Should I say something?

Travelinglady · Dec 02, 2023 at 01:57 AM

I've been encouraging my adult son not to drink. When we got together for Thanksgiving, he didn't drink at all. Should I say something like give him a compliment or not? Thanks!

(Alcoholism runs on my husband's and my families.)

walkingthecow · Dec 02, 2023 at 04:54 AM

These are just my opinions found through my own experiences.

I think a few more questions should be thought about------Does he want to quit drinking? Is it causing problems in his life? Things like that. How does he react when you encourage him not to drink? Positively or negatively?

I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer. Basically, he will have to decide and when the time comes, hopefully, he has a good support system.

I'm trying to reconstruct my life after many years of drinking and isolating. I'm an introvert so I thought I found the solution to "fitting in" because I could be more outgoing when I was drinking, yada, yada, yada.....not a good solution for me.

Maybe someone with more experience can help you with an answer but that is what I can think of off the top of my head.

I hope everything works out okay.

MuddyBoots · Dec 02, 2023 at 05:45 AM

Everybody's different, but I'll tell you as an alcoholic if I went through a family function without drinking and someone commented on it my first thought would be "What you didn't think I couldn't" and then I would proceed to go back to my old ways because that's how everyone looks at me and no matter how hard I try I'll probably never change their mind or repay the debts (monetarily and otherwise) I owe them.

divine1966 · Dec 02, 2023 at 06:47 AM

I’d not say anything unless he says “mom look I didn’t drink”or wants to start conversations about drinking.

People don’t stop drinking because someone told them to. If he’s trying to stop because he came to that conclusion, it might not be a good idea to draw attention to it.

But it could also be that he didn’t stop drinking but just didn’t drink in front of you at the event. People with drinking problems get creative with hiding their drinking if they are tired to hear others talking about it. Then congratulating him is pointless, if that’s the case.

Have you tried Al Anon? As much as we wanted to, we cannot stop anyone from doing anything, especially when it comes to substance abuse.

splitimage · Dec 02, 2023 at 08:54 AM

I think it depends. If he is actively trying to stop or not drink, and has shared that goal with you, then a light, "I noticed you didn't drink on Thanksgiving, way to go" might be ok.

But if he hasn't told you he's trying to stop / stay stopped, then I wouldn't mention it as I think it would make me feel more insecure, like maybe I was being monitored.

That being said, I really appreciated the family support I got when I was trying to quit. What that looked like, was my brother congratulating me when I got through milestones without drinking, but I raised the milestone with him. He also let me vent when I was struggling with cravings. And he was totally non judgemental when I relapsed, he just encouraged me to get back on the wagon. And this was most important to me, he told me he was proud of me, when I hit milestones.

Travelinglady · Dec 02, 2023 at 01:23 PM

Thanks to you all. I was thinking I shouldn't say anything.

unaluna · Dec 02, 2023 at 01:34 PM

Wise woman. I had this same argument oh i mean discussion with my mother about my brother. I could not convince her to "shutty", as the King of Queens used to say! Later in life she told me i "always did the wrong thing".

Open Eyes · Dec 05, 2023 at 11:50 PM

@Travelinglady there is a good very informative documentary that I recently happened across on YouTube called “Wasted”. This documentary explains the science behind alcoholism and how certain individuals are prone to developing a problem. They discovered these individual have fewer dopamine receptors in their brains and yes that’s hereditary. They now have medications that are very affective at stopping the cravings and that can help someone finally stay sober and live a healthier life.

It’s the best documentary I have seen so it’s worth searching for it to watch.

It’s called “ wasted” and it’s directed by Maureen Palmer.

MuddyBoots · Dec 06, 2023 at 12:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

@Travelinglady there is a good very informative documentary that I recently happened across on YouTube called “Wasted”. This documentary explains the science behind alcoholism and how certain individuals are prone to developing a problem. They discovered these individual have fewer dopamine receptors in their brains and yes that’s hereditary. They now have medications that are very affective at stopping the cravings and that can help someone finally stay sober and live a healthier life.

It’s the best documentary I have seen so it’s worth searching for it to watch.

It’s called “ wasted” and it’s directed by Maureen Palmer.

Can I just say I've tried a couple of those medications and they kinda suck? Naltrexone didn't help me with the cravings it just prevented me from getting drunk/high (opiates) which made me not want to take it, which made me not take it because I was freaking miserable. And Antabuse made me sick if I encountered, say, hand sanitizer or rubbing alcohol or used mouthwash.

[That being said I'm being forced to take Naltrexone as of tomorrow since I drank ONCE recently because it does effectively prevent use of certain substances (someone will literally deliver it to my house every day and watch me take it). I just know my depression is going to increase significantly until I no longer need it as A) that's a side effect B) Losing a coping skill and C) withdrawals (won't get acute withdrawals but do have PAWS).]

/end rant

SpaghettiLegs · Dec 06, 2023 at 03:20 AM

I'm a sober alcoholic and nobody in my family or otherwise has ever said "well done". I think about drinking all the time but somehow don't give in. It would be nice if someone noticed!

Open Eyes · 05:23 AM

@MuddyBoots I don’t recall that documentary mentioning opiate addiction. I think the focus was more on alcohol abuse. I also think that as in the case of the man focused on in the documentary, the medication really helped and his addiction is alcohol. I think it’s important to try it and give it a chance because it does work for some people as in this case the man has his life back.

I think a lot depends on brain wiring as there can be more than one challenge involved with the addiction.

Open Eyes · Dec 06, 2023 at 04:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpaghettiLegs

I'm a sober alcoholic and nobody in my family or otherwise has ever said "well done". I think about drinking all the time but somehow don't give in. It would be nice if someone noticed!

