Just found out husband using cocaine

Wings2flyy · Dec 27, 2023, 09:26 PM

I’m sinking so low right now. Blow after blow life gives me.
I have separated from my husband few months ago. He was sorry about things he did and I thought maybe I can give him another chance and find out yesterday that he’s using cocaine and has been addicted to it. Worse of all he’s not admitting, even after a positive drug test.
I don’t know why to do. We’ve been married 20 years. He gives me one betrayal after another. I don’t love him. Care about him bcoz he’s the father of my kids and is family. Wanted to resolve issues for the sake of kids. But what now?
Feeling so so depressed.

CANDC · Dec 27, 2023, 11:07 PM

@Wings2flyy welcome to MSF. I am sorry that you feel betrayed and at the same time want to try to make the relationship work. Have you considered getting a counselor or therapist to help you sort things out. They would get to know you and your situation really well.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. Feel free to post in other forums that may be ones of interest. https://mysupportforums.org/

@CANDC

Nammu · Dec 28, 2023, 12:10 AM

Do you have a therapist for just you. You can’t change him or get him to change. He needs to do that himself. You need to take care of you and decide for yourself what you are willing to accept or not accept in a relationship. Plus if he is actively using you probably don’t want him around the kids.

Tart Cherry Jam · Dec 28, 2023, 01:39 AM

You do not love him. you care about him because he is the father of your kids, but that he can be from a distance and not living in the same home with them, which will be safer for them, most likely. He is family, but you can treat him as a closed member of your family from a safe distance, too.

Do you have financial means to live on your own / with kids, not with him?

divine1966 · Dec 28, 2023, 03:24 AM

If he’s using cocaine, I’d only do supervised visitations. He could come over with you in the house or spend time with the kids with you present, like an hour, play with them and leave. Or it could be court appointed social worker in a neutral place.

I know people who are not bothered about cocaine use. Use themselves and have partners who use. But it’s illegal hard core drug so no it’s not ok. Doesn’t mean drug addicts shouldn’t see their kids when they are sober and test negative. Just never unsupervised until long time past and courts determine he’s clean for a long period of time

Do file for child support though. If he can afford expensive drugs, he can afford to support his children

Wings2flyy · Dec 28, 2023, 11:01 PM

Thank you so much everyone for the supportive words and guidance! I never realized it’s not ok for kids to be around him. My kids are 20,18,15,13. I moved out few months ago but haven’t filed for divorce because he promised to work on his anger issues so I thought maybe give him a chance. But just found out about the cocaine issue.
I’m seeing a therapist but like I said this betrayal just hit me. I realized he’s not willing to work on it and just blames me for everything. It’s just so hard. I was trying to live like a separated family, letting kids live in the family home mostly, but don’t know how I can now with this problem.
I’m so lost and broken.

Wings2flyy · Dec 29, 2023, 11:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Do you have a therapist for just you. You can’t change him or get him to change. He needs to do that himself. You need to take care of you and decide for yourself what you are willing to accept or not accept in a relationship. Plus if he is actively using you probably don’t want him around the kids.

Thank you for your response. I do have a therapist. I’ve come a long way in healing. I went back to college and just got a job.
I never thought kids being around him can be unsafe. He’s fully functional. Running a business. I could never have imagined he’s up to this.

Wings2flyy · Dec 29, 2023, 11:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

You do not love him. you care about him because he is the father of your kids, but that he can be from a distance and not living in the same home with them, which will be safer for them, most likely. He is family, but you can treat him as a closed member of your family from a safe distance, too.

Do you have financial means to live on your own / with kids, not with him?

. Yes I thankfully do and I moved out few months ago. Didn’t even know about this problem then. This is a new revelation. Feels like another blow that I don’t know how to deal with. I building myself. Getting therapy and starting work soon and now this! I don’t know how to handle it all. You tackle one thing and think it’s getting under control and life theories something else at you.
Thank you for you response.

Wings2flyy · Dec 29, 2023, 11:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

If he’s using cocaine, I’d only do supervised visitations. He could come over with you in the house or spend time with the kids with you present, like an hour, play with them and leave. Or it could be court appointed social worker in a neutral place.

