Watching Someone You Care About Disappear

I am having the roughest New Year's Eve. Do you ever feel so sad you are physically ill?
I live in a Sober Living house which can be pleasant or awful. Right now it's awful. I've lived here about 16 months and have that much time clean and sober, as well. Our house manager can go off on anger tangents and she has her best friend living here that likes to instigate things. It is too crazy to describe what happened last night, but I was accused of things absolutely false and screamed at for a good 30 minutes. Mean, ugly screaming! And then I was told to move out. I am a quiet, gentle, mature, educated and giving person and I was treated like I was a 3 year old criminal. I've seen this cycle here before - I was just always under the radar. It's like something broke in me. I don't want to live here and I don't want to even see the manager or her friend. If I am wrong I'll admit it, but if you accuse me of falsehoods I just want out of your way. I am on unemployment while I look for a new job and spent my afternoon looking for "affordable" rentals to share. I live in Pasadena, California and affordable is relative!
Also, I've been seeing this guy that relapsed and is back in recovery. I've been keeping my distance so that he can concentrate on his recovery. We talk everyday and have a lot in common, including a romantic spark. I lent him some money, because he was in a bind - I've never done that before - but I trusted him. It's been 17 hours and I haven't heard from him, at all. I don't know if he's loaded, hurt, in jail? I know there is nothing I can do, but the unknowing is killing me. I know that expectations are resentments waiting to happen, but I feel like my guts are being ripped out.
It seems like God decided to see how much I really could handle. I just wish He hadn't started my New Year 2009 off with such sorrow. I've written in my journal, and called my sponsor and friends, but I needed to share here, too.
Thanks for letting me vent.

Im sorry but it sounds like you r taking good care of you. Keep that up and I know its hard to watch others go down hill but you are in such a vulnerable place and you have to try and keep you first. I know its hard. Good job though.

((((scooter))) i am sorry you are feeling alone right now and this holiday is one that makes me think about what celebration really means..... i am happy that you are safe for now and glad that you can come here and be with others who really care... keep reaching out here for help, so many good ones here

it's just my humble opinion but it was suggested to me that getting into a relationship early in recovery is dangerous business. jmo, but loaning money to another person new in recovery is also dangerous business.
so i don't feel that is god seeing how much you can handle at all. i think it's you seeing how much you are willing to risk in your sobriety. i hope you will not be offended by my honestly.
the reasons explained to me are these:
1. a person in early recovery as you are should be putting the focus on your sobriety and not other distractions. it takes a lot of personal work to achieve solid sobriety. taking the focus off your primary goal can derail you. some people even break their sobriety over a lover they have a fight with or break up, or worse. you cannot get better if you don't keep your sobriety first in you life. relationships, etc come later.
2. loaning money to a person new in recovery is often times enabling them to their own failure of sobriety. if i knew someone early in sobriety myself that needed money i'd ask did they need it for food, etc. if it was for food i'd drive them to a fast food place and buy their meal. i didn't loan people money for gas....i did once to a friend that had more sobriety than me at the time and she went and bought a bottle with the $5. i was devasted cause i had played a part in her getting the money for booze even tho that was not my intention. so money loaning is usually tabooed too for good reasons.
as for your sober living issue...you will need to decide what's best for you there. sometimes unhealthy things occur in sober houses and it may be to protect yourself, that a decision to move might be best. just do like you said and own only what you truly own.
hope these things work out for you. the most important thing to remember is to keep your "sobriety first" in all your affairs. without it everything you value will become worthless without your sobriety.

Scooterb,

Any chance this blow up will blow over? It seems really unfair to not have any "notice" time to transition. This may be a blessing in disguise but to be put on the street without notice seems downright illegal. Is there another sober place you can transfer to?

Don't drink or use. Double up on meetings. Focus on you and the next right thing.

notz

Hi there...its hard for me to understand my computer when it says your name...sounds like Squiterb? Tee hee anyway, just had to reply. I Agree with the name that sounds to me like Muddiesgraham LOL. A lot of times what feels to us as god giving us too much is really problems of our own making. When it comes to other people, I have to use the serenity prayer...God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change......PEOPLE, the courage to change the things I can........ME and my attituesds, and the widsdom to know the idifference....which comes with time and experien ce. Those things that seem so hard to us in the thick of things, turn into sober experience and that sober experience is something I'll be able to help someone through in the future.

Its hard to do when you're in the middle of the ish, but try to remember the future recovering alcoholics/addicts you will be able to help. You kno oops typo you now have some gnarly stuff in your vault of experience that someone will find valuable...you'll be able to say, "when I had sixteen months, I went through this, this is how I stayed sober" and that will help someone.

