[wakadojobilly]

Have you succeeded in doing it? How did you do it? Tell me about the process, support and your setbacks please. Sometimes I feel unable to comprehend it!

I am at a cross roads where although my Mother may finally be starting to live with some dignity, she has a small income again, not living strictly off other's charity at the bar just to have a roof over her head, to eat and especially to drink, I may need to detach fully, end communication, even though she is doing better.

Recvd one of her emotionally abusive and manipulative e-mails this weekend sent ME into an abusive spiral, being horrible to my loving and supportive husband, insulting him, being cruel. I am never like that unless my mother is involved, why when it is HE WHO really loves me, supports me, cares and always picks up the pieces?

She has been going to meetings, switched to marijuana, which is not much better, in terms of "self abuse" but the personality changes and emotional abuse that she inflicts on her children with drinking is much less, she is also higher functioning in society.

But she is mentally ill, and will never be right. She has scars and so she drinks, she has scars because she drinks and the cycle goes on, but removing the alcohol doesn't change the fact that she is severely damaged and my brother and I are still being abused like we were when we were little, but as adults. We play right into her hand, it's insane. Other people point it out as it's happening and I'm like, really? How did I not see that? Even after a year of therapy.

I think I need to detach and I am wondering how to do it, have struggled with it for a long time because "dutiful daughter" always gets sucked back in again to sending money, "helping" somehow, listening to her, visiting at her next crisis, etc. etc. etc.

I just did it again at my brother's request, he begged me to let her use my bank account instead of his for credit reasons so she wouldn't steal from him or as he said "suck me dry". That's what she does to people, whether she means to or not, I'm sad for her, but i'm scared for me, my marriage and my brother.

Please help.

Thank you guys,
waka dojo

[madisgram]

hi waka, ways to detach:
don't enable her. for example letting her use your bank account, using your brother's credit card tho that was his decision. if mom stole from him she'll prob do the same to you.
set your boundaries with her...like remove yourself from her drama and self destructive behaviors. let her know you will not "put on your fire hat to put out her fires" but of course word this statement better.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ a very supportive 12 step group you can attend to help you.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2010/whe...ct-alcoholics/ -GOOD SOLUTIONS.
both very helpful articles.
my personal thought. keep the focus on your life, not hers. you owe that to yourself. her use of weed is just switching fron one drug-alcohol-to another drug-weed. encourage her to seek help but leave that up to her.
hope this helps.

[Gus1234U]

i agree with Madi~ the real work is for you to let go, cut her loose, save yourself~ Alanon can help, if you find a good group, and do the work.

trust me, she will survive, and maybe even learn something if you say NO. and mean it. and hang up on her, or leave when she starts the abuse,,,, i know~

best wishes,, Gus

[mzelda1]

I am in a very similar situation. I am younger than you but also in a significant relationship that will soon turn into marriage. I am very abusive after letting my dad "in", and I need ways to let go of him so that I can appreciate the ones that actually want to love me, not suck the life out of me. I also think you should be thinking of YOURSELF and you husband. He is the one who comes home to you and makes you smile, and you deserve that smile and that person. Don't let your mother destroy your life even more. Leave that behind, and maybe she will learn something important from you.

[wakadojobilly]

Thanks guys. I went to Alanon, loved it many ways and less in others. The program language and rules about cross-talk felt limiting. I find that therapy is good for me, but I would like to be more involved in the program and get past my initial objections listed here.

You called it madisgram! I am involved again.

[wakadojobilly]

Would like to hear more on how you detached if you are willing to share stories, how you stayed strong, where and how, if you did keep a relationship, were your boundaries and how you enforced them.

Thanks!

[Perna]

Start with yourself. Decide what you want and what you want to give (to your mother and your brother, each; sounds like your brother is able to guilt you as well as your mother). Make a written plan for yourself, maybe work with your brother to set up a bank account just for your mother and the two of you put X money each, whatever you can afford, in it and that's it. If you have a plan and are working the plan, you can't be guilted as you've done what you said you would do and it's what you chose rather than last minute what someone else chose for you.

Take a hard look at the last 2-3 years and what has actually happened, all the events, write them down; the before, during, after affects and decide how you want to respond in the future to similar situations; there's nothing new there, you're just being caught suddenly; plan and that can't happen. Instead you'll have an "if X happens, Y results." You'll feel good for caring for your mother the best you are able and know that it is good care and coordinated with your brother so neither you nor he blindside each other and cause problems and if your mother gets into other scrapes, she has to suffer the consequences of her actions.

[Anne F]

I am sorry you are having such sadness in trying to help your mother.

You will find lots of caring help also on the Al-Anon website.

There are a lot of other members there who also have a relative of friend who has an alcohol problem and you will be able to gain a lot of wisdom from others who are learning to detach from the hurt of this dis-ease and care for themselves first.

Miracles in Progress is and on-line site...as this is.

Caring for you, Anne