Messed up

I've been relatively sober (I had a recent surgery that required pain meds) but today I threw that out the window. I got wasted today at work, and made some terrible life choices. I hate being so dependant on artificial satisfaction.

Oh, I'm so sorry... join the club with poor life choices made. (((HUGS)))

How come you got wasted at work? And which substance did you use?

Are you seeing a therapist and pdoc? They could perhaps help?

@TheGal I appreciate that. I got screwed up on a mix of oxy and Vodka. I have been struggling really hard lately to try to keep myself sober from the intense depression I feel. However, last night I just got overwhelmed with the feeling that I don't matter and I never did. An ex I have is super interested in my best friend, who has no interest in him. The ex keeps trying to make me feel stupid and crazy for feeling this way but I know I'm not crazy.

Between the **** way he made me feel, my general depression/night terrors, and my recent use of pain killers, it was all too tempting to ignore. I have been intoxicated with booze and opiates nonstop since then and honestly, I don't have a good reason not to be as of right now.

I feel broken and disposable. I want to just stop existing all together. The only good friend I have gets very uncomfortable with homosexual topics so I can't really talk to him. The insolation and depression is cushing me and making me fall right back into my crappy self-destructive pattern

((((PIMV)))))

I'm so sorry you don't have support IRL, lean on us here, but do look into getting treatment good support IRL.

It would be awful to lose your job on top of everything else b/c you were wasted.

I used to be involved in heavy drinking to the point of blackouts. Now, I take anti-depressants, including mirtazepine which was like rocket fuel and helped me stop drinking and took away the SI.

Realize that you are self-medicating because you are depressed and experiencing night terrors.

Do get professional help... someone to talk to like a therapist/psychologist and also talk to your doctor, maybe get a pdoc.

You are worth the effort. Embrace yourself and let go of those people in your life who do not raise you up. You are not disposable, you're not surrounded right now by the proper supports. As The Desiderata says, "avoid those who are vexatious to the spirit".

There are other online supports such as AA, NA anonymous, also these groups:

Online Support Groups - Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

HeyPeers - Where Peers and Support Groups Connect

Please reach out and don't self-isolate.

Do you have any pets?

Do take care....

@ TheGal

Feel free to PM if you want to. No worries if you don't.

Believe it or not, I'm on a cocktail of mental medication. I used to purely self medicated with opiates and booze but a few years ago I started taking regular medication...that said I quit more than half of them because I can't afford to pay that every month. Rn I take antidepressants (Wellbutrin) and a couple different anxiety meds. I know it helps some but I still feel like crap all the time. Every time I attempt to see a pdoc I'm hit with 2-6 months wait periods between appointments with doctors I don't like nor trust.

I understand that I'm self medicating and I know it's playing with fire but I don't know what else to do. It's like I'm fully aware that my actions are risky and dumb but the alternative seems so helpless and much worse.

My dad opted out of life in front of me as a teenager and I know how hard that is to live with. I never ever want to do that to my own kid. It's bad enough that her mom died when she was a baby. Regardless, I feel myself pushed in that direction a lot and the unhealthy self medicative crap I do seems less harmful in comparison. Am I rationalizing my stupid decisions?... Maybe. But that doesn't make it any less true.

I'll check out those groups you recommended

Yes, I have 2 cats and 2 dogs but I'm more stressed out by my animals than anything. I only have them because my wife wants them. I love cats but owning dogs is stressful, in my opinion.

I used to self medicate with alcohol 🍸 and in the long-run it only made matters much worse. I mean, not only did it make my depression and anxiety worse, but I got into legal trouble as well.

If you lost your job over alcohol and oxy it would just make your depression worse. I'm sure you realize that. But I understand. I used to go to work wasted all the time.

I understand how hard it is to find a decent pdoc. And to find the right medications 💊. I stopped drinking in my mid twenties.

I also understand how it feels to just not to want to exist anymore and feel trapped.

(((Hugs)))

Thanks @raspberrytorte

I think I made the right choice by coming to this site. Everyone has been very nice and supportive. I'm used to being called an idiot and told to just "get over it". Not feeling like the only one helps.

((((PIMV))))

I'm so sorry for the loss and trauma you've experienced. That needs to be addressed. Can you go to therapy such as EFT tapping or Gestalt? You need to be able to work with a qualified therapist/psychologist.

You've got a kid, so you have a responsibility to fight for yourself for not only yourself but your kid's sake.

In your place, as hard and frustrating as it can be, I'd get your name on the waiting list to see another pdoc. You never know you might get someone who's more suitable to you and with whom you have some trust and an afifnity.

I would be curious to know the meds you're taking...

I take 5 psych meds, my diagnosis is severe major depression with psychotic features. (3 anti-depressants: Prozac 40mg, Wellbutrin 300mg, Remeron (mirtazepine) 30mg, the antipsychotic Abilify 10 mg twice a day, and PRN Ativan for anxiety.)

Like I said the mirtazepine is like rocket fuel... very fast-acting and takes away SI.

I know what it's like not to feel good with your pdoc, I left mine and now I don't have one as I've probably been blacklisted. I really should get my medical report.

I get my meds renewed from walk-in clinics, hospital emergency, or virtual care. I do not have a gp, she went to work for virtual care. Where I'm at there is a healthcare crisis.

I bring that up not only to commiserate, but to say that I feel the mirtazepine could be increased to a small daily dose, as well, that would't be enough to make me drowsy, but enough to keep me stable and take off the edge.
Maybe your meds could be adjusted and they'd be more helpful to you, and hopefully more affordable. Have you ever heard of gabapentin prescribed for anxiety? Something to look into with a pdoc.

How long have you been self-medicating with alcohol and oxy? Has your use increased over time? How do you pay for it, and is it cheaper the proper meds?

Sorry to hear that the dogs are stressing you out? It's a big responsibility, for sure. How big are they? And how do they stress you out exactly?

You are worth fighting for... stick around, please!!

I can tell you are an kind soul who is intelligent and articulate, but you've been dealt some really hard blows in life and currently don't have the proper supports/people in place.

You know you're playing with fire by self-medicating, and that acknowledgement is the first step to getting out of the trap.

We all make mistakes. Do the best you can

Wellbutrin is sometimes used to alleviate anxiety. Maybe your dose is not big enough? There are psychiatrists who specialize in addiction, like mine (I myself am not an addict but I know about that facet of his practice). Here is how he describes himself:

- Board Certified in Addiction Psychiatry,
- works with the idea of addiction as a dissociative disorder
- is buprenorphine certified

So you need someone like that. Keep looking. You are fighting for yourself and your daughter. There are resources out there, they are just hard to find.