I know people who are not bothered about cocaine use. Use themselves and have partners who use. But it’s illegal hard core drug so no it’s not ok. Doesn’t mean drug addicts shouldn’t see their kids when they are sober and test negative. Just never unsupervised until long time past and courts determine he’s clean for a long period of time

Do file for child support though. If he can afford expensive drugs, he can afford to support his children

He’s denying it outright even with a positive test. I can’t help him get clean if he doesn’t admit and/or blames it all on me. Because our marriage was on the rocks, bcoz you left etc. and then he says now I don’t do it. I think add its lose they’re sense of thinking stratight. That I’ll keep denying and no one will know.
I just want to keep my kids out of this. They are at the stage where you worry about them getting into such things. If they see/know there father/role model is doing bad things then I feel it’ll be bad for them. I don’t know how I’ll handle them alone. I’ve never worked. Starting to work at the age of nearly 50. And handling teenage kids. If I take away that adult role from their lives I’ll be left alone to handle it all on my own.
Thank you for your response.

divine1966 · Dec 29, 2023, 01:05 PM

If he tests positive, he’s using it.

Many alcoholics and drug addicts are functioning and hold jobs. But it’s all good until tragedies hit: they drive drunk or high or drugged up with kids in the car and get into accident or set house on fire because they fell asleep high/drunk etc

You are only fully functioning when you have no mind altering substances in you.

I’d honestly go through the court system. You don’t need to be divorced to establish visitations/child support, he will need to attend NA and test periodically etc Keep record of him testing positive and acting irrational etc

Nammu · Dec 29, 2023, 01:21 PM

A good source to learn about people who use is Al Anon or open NA meetings. I went to open NA meetings, I learned and eye opening amount about focusing on me and not him. How not to enable him, how to let him deal with the consequences. I just found NA more nonjudgmental. Because you are not a user you can only go to open NA meetings.

Wings2flyy · Dec 29, 2023, 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

If he tests positive, he’s using it.

Many alcoholics and drug addicts are functioning and hold jobs. But it’s all good until tragedies hit: they drive drunk or high or drugged up with kids in the car and get into accident or set house on fire because they fell asleep high/drunk etc

You are only fully functioning when you have no mind altering substances in you.

I’d honestly go through the court system. You don’t need to be divorced to establish visitations/child support, he will need to attend NA and test periodically etc Keep record of him testing positive and acting irrational etc

That is great advice! Thank you!
Do I need an attorney to process this?

I know what you’re saying. He thinks he’s got it under control and probably drives under the influence and who knows with kids too.

Wings2flyy · Dec 29, 2023, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

A good source to learn about people who use is Al Anon or open NA meetings. I went to open NA meetings, I learned and eye opening amount about focusing on me and not him. How not to enable him, how to let him deal with the consequences. I just found NA more nonjudgmental. Because you are not a user you can only go to open NA meetings.

Thank you so much for this info! I’ll look into open NA meetings.
I’m so lost and I’m sure will get guidance by going to these meetings. I’ve been clean and by the book all my life. Don’t even drink. So so clueless in what to do.

Wings2flyy · Dec 29, 2023, 01:47 PM

I cannot be thankful enough for coming across.finding this forum and sharing my problems here.
God bless everyone here and help everyone find peace, strength and happiness.

divine1966 · Dec 29, 2023, 03:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wings2flyy

Thank you so much for this info! I’ll look into open NA meetings.
I’m so lost and I’m sure will get guidance by going to these meetings. I’ve been clean and by the book all my life. Don’t even drink. So so clueless in what to do.

If you can’t find open NA meetings, Al Anon would be similar. I went to Al Anon meetings and at least a half of attendants had family or loved ones addicted to drugs, not just alcohol. The idea is ultimately the same.

Al Anon literature is also helpful. Lots of wisdom.

divine1966 · Dec 29, 2023, 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wings2flyy

That is great advice! Thank you!
Do I need an attorney to process this?

I know what you’re saying. He thinks he’s got it under control and probably drives under the influence and who knows with kids too.

I don’t know if you need an attorney in your situation, I’ll be honest. I don’t want to advise you wrong. Look up laws in your state and maybe ask attorney for free consultation or find legal aide?

