[sexywelshie]

I have a relationship with a lovely man but he is an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. We have had an up and down relationship, but I am really struggling lately to keep up with his mood swings. Last year he was depressed and he blamed me for this and split up with me, then he realised it wasnt me after all and convinced me to give him another shot (it didnt take much trying as I do desperately love him). Since then we have moved in together but lately his moods are erratic and he is distant and can isolate himself, he refuses to discuss anything that involves emotions at all unless its a 'comfortable' discussion. I am so tired of trying to work out what is wrong, he tells me that I should ignore him when he is like that, but has anyone ever tried doing that with an ACOA, its impossible, for a start their mood brings the entire house' atmosphere to an all time low and its impossible to live in that situation let alone ignore the person who is walking around the house with a face like thunder barely talking to anyone, not even my daughter, who has noticed that he is very grumpy lately. I always assume that it must be me, even though I know I am not doing anything wrong. I react to how he is and that results in a rather tempestuous relationship at times because I am not a person who rests on my laurels and I always make sure he knows how he is making me feel. I feel like I am making him miserable, even when logically I know I havent done anything to warrant it. Does anyone know how I should be, what the best way to handle the situation is, or what I can say to him? He is aware of his past and attends al-anon meetings, which he feels help him and I dont like it when he misses these because they are important to him. I am trying so hard to be 'normal' enough for both of us but its just not happening, I feel like I have to be super-bubbly so that he is 'ok'. Its wearing me out and that tiredness then results in me being angry and resentful for having to try so hard all the time. I feel like my tongue is tied because I cant comment on anything that he is doing that I feel is potentially wrong 'in my opinion', or hurtful because he says things like 'right thats it, Ive got it wrong again no doubt, just like when I was a kid, takes me right back' and then I cant say another word because the last thing I want is for him to go back there or for me to be responsible for him to be back there. That leaves me with no wiggle room to let him know how I ever feel. That is infurating so it emerges in other ways, I can be really clingy sometimes because I am feeling so insecure because he is up and down all the time I am just waiting for it to all become my fault and he leaves again. I know full well it is not my 'fault' but unfortunately, I know him well enough to know that he is thinking right now that it is our relationship that is to blame for his depression/melancholia, but it isnt, I can put my hand on my heart and say downright that our relationship is only suffering because he is so in and out of his own head, which is hard to watch, when you love someone its upsetting and scary to see that happen. I am sorry that I am whittering, but I just wanted to get it all out and see if anyone has any ideas what to do.

[Leed]

I know he's going to meetings, but he DEFINITELY need to be seeing a therapist. He needs counseling badly. He's carrying around some guilt from his past that doesn't belong to him, as well as perhaps some deep resentments which are understandable, but he needs to get rid of them! He didn't cause any of the past problems, and there's no use in carrying those bags of rocks he's got on his shoulders!!

Try to get him to see a good therapist and soon. Otherwise, he'll just get sicker & sicker, and your relationship will definitely suffer for it. I hope he'll go! Keep us posted, ok?

God bless & take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

[LightningMan]

I agree with Leed. ACoA needs to be worked IMO with active psychotherapy, especially therapy that remodels behavior so that the ACoA has both new tools to handle situations and new awareness of what he's doing and how that affects him and others.

One thing to remember is that ACoA tend to have an "addiction" to drama. Not knowing anything but drama growing up, it's the only area they feel comfortable in and will unwittingly create trouble in their own lives in order to feel "right".

There is a book for people in relationships with ACoA the name of which escapes me at the moment. You might want to read that, too.

[CedarS]

I'm an ACOA and I don't at all act like your man. I think it is important that we ACOAs don't use our experience as an excuse for bad behavior.

If I was in your shoes I'd need to be therapy myself, focus on myself and my own process. Trying to follow the ups and downs of another adult, trying to emotionally caretake another adult wouldn't be healthy for me.

In your situation I'd need to reinvest in my own life.

Does anyone know how I should be, what the best way to handle the situation is, or what I can say to him?

You aren't going to be able to save him. You can be a good role model to him by taking good care of yourself, for yourself. Focus on yourself, get some counseling if you can to help guide you.

[uknowhatimean]

You mentioned that he attends Al-anon meetings, but what about ACOA meetings? ACOA's focus is a little different than Al-anon and specifically states that the program address family dysfunction 'whether there is alcoholism or not.' It might be something that you would want to attend together and see if you both can identify on some common ground with issues in the group.

[Open Eyes]

((((sexywelshie)))),

I am sorry that you are struggling with your boyfriend like this. But it sounds like he has some real problems/damage from his childhood that he really needs to address. He may even have a borderline personality disorder that developed out of his never feeling safe and secure in his parents. And if that is true that problem CAN be resolved with a good therapist. I am not diagnosing him I am just giving an example he may have some PTSD issues going on there too. And the alanon meetings can't really address that, he needs a therapist help him with that.

You cannot fix him, HE HAS TO FIX HIM with help. And right now it sounds like he is emotionally abusing you, but he doesn't realize it. YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU HERE in this picture.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes