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Junior Member
Member Since Aug 2023
Location: USA
Posts: 19
1 |
#1
possible trigger I guess this is where I should start. I could post in just about any forum on here, but this is where I should be now. And I guess that knowing that is something, and a good thing. Seeing as I'm still knew I won't go too much into my past. I guess addictions sums up most of my "stuff", thought it's been called a bunch of other things. Self injury, attachment issues, secret keeping, eating disorders. And now.....drinking. way to much drinking. I've had a small issue with drinking since college (btw- that was a long time ago!). When I drank I tended to partake just a bit to much. But that didn't seem all that bad, because it wasn't often. Then about 10 years ago, that not too often became once a week. There is more to that once a week thing, but I'm gonna save that for when I'm a little more comfortable here. Then, and I can tell you exactly when- Feb 18, 2022 it became a big problem. Though as with all things of this nature- I didn't see that until much later. That was the Friday before February vacation. It had been a really tough year at work, and so with excitement for a weeks vacation, I left work, and bought a 12 pack of Truly. It was gone that day. Then I bought more on Saturday, and every day of that vacation. It was vacation right? But then, I just kept going. Around New years I told myself I would cut down after the Holidays. But well, yeah, that didn't happen obviously. I did have 10 good days (yup- just the 10), and it was amazing. I went on a trip across the country. I hiked Zion Canyon, Bryce Canyon, Grand Canyon (all the way to the bottom, stayed down there for two nights, and then all the way back up). We had a celebration dinner that night at the top, and I had one glass of wine. That was the only alcohol I had that whole trip. I felt great when I returned home. 10 days with nothing but fresh air, and exercise. That lasted all of three days I think. then I was back to smoking, and drinking. and that's been every day since. Some days I have 6, some days 12. It didn't really dawn on me that it was a big problem until Summer vacation started. My memory all of a sudden just sucked. I started getting muscle spasms (bottomed out my magnesium). But the biggest sign was one afternoon, at around 1 pm when I had finished my last 5 beers. Of course I thought about going to get more. But I didn't. It all of a sudden hit me that it was only 1pm, I was a little drunk, and I had been sitting on my porch by myself drinking, and I felt like crap. So I told myself - ok, time to cut down. Every day I planned to not go out and buy something. I made it a day a few times. but never more. I kept telling myself starting today. Then when that didn't happen, I said, well, I'll start Sunday, the start of the week will make a difference. Then would drink the rest of the week- cause, I had till Sunday. But there have been a lot of Sundays since summer vacation started. I don't know what I would call this....problem drinking.....the start of a problem....the "A" word. But I need to change. I'm not happy, my health is being affected, and I feel guilty, and just tired. I Have not had a drink today. And that is good- even though I have a massive headache! My plan is to not drink tomorrow. That's as far as I can plan right now, because I seem to not do so well with long term plans. So today (which thank god is almost over). Then tomorrow. That's it for now. I hope you are all well, and lots of care if you're not. Red. |
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Moderator
Community Support Team Member Since Mar 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 11,449
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#2
Hi Red,,
Good job on thinking about your drinking and recognizing that it's causing problems in your life. I can completely relate. I started writing in my journal in early 2002 that I had a problem with drinking and that I'd start next weekend. But when the weekend came, I'd always drink. It took me 3 years to get help, and even then I continued to drink periodically so I get it. I've been sober now for almost 5 years, and honestly getting sober was the best thing I've ever done for myself. It wasn't easy but so worth it. I'd encourage you to seek out IRL support - there's AA, SMART Recovery, and Women for Sobriety if you're female. In person support was invaluable to me. Good luck. |
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Junior Member
Member Since Aug 2023
Location: USA
Posts: 19
1 |
#3
Hi splitimage!
Thanks for all your words of support and encouragement. And super congrats on 5 years! That’s really something to be proud of. I would love to reach out for irl support. Just not sure how I’d do that at this point- which is why I started here. I think most people can relate to the “ it’s complicated”. And that’s how it feels right now. But I’m working on it. At least in my head, if not out loud. But thank you for reaching out. It actually means a lot. Red |
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