 04:34 AM
  #4
Hey Kat, really sorry to hear about your pain. It's got to be tough right now. The moderator is right about getting away from those using and offering temptation to use. I earned the name in AA "Concert _____" because I said in a meeting I was at a concert so I drank, instead I drank because I wanted to drink. That's meant as a little incentive to try and get yourself away from those using and offering temptation. If it's possible. I don't judge anybody because I know what it feels like inside you to have an addiction or especially in a craving. No one should be judged for succumbing. Buddha is right 100% Take it a day at a time and make smart decisions each day about what's best. I wish someone had told me point blank the number 1 priority above anything when trying to get sober or just suffering, be brave and reach out for support all the time. No.1 You're doing it right now. Congrats on that.

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