[Rose3]

This started as a question about whether I can be of any
help for a person who seems to have alcohol problems
(he drinks when alone at home during the day, then he
doesn't eat, and he feels isolated).
Part of the problem as it is presenting (as I am becoming
aware), is that he now is coming to my apartment in the
evening (uninvited) and tells me that he feels isolated and
is reaching out.
But, if I respond, and go along with this, then this is
disrupting my life.
I would like to be of help, but I can't allow my life to
become disrupted by someone else's drinking problem - and
if he wants company - I don't necessarily want to spend my
time with someone who has been drinking. Then this keeps
me up late, when I need my sleep.
I know that I cannot solve his problem, but I also don't want
to do things that encourage the problem(s).
Last week, I went with him in his car, he had alcohol on his
breath, and his driving seemed off (he made a turn on a busy
street and it seemed to be too fast for the corner, maybe his
response time?). I have to decide not to go with him if he
wants to drive - for safety.
How can I be of some kind of help for this guy. I like him as a
person (I think), but he seems to be lonely.
Maybe his drinking has something to do with his situation of
being lonely?
Fortunately, I'm not a drinker.
Any ideas?

[Perna]

I think you have to tell him your concerns, that you can't entertain every night and that you think his drinking is causing a problem for him. He doesn't work or do anything during the day? Maybe you can plan a weekly, innocent, activity like grocery shopping or going to the library or to a coffee shop, etc. that happens early enough in the day that he won't have been drinking yet?

I wouldn't go with him in the car at all if he's been drinking/you smell alcohol on his breath and I would tell him why you won't get in the car (matter-of-fact way, not angry or anything). If you don't value your life, why should he (value either your life OR his?). A lot of help could come from how you represent yourself; not being a doormat for him to come to each night (don't let him him, explain you're "busy" and/or throw him out; it's your home, he can't be allowed to stay and wreck your health/keep you up, etc.).

[Rose3]

Thank you, these are useful ideas.
Others have been warning me to - keep away because of so many
"red flags" - there is a lot of background.
I suppose that the complication actually comes from me - because
I remember him from the past, and I had a positive impression of him.
I still do.
But - perhaps the alcohol problem is bigger than I could possibly
handle.
He does know of local detox/rehab facilities, he spoke of them
yesterday. I then asked him, and it sounds like he has been there
already in the past. So, I encouraged him to seek the professional
help that he needs. Whether he will or not - I don't know. And I
also told him that I fear - for myself if I am with a person who has had
too much alcohol, and that I fear - for him if he has had too much
alcohol. (he said that his liver was hurting him, so I asked if it maybe
had something to do with the alcohol - he knew).

[madisgram]

rose, u show a lot of keen insight on your firends drinking problem. if you wanted to reach out to him in a helpful way, why not ask him about his drinking problem? maybe he would open up to you. if he does you could recommend he seek help.
another thing is you could offer him the reasons you are concerned, pointing out driving while intoxicated, isolation-yes, this is a symptom of a drinking problem, and that he seems to have changed since he started drinking a lot more, typical also.
there are two ways this could end up....he denies there's a problem, very typical, or he listens and tells u he wants help. there are 12 step recovery programs he could attend or he could talk with his doctor about his drinking and get a referral from him.
you are correct that this is disrupting your life. many of us that had drinking problems in the past took people as "hostages" as we call it. in other words he's not working on his problem but using you as a diversion and interfering with your life. you sound like a kind friend. i urge you to think about what i wrote and hope this provides you with some helpful suggestions. i wish you well and hope this turns out for the better...that your friend gets the help he needs.
if you do decide to try what i suggested then you can tell your friend that as much as you care, you'd prefer he not come over until he gets the help he needs. (i know this sounds harsh but it is not your responsibility to "babysit" him while he's messed up.) you can offer to go with him to a 12 step rec. meeting if you are willing to take the time to support his efforts. that's entirely up to you.
just noticed your reply post. what i've suggested still applies. the only difference is that he knows there's help out there and also that it is possible he already has liver damage. all the more reason to intervene and set your boundaries with him, imho.

[Rose3]

Thank you for the ideas.
Right now, it is for me to realize that this is a very serious problem for
this man, - although he does speak of the detox centres, he does speak of his liver enzymes level, he did say that he was trying to consume the alcohol (in lower amounts, I think that's what he said), in order to avoid withdrawal symptoms.
It sounds like he has been through this before, and that the withdrawal
experience is very uncomfortable - so he said he would need diazepam.
As I reflect on the circumstances of my own awareness of his problem -
it is because I listened to the things that he was telling me. If I had not
listened, then I would only see/smell a man with alcohol on his breath.
But because I listened - I have a little bit better understanding of part of
the circumstances (if they are true?)
He seems to have been open about quite a few things.
I still have a relatively positive impression of him. One big problem seems to be the alcohol use.