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Old 04-07-2021, 08:17 AM   #1
unpolar
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Default Becoming too dependant on alcohol

Hi...

I'm not sure how to describe what my problem is. Maybe I'm overthinking and it's no problem at all.
I turned 18 last year and around that time I developed depression, because of a difficult relationship with my father mostly and some other stuff like financial struggles and isolation due to corona.
I was never interested in alcohol because I never liked the taste and I like being in control and not risk doing something stupid. Unfortunately I still figured out that when I'm depressed and agitated alcohol helps me calm down and not feel as bad. So in the last ten months I went from rarely drinking at all to drinking a bottle of vodka a week, sometimes two.
This freaks me out because any kind of regular drinking seems unhealthy to me. Even if I rarely drink enough to actually get drunk I still get a bad feeling because I've gotten so used to drinking regularly.
I CAN go without alcohol for several days (doing it right now) but I just don't like it. If I don't drink I judy feel even more depressed and every time something happens I just want to numb myself.
I don't know how to go on from here because alcohol is the only thing that helps me relax a little bit these days but I know that I risk becoming dependent if I don't stop. I know I wouldn't drink if I weren't so depressed and I had hoped that this depressive phase would go away eventually but it's been almost a year and no improvement whatsoever.

Last edited by splitimage; 04-11-2021 at 02:58 AM..
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Old 04-07-2021, 09:48 PM   #2
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Default Re: Becoming to dependant on alcohol

I noticed this is your first post. Welcome!

You're a very wise young person. It took me a very long time to realize that I had issues with alcohol. In my case, I discovered that I'm an alcoholic, & quit drinking altogether. As I'm sure you're aware, however, there are many people whose alcohol use has intensified during the pandemic. Recognizing that you're on a risky path might be enough to help you slow down.

I lived in Dresden for three years, & still watch Deutsche Welle English on YouTube & check the FAZ so I can keep up with things over there. Your Covid numbers are up & you folks are locked down tight! Plus, the AstraZeneca problems are preventing you from getting vaccines. These factors must be very frustrating! In addition, living under your father's roof at the your age can't be easy.

I don't know how much of your depression is due to the situation you find yourself in, & how much might be other factors, but self-medication with alcohol is tricky. While it's easy to think it's easing your symptoms, it's actually a depressant. It might be making your depression worse. Have you considered seeing a counselor? If things there are anything like they are in the USA, it might take some time to get an appointment, but it might be helpful. Also, you might ask your family doctor to prescribe an anti-depressant to see if that helps. These are just a few thoughts.

While I stopped drinking many years ago, I still have fond memories of the taste of Schwarzbier (especially Eibauer). I didn't like what alcohol did to me, though. You are very lucky that you recognize you're having issues now, rather than later. And who knows? This might just be a passing phase. Keep posting to let us know how you are doing. Bleib gesund!
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Old 04-08-2021, 06:11 AM   #3
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Default Re: Becoming to dependant on alcohol

Hi unpolar,

Welcome. As the previous poster said, it's great that you're thinking about your drinking at an early age.


I drank for a lot of years, for some of the same issues you mentioned, depression and wanting to numb my feelings, and I became a really bad full blown alcoholic and lost just about everything. I really wish I had stopped a lot earlier.

It's worth talking to a Dr. about your depression, to see if meds can help, but remember any med will be less effective if you're still drinking as alcohol is a depressant. You might also benefit from speaking with an addictions counsellor if possible - sorry don't know how your health system works.

I know stopping is hard, but honestly quitting drinking is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm a lot happier, and my life is going better.

Please keep posting to let us know how it's going.

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Becoming too dependant on alcohol



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Old 04-08-2021, 09:01 AM   #4
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Trig Re: Becoming to dependant on alcohol

Hello and thank you for your kind replies!

Luckily I have moved away from my father a few months ago so at least I don't have to deal with the constant insults and belittling anymore.
I actually thought my depression would get better after moving out but it didn't. It's probably at least partly due to being isolated and alone most of the time. Just this morning I worked up the courage to ask a friend if they would like to meet up some time. I haven't seen them in months. Got no reply so far and as much as I try to not let it affect me it just makes me want to
Possible trigger:
Some days I just can't stop the bad thoughts. One bad thing happens and my brain becomes a nibwfidkdand no matter where my thoughts go everything reminds me of something bad that happened or a situation where I felt mistreated.
My ex doctor prescribed me an antidepressant that's supposed to help me sleep. The dose he prescribed me does nothing. I've abused this medication by mixing it with alcohol. I know it's pathetic but it helps.
I'm just tired of everything because I tried and tried for years to do my own thing and to not let my parents' indifference get me down but there just doesn't seem to be a point in even trying because I get rejected time after time and no one actually cares and I know everyone thinks of me as a useless waste of space and I'm tired of pretending that I don't care.

I know self medicating is supposedly bad yet I am not sure if I even want to stop because I'm just tired of everything and some days (most days actually) I just want to stop thinking.

