[AvidReader]

Hi -- I am cringing at the thought of titling my very first post here "Getting desperate," but I didn't want to "barge in" on a previous ACOA meeting thread.

I am so frustrated. I finally, after 20 years (I'm in my early 40s) got the nerve to try the local ACOA meeting. I HATE to talk about anything related to my parents' alcoholism, but my life seems like it's starting to fall apart. I've suffered from depression for years, and I seriously think my husband wants out -- he's fed up with me and my depression -- and that terrifies me. My therapist has been insisting that I enroll in a partial hospitalization program, but I've refused. I just can't do it. I've already been hospitalized as an inpatient (in a different city) twice for depression, and it was no help whatsoever.

Anyway, I finally get to the meeting location, and NOBODY SHOWED UP. Unbelievable! I waited for 30 minutes. I had found the meeting information at the national ACA website, and there was even a paper tacked up in the church foyer (where the meeting was) indicating that yes, the local group would be meeting in Room XXX down in the basement.

A kind woman leaving an Al-Anon meeting in an adjacent room suggested trying that group (i.e., Al-Anon), but I'm not sure it would be helpful because my issues all seem to be very specific to my parents.

So, I'm here hoping to find -- and offer -- some commiseration, help, and support. I've been scanning the posts, and I can identify with a LOT of what has been discussed on this forum.

I apologize if this first post sounds overly negative. To use a cliche, I'm in a bad place right now.

[Christina86]

I'm sorry that happened to you. I have found that in my own community that ACOA meetings aren't as well attended as the Al-Anon mtgs. I'm an ACOA myself, and have found Al-Anon very helpful. It's weird being around people whose spouses or children are the alcoholics in their lives, but you can find others who have parents who were/are the alcoholics. I've just supplemented my reading with material from ACOA and found that very helpful.

Glad you found us.

[AvidReader]

Thanks so much, Christina86! I forgot to clarify that one of the reasons my therapist (who I've been seeing for 2 years) was insisting on the partial hospitalization is because I have been avoiding any sort of addressing of these issues. I think I will try Al-Anon. It certainly can't hurt; right?

Has anyone else had avoidance issues like this, where you find the topic of your parents' alcoholism and the bad memories so upsetting to the point where you are terrified to address them?

Thanks again

[madisgram]

i agree re al-anon. if acoa groups are sporatic in your area try al-anon. so glad you are willing to reach out. you will find the support and understanding you need to process the past/present feelings of being an acoa. i wish you well.
from the al-anon website:

Did You Grow Up with a Problem Drinker?
Al-Anon Is for You!
Al-Anon is for families, relatives, and friends whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking.

[Leed]

Yes, I was afraid to address my parents alcoholism for years - until I became an alcoholic myself. My parents had 4 girls and I'm the only one who took to drinking.

I drank heavily for 20 years ~ and finally had had enough and i joined AA. I thank God for them because otherwise i'd be dead right now. In a few months I'll have 18 years clean/sober, God willing.

But until the time I joined AA, I didn't want to even THINK of my parents as alcoholics. They fought all the time -- even physical fights. They terrorized us kids, plus the things they used to say to one another were horrible. All 4 of us are suffering from depression. I carried around a resentment against my parents for a long time -- until I realized that they ALSO had a disease ~ only they weren't as fortunate as me and didn't get help for it.

I went to Al-Anon and learned how to cope - that was extremely helpful in understanding. Of course I had kind of an "inside clue" anyway since I was a drunk myself. LOL But Al-Anon will certainly help you too. And you don't have to tell them WHO you are there for -- if someone asks, just say "a relative." It's no one's business but yours.

Best of luck to you and God bless. i know how hard this is. Hugs, Lee

Hello, AvidReader. My Dad's drinking haunts me yet today. I quit drinking 20+ years ago when I realized my self-medicating required greater quantities to have the desired effect.

One thing my sponsor told me helped when I was being indecisive: Try it. If it does not work, you can have all your misery back.

Maybe your therapist has a solution to your avoidance? If not, you can have all ... .

[AvidReader]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Maybe your therapist has a solution to your avoidance? If not, you can have all ... .

Actually, I was so upset with her for confronting me so insistently about it at my last joint session with my husband that I canceled all remaining appointments. (Very mature, I know, but I felt like she had totally disrupted our working alliance. I don't feel I can trust her anymore.) But that's a good suggestion, and I thank you for it.

And thank you, everyone, for your kind words and helpful advice! I will give Al-Anon a try. Unfortunately the meeting that works best for me in terms of scheduling was this morning, but I'll go next week.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by AvidReader

Hi -- I am cringing at the thought of titling my very first post here "Getting desperate," but I didn't want to "barge in" on a previous ACOA meeting thread.

I am so frustrated. I finally, after 20 years (I'm in my early 40s) got the nerve to try the local ACOA meeting. I HATE to talk about anything related to my parents' alcoholism, but my life seems like it's starting to fall apart. I've suffered from depression for years, and I seriously think my husband wants out -- he's fed up with me and my depression -- and that terrifies me. My therapist has been insisting that I enroll in a partial hospitalization program, but I've refused. I just can't do it. I've already been hospitalized as an inpatient (in a different city) twice for depression, and it was no help whatsoever.

Anyway, I finally get to the meeting location, and NOBODY SHOWED UP. Unbelievable! I waited for 30 minutes. I had found the meeting information at the national ACA website, and there was even a paper tacked up in the church foyer (where the meeting was) indicating that yes, the local group would be meeting in Room XXX down in the basement.

A kind woman leaving an Al-Anon meeting in an adjacent room suggested trying that group (i.e., Al-Anon), but I'm not sure it would be helpful because my issues all seem to be very specific to my parents.

