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Junior Member
Member Since Aug 2023
Location: USA
Posts: 15
1 7 hugs
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#1
I’m sinking so low right now. Blow after blow life gives me.
I have separated from my husband few months ago. He was sorry about things he did and I thought maybe I can give him another chance and find out yesterday that he’s using cocaine and has been addicted to it. Worse of all he’s not admitting, even after a positive drug test. I don’t know why to do. We’ve been married 20 years. He gives me one betrayal after another. I don’t love him. Care about him bcoz he’s the father of my kids and is family. Wanted to resolve issues for the sake of kids. But what now? Feeling so so depressed. |
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Super Moderator
Community Support Team Community Liaison
Chat Leader Member Since May 2014
Location: Northeast USA New England
Posts: 17,710
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#2
@Wings2flyy welcome to MSF. I am sorry that you feel betrayed and at the same time want to try to make the relationship work. Have you considered getting a counselor or therapist to help you sort things out. They would get to know you and your situation really well.
Hope you get the support you are looking for. Feel free to post in other forums that may be ones of interest. https://mysupportforums.org/ @CANDC __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
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Crone
Member Since May 2010
Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system.
Posts: 73,241
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#3
Do you have a therapist for just you. You can’t change him or get him to change. He needs to do that himself. You need to take care of you and decide for yourself what you are willing to accept or not accept in a relationship. Plus if he is actively using you probably don’t want him around the kids.
__________________ Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2021
Location: California
Posts: 2,687
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#4
You do not love him. you care about him because he is the father of your kids, but that he can be from a distance and not living in the same home with them, which will be safer for them, most likely. He is family, but you can treat him as a closed member of your family from a safe distance, too.
Do you have financial means to live on your own / with kids, not with him? __________________ Bipolar I w/psychotic features Last inpatient stay in 2018 Geodon 40 mg Seroquel 75 mg Lybalvi 5 mg as a PRN Gabapentin 1200 mg, Vitamin B-complex (against extrapyramidal side effects) Long term side effects from medications some of them discontinued: - hypothyroidism - obesity Suspected narcolepsy Treated with Ritalin 5mg |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,721
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#5
If he’s using cocaine, I’d only do supervised visitations. He could come over with you in the house or spend time with the kids with you present, like an hour, play with them and leave. Or it could be court appointed social worker in a neutral place.
I know people who are not bothered about cocaine use. Use themselves and have partners who use. But it’s illegal hard core drug so no it’s not ok. Doesn’t mean drug addicts shouldn’t see their kids when they are sober and test negative. Just never unsupervised until long time past and courts determine he’s clean for a long period of time Do file for child support though. If he can afford expensive drugs, he can afford to support his children |
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Junior Member
Member Since Aug 2023
Location: USA
Posts: 15
1 7 hugs
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#6
Thank you so much everyone for the supportive words and guidance! I never realized it’s not ok for kids to be around him. My kids are 20,18,15,13. I moved out few months ago but haven’t filed for divorce because he promised to work on his anger issues so I thought maybe give him a chance. But just found out about the cocaine issue.
I’m seeing a therapist but like I said this betrayal just hit me. I realized he’s not willing to work on it and just blames me for everything. It’s just so hard. I was trying to live like a separated family, letting kids live in the family home mostly, but don’t know how I can now with this problem. I’m so lost and broken. |
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Junior Member
Member Since Aug 2023
Location: USA
Posts: 15
1 7 hugs
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#7
Quote:
I never thought kids being around him can be unsafe. He’s fully functional. Running a business. I could never have imagined he’s up to this. |
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Junior Member
Member Since Aug 2023
Location: USA
Posts: 15
1 7 hugs
given |
#8
Quote:
Thank you for you response. |
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Junior Member
Member Since Aug 2023
Location: USA
Posts: 15
1 7 hugs
given |
#9
Quote:
I just want to keep my kids out of this. They are at the stage where you worry about them getting into such things. If they see/know there father/role model is doing bad things then I feel it’ll be bad for them. I don’t know how I’ll handle them alone. I’ve never worked. Starting to work at the age of nearly 50. And handling teenage kids. If I take away that adult role from their lives I’ll be left alone to handle it all on my own. Thank you for your response. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,721
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#10
If he tests positive, he’s using it.
Many alcoholics and drug addicts are functioning and hold jobs. But it’s all good until tragedies hit: they drive drunk or high or drugged up with kids in the car and get into accident or set house on fire because they fell asleep high/drunk etc You are only fully functioning when you have no mind altering substances in you. I’d honestly go through the court system. You don’t need to be divorced to establish visitations/child support, he will need to attend NA and test periodically etc Keep record of him testing positive and acting irrational etc |
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Crone
Member Since May 2010
Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system.
Posts: 73,241
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#11
A good source to learn about people who use is Al Anon or open NA meetings. I went to open NA meetings, I learned and eye opening amount about focusing on me and not him. How not to enable him, how to let him deal with the consequences. I just found NA more nonjudgmental. Because you are not a user you can only go to open NA meetings.
__________________ Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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Junior Member
Member Since Aug 2023
Location: USA
Posts: 15
1 7 hugs
given |
#12
Quote:
Do I need an attorney to process this? I know what you’re saying. He thinks he’s got it under control and probably drives under the influence and who knows with kids too. |
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Junior Member
Member Since Aug 2023
Location: USA
Posts: 15
1 7 hugs
given |
#13
Quote:
I’m so lost and I’m sure will get guidance by going to these meetings. I’ve been clean and by the book all my life. Don’t even drink. So so clueless in what to do. |
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Junior Member
Member Since Aug 2023
Location: USA
Posts: 15
1 7 hugs
given |
#14
I cannot be thankful enough for coming across.finding this forum and sharing my problems here.
God bless everyone here and help everyone find peace, strength and happiness. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,721
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9 1,290 hugs
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#15
Quote:
Al Anon literature is also helpful. Lots of wisdom. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,721
(SuperPoster!)
9 1,290 hugs
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#16
I don’t know if you need an attorney in your situation, I’ll be honest. I don’t want to advise you wrong. Look up laws in your state and maybe ask attorney for free consultation or find legal aide?
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Crone
Member Since May 2010
Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system.
Posts: 73,241
(SuperPoster!)
14 55.7k hugs
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#17
Quote:
__________________ Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,721
(SuperPoster!)
9 1,290 hugs
given |
#18
Quote:
Plus honestly many addicts use more than one substance. I know alcoholics who regularly smoke pot, periodically do hard core drugs etc many mix it with pills etc Addicts are addicts. You didn’t cause it and you can’t cure it Overall the whole idea is what can you do for your well being and safety regardless of what they are doing. It’s about you, not them |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,231
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#19
If your children are living in the house/home with him and he is using, they are not safe.
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,231
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#20
There are people that consume alcohol, smoke pot, snort cocaine and hang around others that do the same and they refuse to recognize they have a problem and insist they are “ the victim” when they lose their job and their relationship falls apart. It doesn’t surprise me that your husband Denies he has a problem and plays the victim.
Cocaine IS an illegal drug so your husband is doing something that is in most states illegal. People who use and abuse drugs tend to be very selfish and narcissistic. They live in denial and gaslight others and themselves. They DO NOT respect boundaries and can go into a rage and stomp around. Your responsibility is not to him but for your children who do not have the life skills to understand the mood swings and strange behaviors that go along with drug use. |
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