Last edited by bluekoi; 04-08-2021 at 10:52 AM.. Reason: Add trigger icon. Apply trigger code. Edit method of abuse.
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Old 04-08-2021, 04:04 PM   #5
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Default Re: Becoming to dependant on alcohol

It's obvious you're in a lot of pain right now. I'm not a therapist or a psychiatrist, but it seems your biggest problem right now is the depression. The fact you're not sure you want to stop drinking despite the fact you know it might be harmful sends a serious signal. Both splitimage & I have pointed out that alcohol is a depressant, but one issue that hasn't been raised yet is the fact that alcohol lowers our inhibitions. I've tried to harm myself in the past while drunk. I don't know how I lived through these bouts, but I did somehow. Many people don't survive to tell such tales. I'm convinced they were attempts that wouldn't have been made if alcohol wasn't in the picture. You're young, & I wish you nothing but happiness in the future.

Covid has shut Germany down cold. Are you sure your friend didn't get back with you because he/she is being careful due to the pandemic? I think you're possibly letting depression make assumptions for you. Depression & alcohol are very tricky that way. There are many possible explanations. Hang in there. The pandemic has been a hard time...isolation isn't good for one's mental health. At least you're trying to reach out here, & I hope you continue doing so. Alles gute.
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Old 04-08-2021, 04:27 PM   #6
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Default Re: Becoming to dependant on alcohol

I think alcohol works different for me than most people.. alcohol actually helps me to not harm myself. Because I did.. just a few times. I was very sober each time. When I'm sober and feel bad I get self destructive because I don't know how to express the negativity so I take it out on myself. Drinking helps me calm down.

I thought depressive episodes get better on their own eventually but it doesn't. I've been feeling this way for almost a year. I know there's a lot of bad feelings that I'm holding onto and a lot of disappointment in my parents and hurt because of **** they did. I know I need to let go of that. Holding on to bad memories won't make my life better. But I can't stop. I can't let go of thinking about how unfair it is. It took me a long time to realise that a lot of what my father did might qualify as emotional abuse and that whst my mother did is borderline neglect. I spent my childhood and teenage years up until now trying to not let it get to me, just kept focusing on turning 18 and finishing school and getting out. Instead it just all fell apart and I crashed right into full-blown depression.
I just can't imagine if ever getting better. It's probably the depression speaking.. but does it make a difference? I'm tired. There isn't really anything for me to look forward to, no goal or anything. Just one day after another. I'm tired
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Old 04-08-2021, 05:05 PM   #7
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Default Re: Becoming to dependant on alcohol

Obviously something would need to be done to address your underlying issue but that's usually a long term project.

I think it's positive you're aware of the dangers of addiction and I think the best way to go about it would be to slowly limit more and more your alcohol consumption. You may have already developed some level of dependency, whether mental or physical, so quitting outright mixed with the underlying issues may be too much. But slowly getting off of it may be much more viable.

Of course you would likely need some sort of accountability partner to help you keep yourself honest about it.
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Old 04-09-2021, 07:39 AM   #8
unpolar
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Trig Re: Becoming to dependant on alcohol

I can manage without alcohol but I hate it. Last night I was really depressed so I drank to not feel as much. Was the first time in a week or so. Doesn't mean I was feeling ok on the other days though. Still felt like ****.
So I guess the good thing is that I'm not actually dependant on it, it's just that on most days I can't find a reason to not drink because it doesn't seem to make anything better for me.
I seem to have become unable to handle any sort of strong emotion. And anything evokes a strong emotion right now. Today someone got annoyed with me because I misunderstood something. Now I can't wait to get home so I can
Possible trigger:

I lost all my motivation and positive outlook on the future and I don't have any support. I just whine about how bad I feel online until everyone gets pissed off and then I leave and look for a new place where I do the same thing. Just letting you know that I do this so you all might want to reconsider replying to me because apparently I'm a lost cause who is too whiny and lazy to actually do something to feel better.

Last edited by CANDC; 04-09-2021 at 09:28 AM.. Reason: add trigger cofe
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Old 04-09-2021, 11:54 AM   #9
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Default Re: Becoming to dependant on alcohol

For the record, I never really drank every day. In my case it was a matter of quantities when I did drink...& the things I did while drunk. I think the reasons cited to justify drinking might be added to the equation, too.

This is an online support community, unpolar. There's no need to feel you're whining. There are other sections on the boards which might be useful in addition to posting here. There's one section where people post about depression. Also, have you ever researched borderline personality disorder? Just a thought given some of the things you've shared here. Hang in there & keep posting.
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Old 04-10-2021, 08:15 AM   #10
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Default Re: Becoming to dependant on alcohol

Quote:
Originally Posted by buddha1too View Post
For the record, I never really drank every day. In my case it was a matter of quantities when I did drink...& the things I did while drunk. I think the reasons cited to justify drinking might be added to the equation, too.

This is an online support community, unpolar. There's no need to feel you're whining. There are other sections on the boards which might be useful in addition to posting here. There's one section where people post about depression. Also, have you ever researched borderline personality disorder? Just a thought given some of the things you've shared here. Hang in there & keep posting.
I am very sure that I "just" have depression and not borderline personality disorder. But I'm wondering what makes you suspect that? Because I cut myself sometimes?
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