So, I'm here hoping to find -- and offer -- some commiseration, help, and support. I've been scanning the posts, and I can identify with a LOT of what has been discussed on this forum.

I apologize if this first post sounds overly negative. To use a cliche, I'm in a bad place right now.

I'm not worried about you sounding negative. If everything were positive in your life, I wouldn't expect to see you here at all. Have you told your therapist about your previous hospitalization experiences? Maybe you can discuss it a bit before you commit? I wanted to pass this along to you, too. If you are in your mid-40s and have been married a while, it isn't surprising your husband is thinking of leaving. I think most people married for any real length of time who hit their 40s think like that, speculate, spend some time thinking, what if? -- whether they admit it or not. I'm saying don't be too quick to blame your depression for any thoughts he has for leaving. Your depression could be being exacerbated by whatever cues he is giving off that make you think he might leave. Try to separate your emotional health from what may be only his mid-life crisis. And ultimately, I speak from experience when I say there are worse things than being unmarried. I hope that helps put some things into perspective.

[madisgram]

so glad you want to resolve the pain you've experienced during your life. it is the first step to overcoming those demons. it will set you free. getting the help and support you need is important. we're here for you and many of us do understand....

[AvidReader]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I'm not worried about you sounding negative. If everything were positive in your life, I wouldn't expect to see you here at all. Have you told your therapist about your previous hospitalization experiences? Maybe you can discuss it a bit before you commit? I wanted to pass this along to you, too. If you are in your mid-40s and have been married a while, it isn't surprising your husband is thinking of leaving. I think most people married for any real length of time who hit their 40s think like that, speculate, spend some time thinking, what if? -- whether they admit it or not. I'm saying don't be too quick to blame your depression for any thoughts he has for leaving. Your depression could be being exacerbated by whatever cues he is giving off that make you think he might leave. Try to separate your emotional health from what may be only his mid-life crisis. And ultimately, I speak from experience when I say there are worse things than being unmarried. I hope that helps put some things into perspective.

Thanks, IceCreamKid! You bring up some interesting chicken-and-egg points about the depression and marital troubles. It gave me a lot of food for thought.

Things kind of came to a head last December when I had a bad day (i.e., all day in bed) and he just "lost it," saying how fed up he was. Since then we have not addressed the issue, but I have forced myself to not have any more bad days. I'm just hoping it doesn't all fall apart at some point. It's been a long, rough road with the depression.

I can totally understand the whole midlife crisis thing; I have days where I just want to GO AWAY, run away, be young again, meet someone new, etc., or I just spend time wondering about the whole "what-if" stuff.

It's funny -- my terror at the thought of divorce is not really not being married but of how I'd survive financially, and of not seeing the kids every day. But I'm probably getting ahead of myself.

I came into the marriage with so much baggage -- namely, my alcoholic parents and the emotional damage they have wreaked over the years (e.g., calling drunk and enraged over some trivial issue, and then my mother died a sudden, alcohol-caused death) that I just . . . worry.

I do have some hope, though.

Ah, I'm rambling. Apologies to all if I strayed too far off topic!

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by AvidReader

Has anyone else had avoidance issues like this, where you find the topic of your parents' alcoholism and the bad memories so upsetting to the point where you are terrified to address them?

Thanks again

Oh yeah! Definitely. Bad memories pop up whenever they feel like it sometimes. But once you start dealing with them, they do get easier to cope with.

[IceCreamKid]

I grew up in hell. My ex walked out on me and left me destitute. It might help for you to think through the worst case scenario. Since I have already experienced such devastating loss, it helps me (now) to think through worst case scenarios, because I can plan and prepare to avoid the worst results of whatever it is I am trying to decide. I'm still depressed. But I'm also still standing. This approach may not work for you. But it might work for someone who is at sea, not sure what to do (about anything) and frightened of the unknown.

[whiteroses40]

Hi-
I'm an adult child of alcoholics. I have battled in my own way with depression since I was a teenager. After my fourth therapist, I found a therapist that understood what it was like to deal with my issues. She has given me various resources that I should explore and one of them was finding a ACOA support group. I found one online and I too was the only person in the group. I had the opportunity to share a bit but the meeting only lasted 20 minutes since no one else showed up. I will try again but I understand where you are coming from. Please don't give up and try again. You are worth every effort.

Originally Posted by AvidReader

Hi -- I am cringing at the thought of titling my very first post here "Getting desperate," but I didn't want to "barge in" on a previous ACOA meeting thread.

I am so frustrated. I finally, after 20 years (I'm in my early 40s) got the nerve to try the local ACOA meeting. I HATE to talk about anything related to my parents' alcoholism, but my life seems like it's starting to fall apart. I've suffered from depression for years, and I seriously think my husband wants out -- he's fed up with me and my depression -- and that terrifies me. My therapist has been insisting that I enroll in a partial hospitalization program, but I've refused. I just can't do it. I've already been hospitalized as an inpatient (in a different city) twice for depression, and it was no help whatsoever.

Anyway, I finally get to the meeting location, and NOBODY SHOWED UP. Unbelievable! I waited for 30 minutes. I had found the meeting information at the national ACA website, and there was even a paper tacked up in the church foyer (where the meeting was) indicating that yes, the local group would be meeting in Room XXX down in the basement.

A kind woman leaving an Al-Anon meeting in an adjacent room suggested trying that group (i.e., Al-Anon), but I'm not sure it would be helpful because my issues all seem to be very specific to my parents.

So, I'm here hoping to find -- and offer -- some commiseration, help, and support. I've been scanning the posts, and I can identify with a LOT of what has been discussed on this forum.

I apologize if this first post sounds overly negative. To use a cliche, I'm in a bad place right now.