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Chat Moderator
Member Since Feb 2016
Location: Doing donuts in the parking lot
Posts: 4,274
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#1
4 days shy of 5 months sober. This is the longest I've gone since I first began using when I was 15. Never have made it this far and it hasn't been easy. Grief, abandonedment and life's other dishes it has force fed me; none of it has made this any easier. And I've never felt more alone. Sobriety feels like a prison sentence these days. And it's all too little, too late. I want to believe in it again. I just don't.
__________________ "Give him his freedom and he'll remember his humanity." |
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mote.of.soul, Nammu
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Moderator
Community Support Team Member Since Mar 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 11,380
18 76 hugs
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#2
Well done on sticking with it through the really tough emotions. That's hard. Sobriety doesn't always feel good, but for me eventually sobriety became so much better than life was for me drunk that now it's an easy choice. Take it one day at a time and if you can talk with people about how you're doing - that helped me.
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Monster on the Hill
Member Since Sep 2020
Location: by the river
Posts: 4,712
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#3
Active addiction to me feels more like a prison sentence. Sobriety is more of a walking on a warm Neptune sorta deal.
__________________ After you make a mistake, you can either repeat them or learn from them. I like repeating them just to see if it really is likely cause and effect. |
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Chat Moderator
Member Since Feb 2016
Location: Doing donuts in the parking lot
Posts: 4,274
8 10k hugs
given |
#4
I think I've realized that my prison isn't sobriety or active addiction. Sounds cliche and cheesy, but it really is my mind. Or perhaps, better, the walls in which I've created in order to protect myself. Just like the drinking and drugging turned sour, so did my mental isolation. I imprisoned the most pure, innocent and caring piece of me. No visitation. That person needed comfort and I built an 8x 12x brick cell instead.
"Brick by brick my citizens. Brick by brick." And day by day. I can get there. I will get there. I have to. I need to know the feeling. I'm not sure what "living" can feel like without it being a lie. I'll get there, eventually. I'm choosing to believe that right now. For my sake and sanity, sure. Mending my soul and trying to heal my spirit, more so. __________________ "Give him his freedom and he'll remember his humanity." |
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