Common Characteristics of ACOA's

Most of us who grew up in families affected by the disease of alcoholism never did really grow up in many ways.


Sure, we grew up physically -- but emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually many of us are still stuck back there in early childhood. We never learned a "normal" way of thinking, feeling or reacting.

• Take the Adult Children of Alcoholics Screening Quiz.

As long as things are going smoothly, we're fine. However, when we experience conflict, controversy, or crises and we respond with less-than-adult-like reactions.
Over the years, those who have studied the "adult child" phenomenon have compiled a list of common characteristics which many people who grew up in dysfunctional homes seem to share. The following characteristics were developed in 1983 by Dr. Janet G. Woititz.
You may recognize some of them.
Adult Children:

• 
  ...guess at what normal is
  ...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.
  ...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
  ...judge themselves without mercy.
  ...have difficulty having fun.
  ...take themselves very seriously.
  ...have difficulty with intimate relationships.
  ...overreact to changes over which they have no control.
  ...constantly seek approval and affirmation.
  ...feel that they are different from other people.
  ...are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
  ...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.
  ...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.

These characteristics are, of course, general in nature and do not apply to everyone. Some may apply and others not. And there are still other characteristics which are not on this list. But if any of these sound all too familiar, you may benefit by learning more about the phenomenon.

gulp!

that list!!

...guess at what normal is... yes, I sure do-- all the time!
...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end. gasp! I do this!
...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.yep, constantly covering up... ugh....
...judge themselves without mercy.oh yes, much harder on self
...have difficulty having fun.try hard but it's so difficult to get upsets out of mind and not be hypervigilent.
...take themselves very seriously.never give myself a break
...have difficulty with intimate relationships.yes, I know they mean= pain
...overreact to changes over which they have no control.
...constantly seek approval and affirmation.
...feel that they are different from other people.often feel so alone
...are either super responsible or super irresponsible.keep paddling while the boat is sinking....
...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.never give up... never.. till you drop
...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess. I have taken so much action ALL the time and then confusion follows as to why-- why didn't my action have the results I so so envisioned and hoped for... why?... and then... yes, just another mess to clean up... *sigh*.....

it is all -my VERY fiber.......... ugh........

i so hate everything.... hate it..... hate it......

I had such a tough childhood(neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse- held several times against will by gun and by force by several different males), while partner had nurturing, safety and such ---- still....
I'm the one taking care of him!.... what a f*&*ing mess it all seems.............

out of energy..............
fins

I'm crying right now as I type this, because I can identify so strongly with virtually every item on that list, and with purplefin's comments-added list. I've felt alone and so isolated for so long, and learning more about how parents' alcoholism affects their children through a lifetime is both helpful, a huge relief, and incredibly painful.

i know it won't make you feel better, fins, but those of us in recovery have/had those traits too. i married an alcoholic and at that time didn't even drink. he was physically and mentally abusive to me too. it's like we are beacons to addictive ppl.
i used AA to learn how to cope and change those "liabilities" into "assets" but can easily fall back into that "stinkin' thinking" if i'm not vigilant. (even tho 21 years later.) changing our way of thinking is the key. not easy but hope this offers you hope as it once did me. so can totally relate your way of thinking/feeling. AA worked for me as ACOA can work for you i believe. YOU can get better even if THEY don't. you can find a new joy,freedom, and happiness. keep the focus on you no matter what. be kind to yourself and start the process of healing. you deserve that. you are/were a victim of circumstance.

AvidReader

thinking of you,
fins

thanks for the post. I went back to al-anon today for the first time since my two surgeries. I felt my life was becoming overwhelming and I was reacting to the people that lived in my retirement community. As with ACOA meetings, al-anon puts me back on track. We are blessed for these 12 step meetings that show us how to live one day at a time.

Thank you so so much madisgram.

I guess the thing that really gets to me is how I thought I was SOOOO careful to not choose an addict... he never drank, smoked or gambled...(all the things i was tuned into staying clear of)
then years later, he starts drinking--- how could I have known that-- the day we gave each other our hands????
He wasn't a drinker when I married him...........(i wouldn't have married him in that case)
feels like the whole world is lies upon lies..... ugh.....
don't know who to trust....
it's all so scary........

fins........ugh.......

I am confused. I identify very strongly with several items in that list (have listed) and when talking about a separate issue with a friend, they have asked if my parents had a problem with drink. However, I don't think my parents suffer from alcoholism... they drink quite a lot and will admit to drinking too much... but they don't drink in the morning, and I have never seen them drunk. My aunty definitely has a problem, but I rarely see her. However I came in here after what my friend said and can see so much of myself in this list!

...guess at what normal is - Yes! To try and go by it...

...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth - all the time. It was my New Year's resolution this year to stop and think about when I'm lying. I make stuff up just so I sound interesting, and often lied to my family about my whereabouts if I was with friends. I feel this big responsibility to be at home a lot, and like I should not be having more fun than them!

...judge themselves without mercy - I can always improve!!
...have difficulty having fun - Seriously yes. I just can't really let go, I get very self-conscious, and I am always worried about whether other people are having fun

...take themselves very seriously - oh yes!
...have difficulty with intimate relationships - partly because of self-consciousness and lack of fun... lack of self-esteem really.
...constantly seek approval and affirmation. - I get most of my self-worth from this
...feel that they are different from other people - often feel very lonely for this reason
...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved - always prided myself on this!!

