[mccann360]

My husband and I are high school sweethearts have been best friends since 8th grade (1997) and started dating in 2001. His mom is a single alcoholic mother of 3 boys and his dad has not been around since he was 5 ( husband is the oldest child). He i in the navy and currently living In VA while my 3 year old twins and I live in Indiana due to poor housing market. He has been in for 9 years we have been thought deployments and separations and did ok but this took a huge toll on us.

9 months into him living there (April 2011) he dramatically changed like a mid life crises at 29 . New wardrobe, new taste of music, hanging out with a much younger crowed and drinking more, I thought he was having a affair and told him I wanted a divorce he said he was not having a affair but ok to the divorce. He loved me but not in love with me. Loved me because I had his kids. He has turned into such a jerk, said I was fat and un attractive. Hateful things this man never would have said. I started working on me and getting my head cleared. The find out after we drove to see him for thanks giving that he has been in a relationship since aug 2012 and they just broke up ( told by girlfriends friend via Facebook) he has turned into this man he hated a year ago. His mom constantly had different men and all the serious relationships she cheated. I found out that he was on anti depressants and asked if he felt emotion he said honestly no he expected to shed tear when saying good bye to boys and felt nothing. Told him that's not normal he should feel emotion not numb. Then asked him if he wanted me to continue to look for an attorney for divorce or wait till he talks to someone . He said he don't know. We have been in limbo for 9 months. I'm getting exhausted I'm here being a single parent in a town that I know no one and taking care of everything having no social life while he is living like a teenager. Having an affair with a 20 year old. He has maxed out credit cards that are in both our names and opening new ones in his name and forgetting to make payments. This man has done a 180. I don't know what to do . I start seeing a counselor tomorrow.

[OrangeMoira]

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. He had an affair, lied about it, increased your family debt, called you names, said he wasn't in love with you, and agreed to a divorce? It sounds like seeing a counselor is a smart move. At least speaking with a lawyer about your options re: the credit cards is probably also smart.

Are you also an ACOA? You didn't mention your own background. You might find more responses in the relationships forum.

If you're wondering whether he's copying his alcoholic mother's actions, I'm not sure that that's very common among ACOA's. Different ACOA's have some similar responses to the alcoholic family system, but they will tend to behave differently than alcoholics.

It sounds like your husband's actions might be caused in part by his experiences of marrying young, having a long separation, and serving in the military. Does the Navy have resources to help you or him get through this?

Has he agreed to speak to a counselor? Has he made any commitment to working on this? I think you're right that working on yourself is the best thing to do. I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow and you figure out what is best for you and your boys.

[mccann360]

I am not a Acoa. He was put on antidepressants and was suppose to go to t a few times but each time it got canceled due to work, hurricane, or they canceled on him. He admitted to me that he doesn't feel himself. I take responsibility ( probably a little to late) for my fails in our marriage as soon as I became a mother that's all I was and he turned into a workaholic as a recruiter and failed and got fired from that job and got sent back to the fleet a year early. He would call everyday and do face time with us a few times a week (he was living with a old friend of ours) when his friend got new orders my h had to move back to the ship. And started to get fewer and fewer phone calls and done face time 2 times since my kids turned 3 they will be 4 in jan. all the people that I knew that lived In Va don't live there anymore and now he's hanging out with a much younger crowed who I believe are all single.
I have seen him and his mom get into one big blowup and he grabbed her beer out of the frige and through it out in the driveway and told her that was her effing problem and told her to quit being a *****. That was back In 2002 and he went to go live with is ex stepdad. And her 10 year old son said something about it also at a later time about how he was tiered of pizza and all the men and drinking and she kicked him out. He called me from a neighbors house to ask me to come and get him and told me what happened ( his bio dad was at work and did t know his number) I showed up and she had all his stuff in the yard toys, clothes, bed, and dresser he has been living with his dad since then he is now 22 and In College.
My husband hardly talks to his mom. They started again when we moved back to indiana and she would come and see the boys (newborns) I laid down the law and said she will not drink at my house. It was ok for a while then one day she went to her truck and got a beer. That was the end of her coming over I did not want her dropping my babies.

[Leed]

Dearheart - you're definitely in a hard spot. Husband is acting like a jerk. I would definitely see an attorney as well as a counselor. Ask the attorney about the credit card debt that he's been piling up -- see what can be done about that. As far as the way your husband has been treating you, i.e. calling you fat, and saying he's not "in love' with you, I think I'd begin divorce proceedings. He hasn't shown that he's willing to commit to this marriage -- he's still playing around, and acting like a teenager. So why should you waste any more time on this? Don't wait until you're 40 -- get out while you're young enough to find someone new!! (You still can after 40 but it's easier when you're younger!)

I wish you the very best. I know you're going thru a tough time -- make sure he pays CHILD SUPPORT too! You deserve it. God bless you and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee