[T2Logan]

Hey, I'm new here. I've been aware of my mother's drinking since I was 11 (i'm 25 now) although I've been told she was drinking before then. I won't get into everything in detail, but she was psychologically/emotionally abusive both sober and drunk, and sometimes physically both too, but while drunk it was worse. I personally struggled a lot growing up in that house seeing it every single night, adopted the "parent" role of taking care of her, etc. I finally moved out of the house for college about 5 years ago. That began the separation. At first I was scared to leave...who would take care of her? Eventually I got used to it and there was a relief and some freedom. However, every time I went home to visit (which I made sure was rare) I'd see it again and all those old feelings would be triggered. I'm going on a tangent....

Well, 2 years ago she ended up in the hospital very close to death. She has cirrhosis and hepatitis both due to her daily drinking. She pulled through, but at that time I had so many mixed emotions: sadness, scared, anger, shock. Last year she had a bit of a flare up I think since she was just jaundice, but no other issues. Recently though, she is declining again. She is once again yellow, vomiting randomly, sleeping a lot, and now needs a wheel chair to go long distances. She is going to the doctor's today so we will see how bad a state she is in this time. I once again have a huge mix of emotions. I hope I am not judged, but I need to let them out here.

1) Anger at her for chosing alcohol over her family. Although I know what the pull of addiction feels like, it is still upsetting being on the outside of that addiction. Anger that I couldn't stop it. I know I know, it is completely her choice and I am able to realize that, but sometimes I still have the "what could I have done differently?" thoughts. Serious anger (i think it's anger) that she is STILL in denial even after the doctors have told her one more drink will kill her, etc. How can someone be that blind I guess....is my thing. Wouldn't the prospect of almost dying wake you up?

2) Scared that she may die....will die. Scared of the unknown of when. Is it this time? The next time? How many times will she go up and down until her body gives out? I'm scared for my dad too when she passes since he will then be alone. I live 5 hours away so I could come visit off and on, but my sister lives in another time zone and can't come often. The rest of my family lives many states away. It just worries me what will happen to him too.

3) This may sound selfish, but....I am emotionally tired of the "rounds" of her getting sick. She's going fine, then boom...is this the time she dies?...Nope, she's better again....boom, this time!? I have to always stand on guard and be prepared and I don't like that at 25 I should feel that way about my mom. I hate myself for thinking this, but...if she passes then it will make it easier for her (not dealing with whatever pain she is trying to drink away), as well as all family dealing with the ups and downs. I don't want her to die, but....that is my thought and I'm just being honest.

4) I am completely emotionally disconnected and I can talk all I want, but when it comes down to it, I don't want her to die. There is a difference in not having a relationship but both being around vs. not being alive. I don't know how to explain that any better.

5) Growing up you can think "yea, everyone times eventually" and you're able to completely put it out of your mind since "eventually" is many many years away. Well, reality is now hitting this "round" that "eventually" is much closer for my mom than it should be...

That's all I can get out for right now. Thank you for reading.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. I can totally relate as both my parents were alcoholics and I was scared, mad, sad, played the parent, you name it and I felt it. I was the 3rd daughter out of 4. The other 3 just tried to ignore the situation, but we all ended up depressed. I have NO memory of not being depressed. I remember feeling sad since I was a very small child.

My dad would beat my Mom up frequently, and I'd have to pull him off to keep him from choking her. Theyld eventually stop the fight, and go off into neutral corners. The next day it was almost as if nothing happened, except my Mom would have a fat lip and a black eye. This went on several tiimes a week.

So i know exactly what your feeling are EXCEPT that my parents never ended up with liver failure or hospitalizations. I dont know why because they drank for years & years. My Dad eventually died of heart attack at 74. Mom died of emphysema at 83. Go figure. But she had stopped drinking altogether after Dad died -- she just didn't need to anymore i guess.

Of course you're angry at your parents. But remember that they have an ILLNESS -- alcoholism IS an illness that is recognized by the AMA. Yes, people CAN stop the progression of this illness, but it is very difficult, and they have to want to above ALL ELSE in their life. They have to surrender to a higher power -- something bigger than themselves. Otherwise they won't get sober. The prospect of dying makes no difference to them UNLESS they've hit bottom -- some never hit bottom. Some just die.

Of course you're scared she may die, and she just might. If she doesn't hit bottom and surrended to this disease and TO a higher power, then she may die. She needs to talk to someone in AA -- perhaps someone can come to HER. Call the local AA number and see if someone can come and talk to her. It may not do any good, but something might stick -- just one word might make a difference. Who knows?

We've all thought that it might be easier if our loved one died. They wouldn't be suffering anymore, and neither would WE. This is a nightmare on all concerned, so don't feel guilty about these thoughts. We all have had them. I just brought home my son who was in the hospital for over 2 months for liver failure. He almost died. It's been hell -- Now he's home, and i pray he stays sober!

No, of course you don't want her to die. She's your Mother. Enough said.

Reality IS hitting you right now, and this COULD be her "time." But with any luck and lots of prayers, lets hope she has many more years -- but if she continues the way she's been going, I wouldn't get my hopes up. She probably is not long for this world, my friend. I'm sorry to say that.

I don't want to be harsh. but please be prepared for it. Your Mom does have a fatal disease, which is alcoholism. If she doesn't stop, she WILL die -- those are the facts. And if she doesn't WANT to stop, that's her choice. I think she knows the outcome. My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend. Will you PLEASE keep us posted? I REALLY want to know. God bless you, and please take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

[T2Logan]

Thank you for your kind words and honesty. I have prepared myself (or at least I'm in the process of) for the worst to come at any moment. I don't have much energy for a full reply right now, but I did want to update (since you requested!). She went to the doctor today and then somehow went "missing" between there and home (sent everyone else in a panic trying to figure out where she was!) Then she gets home and my dad emails me saying he is taking her to the hospital. The doctor somehow convinced her to go and maybe she realizes something is bad? Well, it turns out my mom does not want anyone to know she is there, including her children. She is not telling my dad the lab/medical information (he is not one to ask or understand it), and is keeping secrets. My sister is trying to get involved and we agree that the addiction cannot remain secret....that's what we've always done and it only perpetuates things! We are hoping my mom signed the HIPPA to allow my sister to talk to the doctor again, but seeing as she wants to keep this a secrete we are thinking she may not have allowed her that access. We'll find out more tomorrow I hope. My dad doesn't think it's something serious, but knowing my mom who is against medicine....you'd think the serious nature of her issue would be what convinced her to go. OK, I said that wouldn't be a long response, but I kept going on. If you couldn't tell, I'm confused where my thoughts and emotions are. At the moment I'm in a "don't feel anything, be in wait-and-see mode" until I hear something further.

[Leed]

My friend, either you or your sister needs to get power of attorney over your mother. Granted, she would have to sign, but perhaps you could get her to thinking it's ONLY for her finances, etc. Tell her it's just in case something happens. LOL Maybe this way you can find out more info. Do your parents have an attorney? If so, contact him and talk to him. If not, you can get a consultation with most attorneys for FREE once. I'd advise you to do that.

I wish you the very best. Let us know what you find out, OK? WE CARE. Hugs, Lee