Hi lone_twin4, I had the exact same thought process as this for years regarding my parents' drinking. I always denied that they were alcoholics, simply because they never drank 'til after 5:00 pm, and they both held down steady daytime jobs. So it seemed to me that this automotically disqualified them from being alcoholics. They would get trashed almost every night, though, but still, because it was always after 5:00, I just automatically dismissed the thought of alcoholism.

. . .

I just deleted a long post about this because I felt like I was derailing the thread. But I just want to throw the thought out there that your parents' drinking might have affected, or be affecting, you more than you realize.

Best wishes.

Just wanted to quickly say, thanks for the kind words/thoughts, purple_fins.

Thank you, Avid Reader I don't want to derail the thread either, but just wanted to say I appreciate your reply : )

Thanks for posting, Mads. Scored a big old 80%. I have seen the list before but it gave me a lot to think about again. I am a very defiant person. Even the first question: Do people in authority frighten you? I'm like, "No. I just think they're full of s*^t." But I have to dig deep to admit that this anger and resentment comes from fear. I bristle when people are controlling. I'm like - GET ME outta' here. I get super relaxed and evasive. It has been hard for me to admit to my own tendencies this way. Some questions really speak to me - like the one about isolating. Yup, totally do that. The one about craving drama though? I never understood that one. If anything I crave a total lack of drama because I have had ENOUGH in my lifetime. To this extent, I think our characteristics as adult children may vary.

E

My score was 85%; ugh.

Thank you for this initial post, madisgram.

Well, Purplefins, I can relate to that. I too had that issue, I was very careful and did not see any of the signs until, guess what my honey moon. How awful is that and even then, I didn't know what I was really seeing. I did not see a man that drank all the time and I had no idea what a binge alcoholic was, not for a long time fins. And I do know how very hard it can be to trust after that happens. And yes, it was very scary.
I really got smacked between the eyes Purple. I really paid my dues too.
I am so sorry for anyone who wants to wake up with prince charming and instead wakes up with a nightmare that last a long time.
Open Eyes

my score was 85% too AvidReader.

for some reason that just makes me feel sick....
feel like I'm so mixed up ....
boundaries, relationships, self worth, perfectionism.... blah...so mixed up in this head here-- it's like trying to learn a foreign language. can be so confusing... blah...

Openeyes-- it must have been quite a shock for you to experience your new spouse in such a way on your honeymoon.
mine didn't show such behavior until after offspring came to being, a mortgage and I'd encouraged him to finish college while I quit and since have worked minimum wage jobs.
why did I work so hard? for this!!??
all my years of effort-- pphhtttt-- to the wind.......
Solving this feels insurmountable... *sigh*... so hopeless....

sorry madisgram
I so don't mean to steer your thread off course
I hope you're not offended by my venting a bit-- if so, please accept my
apology

fins

Yes. I really relate...

(((Fins))) Just know this. You are important.

Well, I scored 90%. I never thought of my dad as an alcoholic growing up. He never staggered around or slurred his words, and never drank during the day. Then one time a few years ago, he came to visit, and when we went to the liquor store, he filled an entire shopping cart with wine--for a two-day stay.

Yes, they often say they are buying for everyone. Even if no one else really drinks. But what they say is just in case, have some on hand, or in their hand as much as possible, YUP, I can see that.
Open Eyes

85%

always assumed it was "me" along with some other things.

makes me angry but mostly makes me sad that we all had to or are going through this.

you're right. that's why they call alcoholism a "Family Disease". the alcoholic affects everyone nearby. the behaviors we obtain to cope can be obstacles for us in our own life.
there is good help out there thank goodness. i hope ppl know this. by learning how to change our own behaviors we can be free of damage brought on by the alcoholic and oftentimes become exceptionally healthy minded ppl as a result. gaining knowledge about boundary setting, ridding ourselves of co-dependant behaviors, etc. many "normal" ppl do not strive for these assets even tho they possess unhealthy behaviors. so change is good even if we had to get there from the back door.

I can't believe it. I just got an e-mail from my mom a few days ago where she said she likes a "drink every once in awhile" and I thought, "oh my god, I must be totaly overreacting. I must be over-sensitive because she says she only has a few drinks every once in awhile." Then I remember how she always averages 5 or 6 glasses a night or even a whole bottle of wine (in one evening) once or twicea week and I thought... wow, still take her word over my own, over what I can see for myself. It's hard.

I have a lot of those characteristics. I would also add becoming very attached to animals to that. A lot of people I know who are ACOA have pets that are their babies. Like more than "normal" people. I am definitely one of those. But I think that may come along with any kind of depression/anxiety type of deal.

Both of my parents were As. I read years ago that the offspring tend to suffer from depression and it made me so sad. However as mentioned in my intro post, depression and other signs of mental sensitivities are prevalent in the family.
I nearly cried when it said that we do not grow up. I feel like a child sometimes which on a good day Im so thankful for.

Thanks for the thread, madisgram. After many, many years gone by and loads of treatment, the toxic brew still haunts my soul.

sad but true, byz. they don't call alcoholism a "family disease" for nothing.
many scarred souls out there.