Here in the states there is an AA program and the people in the program that remain active do congratulate and respect the commitment to stay sober. There are a lot of very supportive individuals in the program. When challenges happen and the escape to alcohol urge takes place, they don’t drink, they go to a meeting instead.

Unless a person experiences something first hand, they don’t know how to sympathize and respect.

MuddyBoots · Dec 06, 2023 at 05:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

@MuddyBoots I don’t recall that documentary mentioning opiate addiction. I think the focus was more on alcohol abuse. I also think that as in the case of the man focused on in the documentary, the medication really helped and his addiction is alcohol. I think it’s important to try it and give it a chance because it does work for some people as to n this case the man has his life back.

I think a lot depends on brain wiring as there can be more than one challenge involved with the addiction.

Yeah, but Naltrexone is for opiate addiction as well (and I struggle with both). I know both work (I don't know if there are others), they're just incredibly difficult to keep up compliance with (for me, when Naltrexone feels like a hangover).

Open Eyes · Dec 06, 2023 at 05:37 AM

@MuddyBoots, sounds like you might have an anxiety disorder as well and if you get triggered the drug may curb your drinking but the anxiety you experience wears you out.

There is something that you are addressing when you binge and purge that is separate from your drug/alcohol addiction.

Open Eyes · Dec 06, 2023 at 06:41 AM

I think it’s important to educate from an early age so our youth doesn’t fall into developing the problem in the first place.

For myself, I have had to deal with this disease and the mood swings and selfishness of it all my life. My story is different in that I suffered the consequences of someone else’s drug/alcohol abuse. I know the whole denial game and toxic loop exhibited well so I am not liked by someone who chooses to use/abuse and engage in denial. Plus I have seen how the disease leads to a tragic end.

MuddyBoots · Dec 06, 2023 at 07:00 AM

"Until one day I woke up in a hospital and someone asked me, "What's your problem?" And I said, "I'm an alcoholic and an addict." And he said..."No, that's how you've been treating your problem." I know now I need to find a way to fill this big black hole in me."
-Beautiful Boy

I don't think anyone without some sort of trauma and/or poor mental health besides "just being an addict" ends up abusing any sort of substance. I know my substance use/eating disorder are "side effects" of being raised by a psychopathic addict (or at least close enough seeing as apparently I can't say that since he was never officially diagnosed with aspd because who tf seeks out help for that sorta thing) and developing BPD/PTSD, which yes come with a lot of anxiety. Healthy people don't just have a drink or drug (or self harm/binge/purge for that matter) and say "this feels righter than sobriety" and risk/end their lives, torture and push away their loved ones, and can't focus on anything else.

I think we've taken over this thread haha so that's what I'm going to leave with.

Travelinglady · Dec 06, 2023 at 12:03 PM

Actually, I don't know it my son is an alcoholic. He was drinking a fair amount, though, which is why I was concerned, given our family history.

Thanks for the additional comments.

Bill3 · Dec 15, 2023 at 04:16 AM

@SpaghettiLegs: Well done! Very well done indeed.

Manar Ahmed · Dec 17, 2023 at 03:49 AM

Very well done indeed

Travelinglady · Dec 17, 2023 at 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpaghettiLegs

I'm a sober alcoholic and nobody in my family or otherwise has ever said "well done". I think about drinking all the time but somehow don't give in. It would be nice if someone noticed!

Congratulations, SL! I'm sure that's a challenge.

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Travelinglady Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Sep 2010 Location: North Carolina Posts: 49,167 (SuperPoster!) 14 23.2k hugs given	Dec 02, 2023 at 01:57 AM #1 I've been encouraging my adult son not to drink. When we got together for Thanksgiving, he didn't drink at all. Should I say something like give him a compliment or not? Thanks! (Alcoholism runs on my husband's and my families.)
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Travelinglady Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Sep 2010 Location: North Carolina Posts: 49,167 (SuperPoster!) 14 23.2k hugs given	Dec 02, 2023 at 01:23 PM #6 Thanks to you all. I was thinking I shouldn't say anything.
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unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 40,900 (SuperPoster!) 13 68.7k hugs given	Dec 02, 2023 at 01:34 PM #7 Wise woman. I had this same argument oh i mean discussion with my mother about my brother. I could not convince her to "shutty", as the King of Queens used to say! Later in life she told me i "always did the wrong thing".
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SpaghettiLegs Grand Member Member Since Aug 2023 Location: Netherlands Posts: 753 1 59 hugs given	Dec 06, 2023 at 03:20 AM #10 I'm a sober alcoholic and nobody in my family or otherwise has ever said "well done". I think about drinking all the time but somehow don't give in. It would be nice if someone noticed!
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,251 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.5k hugs given	Dec 06, 2023 at 05:37 AM #14 @MuddyBoots, sounds like you might have an anxiety disorder as well and if you get triggered the drug may curb your drinking but the anxiety you experience wears you out. There is something that you are addressing when you binge and purge that is separate from your drug/alcohol addiction.
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Travelinglady Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Sep 2010 Location: North Carolina Posts: 49,167 (SuperPoster!) 14 23.2k hugs given	Dec 06, 2023 at 12:03 PM #17 Actually, I don't know it my son is an alcoholic. He was drinking a fair amount, though, which is why I was concerned, given our family history. Thanks for the additional comments.
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,945 15 24.1k hugs given	Dec 15, 2023 at 04:16 AM #18 @SpaghettiLegs: Well done! Very well done indeed.
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Manar Ahmed Account Suspended Member Since Dec 2023 Location: Saudi Arabia Posts: 5	Dec 17, 2023 at 03:49 AM #19 Very well done indeed
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