What My Next Step Should be????

I am not sure what to do with this situation. I totally do not know where to turn and could use some advice of others who possibly have been in the same position as me.

My husband is an alcoholic. Not just that but a binge drinker as well. And he will drink beer after beer after beer until he cannot even walk anymore. This happens on average about once a week. And on the days that he works he usually puts away anywhere from 2-4 beers a night.

This is not a new thing it is just progressing at a very fast pace and seems to be getting to a dangerous and destructive point. The last few times he has left the house (not telling me or my 5yr old son that he was even leaving!) and not come back for oh....say, 9-10 hours. He stumbles in the house, is clumsy, slurs his speech, is mentally abusive and is just not himself. I don't even think he knows what is going on most of the time. (And to make matters worse, he is usually so drunk that he wets the bed, this has happened about 5 times in the last year or two!)

I do not want to live with this kind of behavior. I have told him to stop but of course the addiction is stronger than I am. What do I do? Where do I go from here? I am at such a loss. I am not a drinker, not have I ever even done any drugs so I do not know what it takes to overcome that kind of problem. All I know is that I do not feel safe with this man anymore, I can't trust him to come home at night, he doesn't call to tell me where he is and I have a son to think about as well.

Thank you if you took the time to read this. I have rambled on some , but that is because it happened tonite again and I am writing this while he is now passed out in bed. Ugghhhh!!! It is so hard, so frustrating, so scary and I can't help feeling so much anger and resentment.

Dear brneyed before you take any action please take a few moments to read this. www.rational.org/html_public_area/family.html
Boz

call alanon they are a support group for people who live with heavy drinkings. It is getting worse because alcoholism is a disease that progresses. I you feel like you can't live this way don't. Active alcoholism affects everyone. Talk with alanon they know better than I.

I know that this may sound harsh, but you may at some point be forced to put your and your children's safety ahead of your marriage. So it might be wise to explore some options. No alcoholic is going to change until they accept that change is necessary and are willing to do the work to change. This must be a heart breaking situation for you.

I too would consider trying to attend alanon. I've met lots of people in alanon at AA conferences, and it seems like a really good resource for people dealing with an alcoholic in their lives.

Take care.

---splitimage

If you are thinking about leaving and I know this seems really harsh but you have to cover your **s. If you don't have proof of his drinking it's your word against his and you are going to look like the vindictive ex-wife who doesn't want her ex-husband to see his son. (I know this because my Mom went through this with my Dad, and my husband went through this with his ex-wife (she was the drinker)). Guess what if you don't have proof of his problem, then he's going to have regular visitation and you won't be able to protect your son if your husband is drinking around him. I left an abusive relationship only to have no control of the environment my son (my oldest son) was in and sometimes I wish I would have stayed to be able to protect my sons’ best interests. I felt like I saved my self at my sons' expense. (Now he's a great Dad, he got couneling for his anger problem and we get along great). Divorce can be very ugly, I would suggest...

1. explore ALL other options first, counseling, alanon ect.
2. If you’re going to leave, get lots of proof first, police reports, video taps ect. (expecially proof of him driving drunk (how does he get home when he's drunk)) If you don't the courts will NOT believe you. If you do get proof, they'll make him get help, he will still be able to see his son it will just be supervised until he has proven himself clean to the courts.

Again I hate to sound so negative, but speaking from experience, you’ve got to CYA (cover you’re *****). And I am not the vindictive ex-wife, my children's safety comes before anything. My ex-husband is now one of my best friends (we settle everything ourselves, outside of the courts, even child support) I'm only telling you this so you don't think I'm a vindictive person and trying to give you advice to be mean, I believe you've got to protect your children at all costs.

Good luck

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bmoz said:
Dear brneyed before you take any action please take a few moments to read this. www.rational.org/html_public_area/family.html
Boz

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Wondering if you checked out the info at the link I gave and what you think of it. It is rigorous stuff.

Did this behavior just suddenly get worse? Does he have friends or drink alone? Have you talked to him at all about it rationally when he wasn't drinking?

Two to four beers a night is not horrible for a man, can just be a nasty habit. What's his work like? No clue what in his life is causing him to decide drinking/being drunk is a good idea and why it is "progressing".

Do you have friends/family and a support network you can talk to? Does he? I'd talk to him and then his friends/family or work buddies, etc. and see what is going on. I don't understand how he can "leave" and you have no clue. If this happens on weekends, I'd have my brother or another male relative/friend come over and then follow him or go with him, etc. if he wouldn't tell me where he was going or even follow him myself. It doesn't sound like there's any communication happening?

He could be ill or have another major life problem he hasn't discussed with you and is trying to drown it. I'd marshal the family's resources, friends, therapists, etc. to see what help there was for "sorting" it out. If I couldn't figure out how to sort it, I'd look into a legal separation. I wouldn't live with such behavior without some answers as to what's going on and "why" and some idea of whether or not he was interested in changing the situation.

How to handle your addicted family member:

http://www.rational.org/CCFAM/cfam1.html

Thanks everyone for your advice. I know there are some of you who have experienced the same thing or just provide a different perspective than I do. Thank God for caring people because this is just a bummer!!!

My husbands whole family has a drinking problem, so no this has been going on with him since I met him. The difference was we didn't have a child and I would go out with him and monitor what he was drinking or cut him off before the crash point. (Im sure you are thinking that I am crazy for marrying a drunk, but he really was more interested in me back then than drinking!) And he has stopped for months at a time. But now it seems that he is doing the binge drinking, not coming home at leased once a week which is the worst it has ever been.

He has a good job, Im not sure he likes it much, but it is the most money he has made in a while and he is up for promotion soon which makes him happy.
I will look into a support group and encourage him to seek help. He just always says that he is not happy with his life. Like this morning when he woke up, he just went on with his day without even an explanation of his behavior....that is what drives me the most crazy. He has a lack of respect for me and doesn't feel he needs to even apologize for the behavior anymore. (I should add that most of his relationships have ended because he just can't communicate and really is a selfish person as well, but I still feel like I can fix him and deep down its just so sad for me.)

Well, I will try to get him to see reason and sit him down when he is in a good mood to talk about this I guess. Any advice how to go about helping him along with help? I don't wanna sound like the nagging wife but I don't think he will seek help on his own right now.

Its a lot to process, so many things running through my head.
Thanks again everyone.

bmoz, thanks for the information. I have not had much of a chance to review it yet though. I will consider all the options soon.