where I am/trying to get better

possible trigger





I guess this is where I should start. I could post in just about any forum on here, but this is where I should be now. And I guess that knowing that is something, and a good thing.

Seeing as I'm still knew I won't go too much into my past. I guess addictions sums up most of my "stuff", thought it's been called a bunch of other things. Self injury, attachment issues, secret keeping, eating disorders. And now.....drinking. way to much drinking.

I've had a small issue with drinking since college (btw- that was a long time ago!). When I drank I tended to partake just a bit to much. But that didn't seem all that bad, because it wasn't often. Then about 10 years ago, that not too often became once a week. There is more to that once a week thing, but I'm gonna save that for when I'm a little more comfortable here. Then, and I can tell you exactly when- Feb 18, 2022 it became a big problem. Though as with all things of this nature- I didn't see that until much later.

That was the Friday before February vacation. It had been a really tough year at work, and so with excitement for a weeks vacation, I left work, and bought a 12 pack of Truly. It was gone that day. Then I bought more on Saturday, and every day of that vacation. It was vacation right? But then, I just kept going.

Around New years I told myself I would cut down after the Holidays. But well, yeah, that didn't happen obviously. I did have 10 good days (yup- just the 10), and it was amazing. I went on a trip across the country. I hiked Zion Canyon, Bryce Canyon, Grand Canyon (all the way to the bottom, stayed down there for two nights, and then all the way back up). We had a celebration dinner that night at the top, and I had one glass of wine. That was the only alcohol I had that whole trip. I felt great when I returned home. 10 days with nothing but fresh air, and exercise. That lasted all of three days I think. then I was back to smoking, and drinking. and that's been every day since. Some days I have 6, some days 12.

It didn't really dawn on me that it was a big problem until Summer vacation started. My memory all of a sudden just sucked. I started getting muscle spasms (bottomed out my magnesium). But the biggest sign was one afternoon, at around 1 pm when I had finished my last 5 beers. Of course I thought about going to get more. But I didn't. It all of a sudden hit me that it was only 1pm, I was a little drunk, and I had been sitting on my porch by myself drinking, and I felt like crap. So I told myself - ok, time to cut down.

Every day I planned to not go out and buy something. I made it a day a few times. but never more. I kept telling myself starting today. Then when that didn't happen, I said, well, I'll start Sunday, the start of the week will make a difference. Then would drink the rest of the week- cause, I had till Sunday. But there have been a lot of Sundays since summer vacation started.

I don't know what I would call this....problem drinking.....the start of a problem....the "A" word. But I need to change. I'm not happy, my health is being affected, and I feel guilty, and just tired. I Have not had a drink today. And that is good- even though I have a massive headache! My plan is to not drink tomorrow. That's as far as I can plan right now, because I seem to not do so well with long term plans. So today (which thank god is almost over). Then tomorrow.

That's it for now. I hope you are all well, and lots of care if you're not.

Red.

Hi Red,,

Good job on thinking about your drinking and recognizing that it's causing problems in your life.


I can completely relate. I started writing in my journal in early 2002 that I had a problem with drinking and that I'd start next weekend. But when the weekend came, I'd always drink. It took me 3 years to get help, and even then I continued to drink periodically so I get it.


I've been sober now for almost 5 years, and honestly getting sober was the best thing I've ever done for myself. It wasn't easy but so worth it.


I'd encourage you to seek out IRL support - there's AA, SMART Recovery, and Women for Sobriety if you're female. In person support was invaluable to me.

Good luck.

Hi splitimage!

Thanks for all your words of support and encouragement. And super congrats on 5 years! That’s really something to be proud of.

I would love to reach out for irl support. Just not sure how I’d do that at this point- which is why I started here. I think most people can relate to the “ it’s complicated”. And that’s how it feels right now. But I’m working on it. At least in my head, if not out loud.

But thank you for reaching out. It actually means a lot.

Red