Nammu · Dec 29, 2023, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

If you can’t find open NA meetings, Al Anon would be similar. I went to Al Anon meetings and at least a half of attendants had family or loved ones addicted to drugs, not just alcohol. The idea is ultimately the same.

Al Anon literature is also helpful. Lots of wisdom.

It’s very likely that Al @anon has broadened it’s literature since I went. It was back in the 80’s when I went and Al Anon was just alcohol.

divine1966 · Dec 29, 2023, 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

It’s very likely that Al @anon has broadened it’s literature since I went. It was back in the 80’s when I went and Al Anon was just alcohol.

I actually don’t think it matters what specific substance is being used as the idea is the same. I can’t say about literature because I didn’t pay attention if it mentioned other substances, but I know at the meetings there were always people whose family members smoked pot or did heavy drugs. It was quite a few years back when I needed it

Plus honestly many addicts use more than one substance. I know alcoholics who regularly smoke pot, periodically do hard core drugs etc many mix it with pills etc

Addicts are addicts. You didn’t cause it and you can’t cure it

Overall the whole idea is what can you do for your well being and safety regardless of what they are doing. It’s about you, not them

Open Eyes · Dec 31, 2023, 01:23 PM

If your children are living in the house/home with him and he is using, they are not safe.

Open Eyes · Dec 31, 2023, 04:48 PM

There are people that consume alcohol, smoke pot, snort cocaine and hang around others that do the same and they refuse to recognize they have a problem and insist they are “ the victim” when they lose their job and their relationship falls apart. It doesn’t surprise me that your husband Denies he has a problem and plays the victim.

Cocaine IS an illegal drug so your husband is doing something that is in most states illegal.

People who use and abuse drugs tend to be very selfish and narcissistic. They live in denial and gaslight others and themselves. They DO NOT respect boundaries and can go into a rage and stomp around.

Your responsibility is not to him but for your children who do not have the life skills to understand the mood swings and strange behaviors that go along with drug use.

Wings2flyy · Dec 31, 2023, 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

There are people that consume alcohol, smoke pot, snort cocaine and hang around others that do the same and they refuse to recognize they have a problem and insist they are “ the victim” when they lose their job and their relationship falls apart. It doesn’t surprise me that your husband Denies he has a problem and plays the victim.

Cocaine IS an illegal drug so your husband is doing something that is in most states illegal.

People who use and abuse drugs tend to be very selfish and narcissistic. They live in denial and gaslight others and themselves. They DO NOT respect boundaries and can go into a rage and stomp around.

Your responsibility is not to him but for your children who do not have the life skills to understand the mood swings and strange behaviors that go along with drug use.

I am separated from him because of his behavior, that you have described. O thought he had anger issues and is controlling. Now wondering if it was me who ran out of patience or the drug use just made it worse. Because it’s exactly what you described. The stomping around and playing the victim.

Open Eyes · 02:33 AM

Cocaine is not only bad for the brain but it also damages the heart.

You are wise to distance from your ex and his ongoing addiction. People who use are selfish and exhibit many narcissistic behaviors. They live in their own fantasy world and can get very mean and nasty. And they are big cry babies unable to regulate their emotions. Definitely not healthy at all to be around children even late teens and young adults.

PIMV · Mar 03, 2024, 08:31 PM

It sounds like there's a lot of issues there outside of his drug use. If there's no love or if he's a danger to you or your children (even if he doesn't mean to be) then you are probably better off far far away from him.

I couldn't help notice you said you felt "betrayed" by his drug use. While that's valid I have another perspective to offer.

When I met my wife she knew I was a heroin addict. When I tried to be with her she made me promise to ditch the drugs or she didn't want to be with me. I did ditch them...for all of 6 months. I started sneaking it around and shockingly I remained functional and was even able to hide it from her for years. Eventually I did get caught and it was a disaster. She told me she felt betrayed too. Fact is, my drug use was never about her. It was all about me and my baggage. Although it hurt her, she was not part of the reason I used at all and I never understood why she took it so personally. Selfish, true but in my opinion you can't take an addicts choices personally. They're usually only thinking about themselves.

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