[N198062D]

Hello all, I am new to online support groups, and new to this forum.

I was a bit overwhelmed reading through all the posts, and not sure where to even start connecting with others. However, my late father was an alcoholic, so perhaps that is the core of many difficult traumas and emotions I have faced over the years and what shaped me as I am today.

The thing that is foremost on my mind, is something I feel guilty for. I have feelings of resentment toward my Mother who was not an alcoholic, but caught up in my father's fury and "tornado" of a lifestyle. She was emotionally abused, but stayed in the marriage, even though I know it was not healthy for her, and she to this day is still in denial.

I am 50, my Mother is in her 80s and it feels as if I accepted my late father's illness and moved past that point, but I can't bring myself to accept how she treated me and have a close relationship with her that it seems society suggests that I should have. On one hand I want to be loving and caring towards my own Mother, but on the other hand, I cannot bring myself to do it, and typically remain much more comfortable being an "outsider" to the family and watching from a distance.

My older siblings, who had moved out and on their own by the time the real fury hit, appear to have that genuine Mother-child relationship and would think I am just "selfish" or "emotional" so there is no chance of discussing any of this with them, I tried one time with my brother who is the oldest and was quickly shut down as if my complaints are "nonsense" and that none of this should even be a concern.

Alright, so I am sort of babbling here, and didn't get to my real concern. My concern is I think many of life's problems I have faced stem back to the fact that my Mother was so distant and cold due to not being able to cope in a healthy way with my father. She was very impatient with me, when I spoke she didn't focus--drifted off. I didn't get physical or emotional nurturing. Many times in my life she reminded me of what a "bad" infant and child I was. Supposedly I cried a lot as a newborn, and she has told me over and over again that she took me to the doctor to see what was wrong with me because as she said "I just couldn't take it anymore". She was strict, and didn't allow me to be a child. I would get "shook" or "spanked" because of normal child behavior (speaking when not spoken too) (sneaking out of bed for a drink of water at nap time) God forbid if I were in trouble in school, or didn't come home in time as a teenager. She made me feel as if I didn't deserve love and affection.

One incident of rejection clearly stands out in my mind, and I replay it over and over again. She was standing in the yard visiting with a long time friend and neighbor woman who had a son the same age as me. I believe we were about four. The neighbor woman was standing with her child in front of her, with her arms draped around his shoulders and neck, I could genuinely see and feel the love she had for her son, and I had never witnessed much mother -child affection before. I wanted some. I propped myself in front of my mother and tried to place her arms around me. She pushed me away, and firmly commanded me to "stop that". I remember how rejected I felt then, and many other times over the years. I still wonder what is wrong with me! Finally as a teenager I got to a point where standing in the distance was easier. I formed attachments (although not always healthy) with other people--and my animals. I worked hard not to be that way with my own children, but yet I am still not the person I think I should be, and feel I will always be an outsider to my mother and siblings.

Thank you for listening and if you have any insight on this I would appreciate it.

N

[mamastired]

Then and now, you deserve to be cherished. They don't understand, but we do.

[N198062D]

Thank you for saying that. The trouble is, many, if not all of the people in my life do not understand.

[Leed]

Oh gosh -- I know exactly how you feel. I got absolutely NO emotional or physical love as a child. I remember NO hugs, NO "I love you's" and NO kisses. I remember NO kudos for good grades. There was absolutely nothing for any of us 4 girls.

I went thru therapy for this, and I still really didn't get any answers.

I became an alcoholic myself -- isn't that great. After 20 years of drinking, I joined AA, and THAT'S where I found the answer. My parents couldn't give me what THEY didn't have. That's the way THEY were brought up. So if they didn't have it, they couldn't give it to ME. I was determined not to let it happen to my kids, so I lavished the love & attention on my kids -- they never had to wonder if I loved them.

I don't know why people have children and not show them love. I can't understand that. My parents should never have had kids. We were treated like the "furniture." We were just "there." They were too busy getting drunk to even notice us. So why did they have kids? I'll never understand. I don't hate them - I've long since forgiven them. They're both deceased now and I mostly pity them. If they had gotten sober their lives would have been much more happy. As it was, all they did was fight.

I'm so sorry you had to go thru that. But I know exactly how you feel my friend, and you're not alone. Just know that they're MANY of us out here who feel the same way. Alcoholism destroys families. Thank God I got sober and my kids forgave me. We're very close now and have a loving relationship. Their father never got sober and died several years ago.

I wish you the very best. I hope you can somehow forgive your mother and try to have a closer relationship. And remember -- "resentment is the "poison that I drink to kill you." You're just hurting yourself with this resentment. God bless you my friend, and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[roads]

If your mom will make NO effort to understand that she was an enabler and actually abused you as a result, you are going to have to be very active in some chapter of ACOA to come through this healthy & forgiving. It's far from easy, but it will be a gift to your children as well as to yourself.
I wish you the best, & certainly you deserve that.
Roadie

[truth seeker]

i grew up in a similar situation. as an adult those memories have faded but i still sometimes think of them. my parents havn't changed much tho not as harsh and severe, they are who they are and good or bad i accept that. they even apologized for being in their words "bad parents" and "causing harm". they never go into detail because i don't think they really think or know what they've done/do wrong but they can certainly see something is wrong with our relationship it and it has something to do with them. i keep interactions brief and limited to avoid conflict and bring up old feelings.

[Davisb]

N,

What a brilliant post. You are describing my situation very similar to my own. My mother is in her 80's and denies much of her responsibility too. In some ways i feel sorry for her (because she did go to work everyday....and a hard job too...telephone operator). In some ways i admire the fact that she was able to survive the ordeal with my X-Marine, violent father who was always distant...even when he was home. He would sit and drink his amber colored beer...one after the other and smoke cigarettes and just stare at the wall. He would do this nearly every night. As a teenager, i would walk out into the kitchen and see him sitting there staring at the wall. I often wondered what he was thinking about.

The rest of his free time he spent gambling on the Dog's (spend hours studying dog programs). He actually believed in all his heart that he could beat the system and make money gambling on the dogs.

As a matter of fact, we always had a pet dog at the house and Dad took great interest in them. He had much more interest in the Dogs than me (the only child). I can remember on many occasions where he would hug the dogs and bounce them in his arms...and lift them up with joy. He never did that with me.

Over a period of time...Dad would abuse me physically and then ignore me. He had very little tools to offer in the way of fatherly support.

My Mother escaped her nightmare by sleeping all the time. After coming home from work, she would ignore me and lay in bed and watch TV. Both mom and dad would escape through their own devices whether that be TV, Alcohol, Gambling and violence.

My relationship today with my Mother is Chaotic. One day will be good...and the next day she threatens to spend my inheritance.

Horrible childhood that i'm hoping to recover from...thanks for letting me share.