When I first went blind, it was the worset thing in the world. Believe it or not, I now see the blessings that have come of it, and now I can accept it when people say I'm an inspiration. At first I did not want to hear that. I'd rather see than be an inspiration.....but my primary purpose in sobriety is to help another, so if my adversity and staying sober through it can help, then its all worth it. At least I see it that way when I'm in a good space LOL. Believe me, there are times when I can't see it that way.

Anyway....stay sobber through this and you're a success. See this is as something crappy to grow through and you're a success. Keep doing what you're doing and you're a success. And please keep sharing.

Happy New Year....you probably don't want to hear this, but this too shall pass. Wink.

Hugs,
Rayna

:Thanks for the feedback. I know the suggestions and advice are for a reason - because they are valid. Dating someone new to recovery is not recommended and I understand the reason. I felt that I was maintaining my boundaries and integrity, though. Perhaps, not. I don't believe in victimization. So I am responsible and accountable for my actions and I feel proud of my behavior. Every action has a consequence. I don't believe I caused this person any harm nor did I distract or meddle in his recovery. If anything I was an example of a good friend, someone who could listen and not be judgmental while continuing to put my recovery before all else. I lent the money because I felt in my heart I was helping someone who was strapped financially. Others have helped me in the past and I try to live in a place of "pay it forward" while staying out of the land of stupidity. So, I think the money karma will benefit this addict in one way or the other. Would I do it again if I knew what was really going on, heck no!
I am not a victim in my living situation either. But I do have circumstances that I must accept because I don't have the finances, etc. to make a physical move to a place where I would be more comfortable and not have to put up with a manager with anger issues and probably psychological issues that are not being worked on. I'm learning each day about staying in the moment and enjoying the journey.
I appreciate all the support and understanding I got when I posted the other day. The ripped out gut feeling is going away because I stay in action. Going to my meetings, journaling, sharing with my inner support circle in AA and staying grateful.
This disease is indeed "cunning, baffling, and powerful."
Scooterb (Lisa)

Thank you Rayna for your support. I am indeed staying sober and doing all the healthy things that keep us that way.
You are an inspiration to me and I am sure many more people than you realize.
My name is really Lisa, maybe that sounds better to you than, Scooterb.

Without belaboring the point, my living situation is back to "normal" which means the manager took her anger somewhere else for the time being. If she had tried to actually kick me out I'm sure the police would have questioned the reasoning; yes she pays her rent on time and is quiet and polite - but she ate some of my gingerbread house, even though I didn't say not to. I stay out of the sober living "drama" as best I can. I have a short term goal of moving to a better living situation, but need to put some things in place first. Thank God, I have a private room and really most of the women living here are really trying to work a program.
Thanks,
Scooterb

I thought I would post an update to my New Year's situation ie; disappearing b/f and tentative living arrangement. All is well and quiet again here at the sober living. Everybody seems to have pulled together and voiced their concerns to the manager about how she deals with things. Hopefully the sane behavior continues - but I've seen a flip happen quickly. I keep my side of the street clean and go to bed at night without any feelings of shame or guilt.
As far as my quasi b/f goes...I've since learned that after borrowing the money from me, he left his phone and my ATM card with a "friend" as collateral for monies owed. I can only imagine what that money was spent on. I've learned this info by calling James' phone and actually having a conversation with the guy who's waiting for $200.00 before he gives the phone back. I was getting worried that James might be dead, and hoping that he had put himself in to a rehab, but he called the keeper of the phone yesterday and told him he's in Santa Monica. (I live in Pasadena.) James even sold his coat for money. AHHH, the insanity of the disease of addiction. I am blessed that I do not have that obsessive thinking and haven't for quite awhile. Sincerely, drinking or using just isn't an option for me today.
Well, I'm off to my Sunday AA meeting...Scooterb

Lisa, what is your screenname? It sounds like SquitErb LOL. Maybe you could spell it out with spaces between the letters? I thought that GimmeIce was GinnyEyes with the "g" sounding like the g in glue LOLOLOLOL. Tooooo funny the way Levi says stuff.

Hello Raynaadi,

This is notz, pronounced knots like what you tie a rope into. It's nice to meet you.

Lisa's screen name is s c o o t e r b. Another way to get Levi to say it correctly is: scooter with the letter b added. I hope that helps.

notz

Oh very nice, thank you. Levi pronounces your name right. Now I can picture Lisa's name LOL. At least I can just call her Lisa. Nice to meet you too Knots LOL.