[Christina86]

Okay. Last night, after coming home from an Al-Anon meeting and realizing that I'm totally *not* alone in dealing with this...

I realized I've got absolutely no control over anything.

I mean, it's by a miracle I'm still in university. It's a miracle that so much good has happened to me... I cannot control other people, because they're responsible for themselves.

That sucks, but it's the truth.

I admit I cannot control my drinking. I cannot -- I know if I try to again, I will fail. I know it. I know I cannot get my stepfather to admit his alcohol problem. I know I cannot fix my family. I'm only responsible for ME.

God runs the show -- not me. I've got to stop trying to control God, to box God up and claim I've got the control.

So this epiphany happened last night. I wrote it on Twitter. I don't have a sponsor - not through AA, not through ACOA, not through Al-Anon. This is the point where I'm in trouble because I really SHOULD have thought about getting a sponsor before this!!

This is what I wrote on Twitter --

So, I guess this is when I make a decision -- do I continue to lie to myself and say I don't have a problem, or admit I *do* and get better?

Since admitting I *do* have a problem is FAR more difficult -- and I always go the difficult route - I guess I'm going to admit my problems.

So here is my confession: I am not perfect. In fact I'm far from perfect. I don't want to be a saint, and I'll never be worthy of God's love

But guess what, you don't NEED to be perfect. If you're like me at all - I'm a control freak. I want God to love me for what I do ...

But I *don't* want God to love me for who I am because I figure that's the more "nasty" side of me-but it isnt. God loves you no matter what

Today, I'm admitting that I'm powerless. Over my entire life. Just for the moment, at the very least -- taking the plunge into the 1st step.

So: Hello Twitter-verse, my name is Christina. And I'm likely an alcoholic, and I'm codependent and I've got my share of other addictions.

As of the start of three weeks ago, I now admit - I am impacted by someone else's drinking. I'm attending Al-Anon

I've attended ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings ... they were useful, not well attended though. So I went to Al-Anon instead.

I've been sober (alcohol) for one year, and just over three months. I also am a "recovered" self-injurer free for two years and eight months

I owe a lot of my recovery to a good friend, who believed that I was worthwhile. He actually helped me by pushing me into my first AA mtg.

I'm still a horribly huge arrogant person -- I'm still in a control-struggle with GOD (yes God!) over control of my life. BUT...

I think I admit defeat. I admit that I cannot do this alone anymore. Doing it myself didn't work, ignoring it didn't work -it all didnt work

I guess that leaves me with the first step. Admitting I am powerless over alcohol (and everything) and that my life is unmanageable. It is.

I'm sick of rationally "knowing" I have no control, and then arguing with God anyway. I'm sick of "emotionally" knowing and doing nothing

I just wish I knew where to go from here... I don't have a sponsor. And no offence, but I'm talking to people on the internet. I need help.

One day at a time... I'm not dealing with my family's issues anymore. I suggested family counselling, and it was shot down because my family is "normal" and everything is "fine". (That's not what I said, it was said to me).

Now, all I am responsible for is ME (well, and my pets who ARE dependent on me)

I admit powerlessness... and it's really freeing.

[VickiesPath]

You turned the corner, Christina.

I remember being so relieved when I finally gave in and decided that I didn't have to fight the battle alone.

I was always expecting to be able to do everything myself. It made me so mad at first when no matter what I tried, I couldn't fix things.

It came down to the thing Dr. Phil always says: "How's that working for ya?"

It wasn't working for me.

So I gave in.

And THAT worked.

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!

Yeah you, Christina!

[lynn P.]

You're very brave for admitting you need help (((Christina))). I wish you all the strength in your journey of getting better and healing.

[Christina86]

Sigh. I'm having a slight issue with step one. Mostly because I'm vacillating between admitting powerlessness, and wanting more control.

thanks everyone

[Hunny]

Christina,

Having admitted this step many times and found myself fully holding onto the reigns again, at times, I believe it is a bit of human nature to walk this line between letting go and control and falling fully into each side, at times.

Our group is a bit of a step group and so we pass by this step every 24 weeks or so and it is a good reminder to me. Plus, our group reads the steps every two weeks, out loud, and that helps too. At another group I sometimes go to they read the steps and traditions every week!

But do be gentle with yourself, it's a long and sometimes emotionally difficult process.



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